The Scream of the Suffering

There is a scream that reverberates in the soul during suffering.  Perhaps you have heard it in the whispered "Why's"...  Maybe it echoed in the deep, gasping breaths of someone who was hurting.  But perhaps-- perhaps you have felt it.  Have heard it pounding in your head.  Have had it shaking your insides desperate to get out. 
So very often we push it down in shame, in "proper", in guilt, in frustration, in confusion...
At times it is a never- ending sound that torments.  It can build in intensity until it becomes all you hear -- the numbing of your voice & other's voices & life buzzing around you -- drowned out by the single, agonizing scream of heartache, usually of loss that is either very, very real or at the very least, very perceived to overwhelm your reality.
At times it feels as though it will go on forever.  Hearing anything beyond that scream becomes so difficult that you imagine it will never ever ever go away.  And sometimes that idea - the idea that the scream will be a part of your soul forever - becomes almost scarier than what has happened.
Oh if we only had a scream place, right??  A place where we didn't feel like that scream had to be stifled & shut down only to be ringing in our head driving us crazy.... A place where we could just scream it out and maybe, just maybe it would stop. 
There is such a place.
There is a place hidden away from everything & everyone.  No one else can enter that place with you - and in the hiding away there, it is safe.  You can enter & you can scream & fight & cry all you want. There, I am able to lay down the frustration, the confusion, the pain.  I lay down what is expected of me by others & even worse - the expectations I have for myself.  I lay down the guilt of every. single. one. of those expectations & every. single. piece. of both my real & my perceived despair & loss. I lay it all out & still - still I am protected & allowed to just be.
You see, in my life, time has marched on.  The scream of loss has dulled as I have crawled back into that place over & over & over again.  The other day I felt it rise in my head again while listening to a dear child sing a sweet Christmas song.  Suddenly the scream was there - "WHY NOT ONE MORE FOR US?  WHY WOULD YOU NOT ALLOW THAT FOR US??".  And I felt like I couldn't breathe & certainly couldn't think & my eyes shut in the pain of the scream of the loss of what could have been, what felt like it should have been, what most likely never will be. 
But I took a deep, shuttering breath & felt the tug.
"Come." 
"Come to the screaming place with Me."
So I did.  In that very moment I let go of the breath I was holding, entered the hiding place & let the scream out: "It still hurts so bad!  I still don't understand it!"  And then I took another deep breath...  I looked into the face of the child singing -  I smiled & I thanked God he was there & had a family who loved him... and the scream went away for yet another time.   
It still amazes me that in that place I can let out the scream.  There is no sense of proper there.  No sense of expectation there.  No sense of guilt there.  The loss is shared.  The burden of carrying it alone is lifted. 
Even more amazing - I. AM. INVITED.
And gift of all gifts - You are invited too.   All of us who realize we can't ignore the scream any longer.  Can't dull it anymore with all the good things we try to do to make it go away.  Can't make it dim by any distraction, any food, any tangible thing, any alcohol, any drugs, anything addictive that only distracts instead of allowing us to simply scream it out. 
Did you hear that??
We are told to just COME.  To come because we are the ones weary & burdened.  And He is the steady, able to carry our load. He is the rest, longing to share it with us.  He is the grace - the unearned, undeserved favor.  He is the peace that passes even our frail attempts at understanding. 
Goodness knows we could use just use a place like that.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11
(At Eternity's Gate by Van Gogh)

Lessons from a 3rd Grade Teacher

Yesterday we lost our son's 3rd grade teacher tragically & unexpectedly.  We only had him for 8 days but we learned so much.... Here are things he taught us:
1.   To use the pronoun "we" in learning is acceptable. 
       Yes, my son was the one that sat in the classroom, but Mr. S had a way of bringing people in - and that included parents too.  If you could know how many former students call him their "favorite teacher ever", you would also hear echoing behind them a mom, a dad, a grandparent "hands down favorite teacher ever".  He looked into your eyes when he talked, he smiled A LOT, and he found a way to have a personal connection to everyone he talked with even the parents who didn't sit in the classroom.  So, yea, "we" miss him already. 
2.     To not go "by the book" is ok.
         We sat in Meet the Teacher, & over & over Mr. S. said "So we use this book & we will pull a lot from it, but I've found that kids learn best when we also supplement with this way too..."  I mean every. single. subject.  This pulled in my attention right away because first off, I'm a "by the book" momma (first-born & all), but also because I'm leary of the "this is our way" learning our school systems often get forced into.  To find a teacher who found what was "best" using a variety of methods & a variety of books told my husband & I three things right away: First, Mr. S cared about what was best for our child.  Second, Mr. S was going to put the time in even if it meant going beyond status quo.  Third, Mr. S was going to be a phenomenal teacher.  So, yea, we miss him already. 
3.       To show grace is a must & is an always. 
           It was the first Monday of school.  So my son was on his 4th day with a new teacher, 4th day of 3rd grade, and he came home without his homework.  (Insert big mom sigh right there.)  This is my responsible, hardworking, never-miss-a-beat son.  He has never forgotten.  I was miffed "What do you mean you forgot?? How could you forget?  Well (big harrumph of frustration), I will take you back to school this one time to get it but I'm not going to save you every time you do this son.  You need to be responsible, blah, blah, blah."
We got back to the school & I started in again "Mr. S may still be in the classroom so what are you going to say if you see him?" (I'm thinking my son has never had this teacher & what will this teacher think of him now????)
"I will say I'm sorry, I won't do it again & does he forgive me?" said my son.  I softened a bit - forgiveness forgetting a book?!?!  I had probably been too harsh.  "Ok, well just go get it," I replied.
When he came back into the van with the book, I asked if Mr. S was in the room.  Of course he was.  "So what did he say?"
"He said, 'Oh, buddy, it's okay.  Everyone forgets things sometimes.  Just today I forgot to do our spelling pretest.  It's okay to forget."
I admit I was stunned.  Stunned & ashamed.  Showing grace?  It shouldn't be so foreign to me.  Like Mr. S, I am a part of God's family - claim Him as my Savior though acceptance of what Christ did on the cross.  Why didn't grace roll off my tongue as easy?  It should.  Every day, every hour, every circumstance - it should.  I vowed to not forget that act of grace & kindness, and we both left the building feeling refreshed by a teacher's gracious response.
So, yea, we really miss him already.
4.       School should be fun.
          Have you heard it said before?  That school is a place for learning & what do the kids do in those buildings all day during that time & don't you think the time could be so much shorter if they just got the learning done & be done with it??...... But listen, these are teachers people.  They didn't hire on to be babysitters.  They went to get a 4 year degree, a 6 year degree because they wanted to educate, not be an entertainer.  But good teachers like Mr. S??  He still recognized that kids are just that - kids.  Not mini-grown-ups, not little adults.  And so he taught them as kids.  He made laughter a subject.  He made fun a part of their day.  He became known for his pranks, his jokes, his "If I see any of you wearing something with Cardinals on it, I will pull you into my classroom & cover it up with tape because you should be rooting for the Cubs" antics that endeared him to so many (my die-hard, Cardinal/baseball-loving son was certainly one of those).  He gave a lot of them nicknames too.  My son had one & I didn't even know it until after Mr. S wasn't in the building anymore.  Like my son wanted to keep it for himself & Mr. S.  I love that... And I love hearing the stories recently of how he made school fun for staff too.  You see, the truth is all the other teachers would say he was their hope-to-be-like-him favorite teacher too.  So, yea, we all miss him already. 
5.       Live love now. 
          Do you feel it?  Just reading all of these things oozes it.  You hear it in every joke, every story, every character quality.  Mr. S loved God.  He didn't just believe there was a God.  He didn't just walk into a church building.  He wasn't just a good person....
He knew God loved him, he knew God's Son. 
And he let it affect every part of his life.  He let that love play out in his life.
....How he treated his wife.  Do you know how many times I saw him with his arm around her shoulders or placed lovingly on her back?  I noticed these things over the past couple years we saw each other at school functions because it spoke to the man he was & the marriage they had.  He adored his wife.  He was protective of his wife.
....How he treated his kids.  A friend shared a story that he said the truth was he rarely sat down for a 3 hour baseball game.  Why?  Because why would he do that when he could be spending time with his kids.  Are you kidding me???  How many dads choose their kids on game-day over their favorite team?  The good ones do...
....How he treated his family.  He was the one that life centered around.  I don't want to speak into a place where I wasn't, but what I can tell you is he was deeply, deeply loved by his family & his wife's family.
....How he treated his friends.  He was exceptional.  You hear it over & over again.  Many, many people considered him a "friend" & those closest to him could tell you story after story of how something he said, something he did affected their lives. 
....How he treated his school students & staff.  Respect.  Kindness. Laughter.  Grace.  And more grace.
....How he treated those he coached.  Of course he coached too.  Because people who love the Lord like Mr. S did just gave & gave, service upon service.   So many stories of his sacrificial heart.  So many stories of his giving to those high school students & of course, to the other high school coaches.
....On & on & on it goes.  The ripples of the love he lived are widespread.  He had learned the joy of unconditional, never-ending LOVE and he poured it out over & over & over again. 

I am so very blessed to be in one of those ripples standing beside my son.  In that ripple, we felt the wave of Mr. S's loving ways surrounded by his fun & his kindness.  You taught us well Mr. S.  We learned your lessons.  We won't forget.  And even on the days we do, we'll remember you showed grace for those times too. 

What no one ever said....

If you read my last post you found out that 2 years later after many twists & turns, we had to stop our adoption process.  It's sickening really...
And I cannot tell you how many times I run into the pain of it all & I gasp as it feels like my stomach is punched all over again...
The plates I had bought thinking how cute they would be for a "Welcome Home" party....
The little Keen shoes I bought - the only thing I allowed myself to buy for him - to take to the orphanage on our first visit...
The outgrown clothes of my oldest sonshine that I had been saving & saving...
The baseball glove of my oldest who has desperately wanted a brother, not to mention his bat, the small soccer ball, the small, plastic basketball hoop... We tried baby, God knows we tried...
And the hands - the hands of every little black toddler I see make me internally weep.

No one ever said that it may not work out.
Oh, I suppose it was somewhere in the fine print, but no one ever said it....
They tell you it will be hard, yes... but they tell you that there are millions of orphans waiting for a home such as yours.
They tell you that it may take a lot of waiting, yes... but if you just hold out there will be a child because aren't there so many of them & so little of you?!?
They tell you that your family sounds like the ideal family for a little child to finally rest & stop feeling the striving, the strife, but to finally find the peace that unconditional love can bring.
They tell you that yes, you have the money you need to adopt... And isn't it good that you set aside that large chunk of money a year before the process?  And the budget you are on, and the vacations you forego & the remodeling & fixing up of the house, everything you put off just so that you can afford a child is exactly all you need to do.
So, yes, someday, you will be the proud owner of the child you always dreamed of....
Except it doesn't work like that every time.

And what happens to all those families? All those families who are stuck?  All the families who have run out?
Run out of time....
(3,4,5 years later their family has completely changed & perhaps what was good for them then isn't the best for them now.  So is that dream they had then still a dream for now?)
Run out of money...
(Yes, as an adoption blogger recently pointed out -  it is possible to fund an adoption entirely on your own without loans & asking for money, but what happens when all that money is lost through an agency closing? a country closing? & the only way to continue is to hand over another BIG chunk of money that listen, a fundraising garage sale is just not going to cut it...)
Run out of countries...
(You're not a small, slim person?  I'm sorry you won't fit into the Korea program.  Not Muslim?  Northern Africa is out for you.  Have over one child?  I'm sorry many countries won't accept more than one child in the home. Have your own birth kids?  A new country opening in Congo only allows you to have adopted children...& on & on & on...a long list of quite often ridiculous requirements in every country. So when the few countries you qualify for don't work out - well, what are you going to do?)
Run out of energy...
(Adoption takes a lot of mental & emotional energy from start to finish.  And yes, the waiting is hard, but it's more than that alone.  It's the injustice of it all.  It's the disgusting facts that exist - yes, the millions of orphans, but also the high price you are having to pay for international or national newborn adoption.  Or how about the constant push for "reunification" within the foster system where just the minimum is all you have to provide anymore in our country- never mind a sense of stability, trust, unconditional, selfless love....How long do you keep leaning & pushing against an ugly, heavy door that has been slammed against your face?  2 years?  5 years? 10 years?)

I think if you have a face, a name, anything that was personal that you would keep going, keep fighting.  But please know (we are more & more learning this) - there are many, many who never get that far.  There are many, many who get stuck with NOTHING to show for it but loss after loss after loss.  And if for some reason, like us, you go into this "thing" thinking it won't be you because you've made all the right decisions, done all the right things,  you are fooling yourself & not facing the truth of adoption.  There is something much bigger than you going on in this messy puzzle of adoption.

And for all of those families who, like us, never started this process to "save the world one orphan at a time"... never were in it to "be the hero in the life of a child"....
to all the families like us who, at the core of their being-- just. wanted. a child.
(In fact, we were willing to add 2, to add an older child who was in the supposedly "undesirable" age & gender - "oh perfect, shouldn't be a problem at all" we were told over & over...)

To all those families --
it quite possibly won't work out.

No brother to wear the hand-me-downs, to throw a baseball with, to shoot hoops with.  No child to share a special connection to Africa with & a love for it's culture.  No more little hands to hold & marvel at the smallness, at the soft skin, at the tiny fingers that you imagine will someday hold your frail hands in a similar awe.
What do you do with that??
Right now I'm taking every day as it comes.
Crying when it hits again.
Selling the clothes, the little pair of shoes. (Sure never thought a "thing" could hold so much emotion.)
Using the plates for another fun event where I got to share my love of Africa.
Looking into the eyes of my 3 beautiful children & thanking the Lord continually that He has given them to us.
Comforting them when they cry & say things like "Mom, I just wanted a brother..."
Holding their hands &  hoping that the ache they had for another one will, like our ache, diminish over time - believing it will - just like other grief that comes into our lives.

Yes, we are finding this grief is unique - we don't know many who have experienced it in our "realm".  No, not everyone has this kind.  But eventually everyone has A kind.  And the truth is we all learn to heal from whatever that grief is.  One day at a time.  One year at a time.
So we're doing that - healing a little bit at a time.  But please be patient with all of us - it's going to take some time for this one...

It changed our life...

So this will probably be the hardest post I've written so far.  It's going to go places I never in my craziest nightmares would have thought we would be.
And I need you to read this & do 2 things, well maybe 3... First, I need you to read this with respect for us.  Most likely you know our family, but some of you don't, & we need you to know that we love the Lord, we love each other & we continue to have love for another child to be added into our family if the Lord wills.... That being said you may not understand everything I type as you read this & you may have questions that truly are better off not being said out loud to our family.  And I need you to respect that.
Second, I need you to know we aren't in any way saying this to you personally.  To be very forthright, some of the things I will write here are written out of a desire to be honest for both myself as a healing process & for others as a learning process.  I promise this will make sense as you read farther along, but don't think we are asking you for anything or judging you for having a different thought about the adoption process.  We are just simply sharing....
And third, well you probably already know what that is but your prayers for our family have been a comfort, & we believe they have not been wasted.  If you want to continue in those we would be grateful!!
So, this past Tuesday night we received an email truly "out of the blue" so-to-speak that said our entire agency - yep, let's say that again -ENTIRE AGENCY - was closing down.  Ryan had just walked in with our oldest from basketball practice & I had to literally read it out loud because I was in such a state of disbelief & shock.  And then my son started crying.  They were gut-wrenching sobs that come out of 2 years of prayer & 2 year of dreams.  I, on the other hand, felt numb.  Like "Is this some kind of nightmare?  There is no way this is really happening to us." kind-of numb.  Ryan & I just remained quiet.
Within about 15 minutes I went to pick up our oldest daughter from practice, & I told some dear friends (one of which has been through similar experiences with her family's own adoption experience) & then the tears started to fall.  I think it's because verbalizing it made it real.  I've talked about that before - how actually saying things out loud bring a reality to them that thinking about them can't bring.  So that being said, speaking it made me sob.  And then of course I had to explain it to my daughter who began uncontrollably crying so much so that as I held her in my arms I could hardly get her to stop.
There are moments in your life.  There are moments in your life that you will never ever forget & they change you.  I've had many moments along these past 2 years that have done just that, but that day for my entire family - well, I am quite sure it will be one of those moments.  We will always remember it - the day when the thing that was supposed to come & change your life forever never comes & yet somehow still changes your life forever.
We spent time as a family that night in one of the kids' bedrooms with our oldest 2 (minus the little one who is too little yet to understand).  We answered questions to the best of our ability, assured them both of how much we love them & our family of 5 & explained that quite likely this meant we would never be bringing another child into our family.   That now God would have to do something BIG for that to happen & while we know He can, we just don't know if it's what He sees best for us.
And I feel like I just need to pause for awhile after saying that.............................................................
See, we always thought maybe Ethiopia would shut down but this was a different type of shock.  And I won't go into how frustrating it has been to have heard it from an email & not have anyone call or personally reach out to us in a "I know you were at the top of the list & I know you already have been through this once (even twice) in terms of pursuing a child & not getting through & I know we have taken all this money from you & never once honestly admitted that we were financially not in a good place despite you asking that question a year ago.  I know it.. & I'm sorry for it".  (yep that's as far as I'm getting into it, but I think you catch my drift.)  But what I can tell you is that about a couple months ago we had started bracing ourselves for a fall-out from Ethiopia & we had talked about the what if.  So we already knew what the answer was here but it was hard to actually say it once it happened because it was different than what we expected.
So I called another agency that was willing to take on our case.  We wouldn't be placed back at the top of their list for our particular request, but we would be close to the top & they anticipated that it wouldn't take too long for a referral.  And they were giving a $1000 credit to switch over, but as I asked how much the initial fee to switch would be because we are family who has already had to switch & have given so much already, she said she would email it to me.  I think I knew then - knew it would be much, much more than what we could give, and well, quite frankly, that's exactly what happened.
No one likes to talk money, you know?  And so I have had very little mention of it on this blog or in conversation all along the way.  Perhaps you didn't notice or perhaps you did - you've had friends like we have who have adopted & asked for money to help fund their adoption, and so you wondered if we would come with a heartfelt plea at some point & ask if you wanted to come alongside us in that way.  But we haven't.  We never felt like God wanted that from us.  In fact, we knew 2 years ago because of some unexpected ways He was blessing our family that He wanted us to use our resources to give back to Him by funding it on our own.  So we did that... & we did that... & we did it again until it was done.  And well, it's done.  There is no more.  There is nothing left to change or transfer or start again.
So we knew it was the end for us.  I think we both knew it that night as I read aloud the email.  We knew what it meant for our family.  Is it hard to comprehend?? Yes.  Is it hard to accept??  Of course.  But on the other hand, we already knew.  I'm grateful for that really because there was a peace in the decision.  I'm shaking in grief as I type all this but still I know it's the right decision for us right now in this moment.
And it's why we told the kids the truth - We have sacrificed for this & God knew we were willing - we had gotten to a place where we came with open hands & open hearts, and we really believe He sees all that.
But now it's all about HIM.  There is no coming that matters at this point because we already came.  So this is where He has to step in & work something HUGE to show us that He desires to add to our family (i.e. finances or a heart change towards fostering to adopt or something we can't even begin to fathom).  And if He doesn't, well, if He doesn't, does that mean He doesn't exist?  or doesn't love us?  or only wants to hurt us?
NO.  Not at all.
Ryan & I have walked with the Lord much too long to ask those questions.  It may FEEL that way at times, but you don't walk away because of a feeling.  And we've learned that feelings come & go.  But the Truth?  Well, Truth remains.  And we've been through too many feelings, too many doubts, too many experiences that have always led us back to Truth:  There is a God.  There is God who literally IS love & loved us so much that He sent Jesus to take the penalty for our sins & accept us.  There is a God who chose us before the foundation of the World to enter into a love relationship with Him.  And there is a God who because He loves us & accepts us & chose us will never do something that would be against us, but in fact will only work things into our lives for us - for our good & for His glory.  No, it may not look anything like we thought it would, but again, what we've seen & experienced is that it inevitably looks so much better, so much richer, so much more soul-satisfying.  And listen- what is it if a man gains the whole world & forfeits his soul???  (matthew 16:26)
If you've doubted any of those things I just typed above, please hear Truth today.  From a family that feels broken today.  And will always go through this life wondering why they were never able to add another wonderful child into their midst.....
But a family who will all (prayerfully every one of us) someday kneel before the Throne of God above & look full into His wonderful face & know that all that matters is Christ crucified & God glorified.
"Amen.  Blessing & glory & wisdom & thanksgiving & honor & power & might, be to our God forever & ever.  Amen." (Revelation 7:12)

When it feels like God plays Hide & Seek....

Since my last post, I've been doing some major "soul-searching" if you will.  It's been the nitty-gritty kind that hurts quite a bit & takes awhile to recover from.  It's also the kind that you hope you never really recover from.  Does that make sense?  The "I don't want to go back to being who I was before" kind-of soul-searching.  In fact, there are days when I go back to feeling "myself" & it scares the heck out of me so much that by the end of the day, I'm back in prayer in front of the Lord begging for Him to do what it takes to keep Him in front of me.

Regarding the adoption or perhaps the not-adoption, almost 2 weeks ago I was literally on my knees with my hands stretched out before me in a visual surrender to the Lord & reminder to myself that I cannot carry it any longer.  I can't take the pain of the wait.  I can't take the disappointment of the multiple "No"s.  At the time I couldn't even figure out if I could handle the possibility of the "Yes".  It was consuming me & leaving little room for anything else of value.  So I told the Lord all of those things, & then I just said out loud (because sometimes you have to put the verbal with the visual) "I surrender".  And I said it over & over.  I said every possible little thing that I was surrendering - the wait, the hurt, the confusion... and I very literally laid it down. I can tell you today that I haven't gone back.  There is a cloudiness over it all right now & I am so very, very okay with it.  The exhaustion of it all is gone & now while there remains a huge question mark, a big maybe, it's not weighing me down anymore.  And it feels like when you step into that warm bath after a long day.  Or big powerful hands finally eat away at the knot at the back of your neck & you can finally truly relax your shoulder muscles.  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.......

Right around that time I took a good look at Psalm 9 because I have been studying in Scripture how to rest in the refuge of God as my stronghold instead of the various other alcoves I find myself sitting in.... And I realized that for so very long I have thought I have have to run to God & play a game of "Hide & Seek".  Do you do that????  Do you realize you do that???   You are together & talking & then you decide to go about life, count to 10 so to speak, & then time's up and I start frantically seeking.  And it's almost like I get to these points in life where I'm running around going "Okay God, I counted to 10!  You can come out now!!"  or "Hey God, where are you????  I already checked all the hiding spots.  I can't find you so come on out!  God - can't you hear me? I'm seeking!!!"   

Do you hear the fallacy in that?!?!  It's not only so wrong, it's so so exhausting.  So what is the seeking He wants? ("And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."  Psalm 9:10)

THE SEEKING IS NOT BECAUSE HE IS LOST.....

The idea that I lost Him or that somehow He went & hid from me is completely opposite who He is.  

God repeatedly tells us in Scripture:

"I am here."

"I will not leave you alone."

"I will not forsake you."

How many times does He have to say it for us to believe it?!?!?  Not just a "Yes, yes, He's always with me" kind-of believe it, but a "I lean on the truth that God is with me", look-at-my-life-differently belief.  

THE SEEKING IS OPENING OUR EYES TO WHAT WAS ALREADY FOUND....

And so if God isn't some "hidden" thing that I'm constantly trying to find, doesn't it just become so so much easier?? 

It becomes the simple:

-a few quiet minutes spent listening & acknowledging His presence ("Beloved, I'm here")

-an eye-opening point in time to realize something bigger than self is happening all around me ("Beloved, I'm here.")

-a gratefulness that extends even to the hard ("Beloved, I'm here")

-a resting place that is deeper & safer that anywhere else ("Beloved, I'm here")

And every bit of it, every little bit of it, becomes a moment for me to listen to Him say "Beloved, I'm here"

So take a big sigh of relief with me.  

Beloved, He's already here.  

Oceans...

Have you heard this yet??  I am SO there.... (Click on the purple link to listen in... And spend it in quiet listening.  The lyrics are fantastic & put to music - it will take you to a good place, I promise...)

Oceans by Hillsong

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Choosing...

If you used to read our blog, then you may have noticed a conspicuous absence on here about our own adoption journey lately.  It was a purposeful effort on my part to keep things that were happening confidential.  This was hard for me as I tend to be a "let's lay it all out on the table" kind-of person... but sometimes you have to & this was one of those times. 
It's funny because for months our lives have been twisted & turned, and I thought I'd be able to just sit down & pour it out on here but I still find myself hesitating today over a week later from the outcome.  I think it's evidence of how difficult it has all been... 
But in an effort to chronicle this now nearly 2 year journey I am compelled to write it down.  To write out even the hard... with a hope that someday it will be something different. 
Last summer we were told about a little boy currently in the foster system who was very likely going to be needing an adoptive home.  Having been through this early on in our adoption journey we said we would think about it, all the while not imagining it would get too far.  But around late August/beginning of September things got a lot more real.  DCFS was recommending that rights be terminated & again the foster family wondered how serious we really were about pursuing T (& yes, his name did start with a T - just like our 3 other kiddos!). 
And here's a place I can be really honest - this was a scary part of the past few months.  The reality of the choice we were presented was enormous.  It wasn't just an abstract "child" anymore, but a strong likelihood that this could happen.  And so we would look at T & wonder "Is this what it's like? To look at the face of an adorable toddler who has not been birthed from your body but who you take into your home & allow love to grow??"  And then beyond that we would pray "Foster care?  Really?!?!?!"  The very idea of foster care felt scary - really, really scary.  In this case we knew what kind of trauma T had been through as a very young infant & it was significant.  When you start into adoption, you understand that most likely you will have a child with some type of delay, but that real possibility of dealing with developmental delay at some point in his life felt daunting at times.   In fact, towards the end of figuring all this out I wrote "Doing Hard" (you can click on that title to go directly to that post) so I could remember that dealing with the hard cannot be what defines doing (or NOT doing) something good. 
In the midst of all those questions as we prayed & talked we just knew.  We knew God was doing something.  In fact I started a Word document so I could remember & just today I looked at the 9 reasons that I had down by the end of October that confirmed to us that God was weaving our lives together at this point.  I can't post them all (again because of confidentiality) but we clearly saw it so much so that by the 3rd week of November we decided to choose T.  The hard part was we were 2 months from the January 17th hearing that would decide if he was even "choose-able" (it would let us know if rights were terminated or not.  If terminated we would start the foster-to-adopt process & transfer him into our home as soon as possible.)  But I'm getting ahead of myself...
We never anticipated the "choosing" process for us to come before the hearing.  We thought we would just wait, see what would come of the hearing & then decide if we would for sure pursue adopting him or not.  But then November 12th came.  As I sat in the waiting room of a local hospital waiting to welcome my newest nephew into the world, Ryan called me.  "Did you see the email?"  It's funny because even as I said "No I haven't", I knew what that email was.   It was the one we had waited nearly 2 years for.  It was a referral from Ethiopia. 
To say we were stunned is an understatement.  There was this ecstatic feeling of  "It's here!!" followed by a punch in the gut of "Now??"  We knew we were getting close but according to the "timeline" we still had a few months of waiting which fell right in line with waiting to see what would happen with T.  But now we had 2 children to choose between & truly how do you choose???  We had one week to make a decision so we prayed, talked, prayed... prayed, talked, prayed & by Wed night I cried to Ryan yet again -" How?? How do you choose??" 
Ryan finally said "I think we have to ask ourselves if we can say no to T.  Because accepting the referral from Ethiopia would be saying no to him & if we can't, then we need to say no to the referral knowing another one will someday come."  And so he said "Can you say no to T?" & I couldn't... And I asked him "Can YOU say no to T?" & he couldn't... And that was the night we choose T all over again.  Knowing he really wasn't ours yet to choose... 
Remember when I talked in a previous post about grieving losses?  This one - the choice to let go of a referral from Ethiopia - was a hard one to grieve - to let go of what you had waited to get for so long.... It takes longer to grieve something like that.  And so it took me awhile & it's one of those things I could stay in if I let myself, but I had to choose to get out of the grief at some point.  To lift my eyes higher than the loss. 
But all the while, truly we had peace.  This sense that we had honored the Lord in our choice.  A sense that no matter what happened on Jan. 17th we had made the best choice we could. 
But Jan. 17th loomed.  And all through the holidays it felt like we were simply counting down to that date.  In fact, on Dec. 27th we heard about a small group of Ethiopian officials trying to spur on an effort to close adoption in that country.  It felt sickening to think we had perhaps passed on our one opportunity, but we had to trust in our choice so we prayed & waited...
And the week before the hearing we heard that T's caseworker had now changed her mind &, despite DCFS's recommendation, she was now recommending a goal of reunification (in other words, giving the mom more time).  It was another blow - a BIG one, & I knew then that this "likelihood" of our family growing in this new year of 2014 was becoming dimmer.  I had to go back again to what I knew when we made the choice.  That God was doing something - not that we were going to get a glimpse of the something, but that He was doing it nonetheless....
Sure enough, Jan. 17th came, & the choice to foster-to-adopt T was not given to us.  And really all I can say about that is this - The foster program is just as broken as IA.  Sooooo not perfect...  And chance upon chance will be given to birth parents because as we all know you can always say whatever you want to say & saying that "I love him" seems quite often to be all that is needed to keep a child.  Never mind that quite often the "I love him" isn't backed up by the doing. 
So here we are, 2 years into an adoption that has not gotten us far & certainly not brought a child into our home.  And while we are top of the list for Ethiopia still if another referral comes (the fact that Ethiopia has become more unstable will have to be for another post), we feel really, really beat down by not only the lack of progress, but the whole "system" entirely. 
So really I sit here & think making choices are tough.  You do the best based on the information you are receiving but you're not always guaranteed the end result.  Regardless, the choices need to be made.  And if I'm super honest, here are the choices I'm having to make right now:
"Get Going"
Don't let yourself be bogged down by the confusion, the blindness, the uncertainty, the frustration of it all.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 
"Keep Loving"
Don't let yourself get so wrapped up in the injustice & in self-pity that you forget what is right in front of you.  3 beautiful children.  Parents, Grandparents, Sisters, Brothers, Nieces, Nephews...  Friends willing to support us.  For some reason I think that they will get so weary along with us that they will like us want to give up on it all - give up even on us, but I have to tell myself that loving them in all of their good & all of their mess is all I can do. 
2 choices really easy to name, but again in my honesty & vulnerability, 2 choices that are really difficult to do at this time.  Pray for us, would you?? 

Another Conspiracy Theory...

On our Christmas card this year we included a beautiful quote I found by Hamilton Wright Mabie (Don't ask me who he is, just liked the quote!!
 "Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy on love."
     Don't you just love that?  My favorite part is the use of the word "conspiracy"... It makes me imagine an underground movement bent on secretly transforming the world.
     In actuality, the word itself is defined as a secret plot to do something unlawful.  At first this is a little off-putting, especially for a first-born, Type A, look like you have it together & "stay in line" kind-of-girl.
But on the other hand, it feels a little exciting & risque to be a part of it in a "I'm coming to get you" sort-of-way.
     Our nation is WAY too transfixed this holiday season with reality TV controversy, divisions that tear us apart, & definitions of self that end up limiting the whole of who we are that I think we are majorly missing out on something so fun and so incredibly sneaky about the "unlawfulness" of love.
     When God sent His Son, He sent Him to transform & to engage.  And while Scripture says He came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17),  it wasn't in the way that meet every politically & religiously correct idea that people expected & most ended up requiring to the point of death.  No, in fact, He came to break beyond the barrier of law.  Do you get how powerful this is???  In other words...
God started a big, unlawful conspiracy the night He sent His Son.
     But the word conspiracy also indicates a group of people all "in on it"; meaning it takes more than one person.  And while we can certainly say this conspiracy has grown over time, I'm not so sure that it's growing anymore.  It's like we somehow lost parts of it along the way.  I'm not sure if it's the divisiveness of the conspiracy (after all, Jesus walked into the temple & literally kicked people out who didn't have their hearts aligned with the heart of what God designed & purposed in what can be described as abrasive to say the least!!...Matthew 21:12) or if it's the extent of the conspiracy (For God so loved THE WORLD that He sent His Son!!... John 3:16), but somewhere along the way it's like we thought we have to have one or the other - either show our rebellious, divisive side or go over the top in a lovey, dovey "We Are The World" type of way.
Here's my deal:  What's so wrong about both???  I've seen it done.  It's just that it's getting kind-of rare.
    This past year, I've been praying that I would really learn how to do both really well, & it's still a big part of how I'm approaching this new year.  You see, it's not an overnight "Now I've got it!" type of thing.  It's a daily thing...And sometimes it's a "I messed up, I'm sorry" type of thing... But it's also a "get back up & try again" thing & a "live in the joy of it" type of thing.
And I for one am super excited to see what God can do with a life ready to join in on the conspiracy in 2014.

Changing Course... (kind-of)

(Below is an excerpt from a blog post I started on 7/24/13, but just now realized I never published.  As we approach yet another holiday without a firm "this is happening" in our adoption process, I'm reading it now realizing that 1) A lot of our friends in other states/countries may still not know the news below
(although I did make a mention of it in the "Open Hands" post you can read)  & 2)  It's all happening again - the changing course thing I mean (more to come on that)... & so because I want to keep our family & friends up to date & because I want to chronicle this journey, here it is...)

"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the Lord who directs his steps."
Over a year ago we started this journey, not knowing how it would go exactly, but believing we would someday walk into our local airport holding our Ghanian son.  There was no indication when we started that we would be where we are now...
Now, we find ourselves on 2 lists in 2 different countries... but let me back up...
When the director of health suspended all adoptions within Ghana there was a lot of confusion over what authority she even had over adoption.  While we still have not heard why she decided to do this exactly, we do understand the confusion of authority because we have witnessed the confusion of power in Africa in general.  And let me tell you, it can get really confusing!!!  And the truth is, if it isn't handled right, it can get really scary... Ghana has a had a relative stable history in terms of peaceful government, and while the suspension has felt frustrating, ultimately we keep praying that the underlying tension will be worked out peacefully - no matter how long it takes.
But back to the suspension because while it is out there, many regional directors are still processing adoptions, so children who were already matched are still eventually getting visas to come home.  And we have even heard of a referral since this suspension.  In the past month, there has been a slowing down - or more careful review - throughout the visa process especially, & it's been sad to watch those we "know" in the Ghana-adopt world struggle through the longer wait of these months.  And just when it feels like the wait is going to go on forever, visas get processed & children come home & it's such a cause of celebration!
And in all of this, we kept wondering what OUR place was, where OUR son was....
If you've kept up on the blog, you probably read part of our "meantime" process.  Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago we made a more final decision.  We signed on with Adoption Advocates International's Ethiopia program.  This checked all the boxes that I previously mentioned in our other posts, and in the end, though Ehtiopia had gone through a slow-down as they refined their adoption process, it has recovered well & in, what seems to be, a better place/way.  We were told that it would most likely be around 10 months (give or take) before we receive a referral.  I have to be honest though, we don't put a lot of stock into time-tables anymore.  When we started this process, it felt like we revolved around timetables- constantly asking people "How long did this part take?" "How long should we expect for that part?"  Part of our growth process has been learning to say "In Your timing Lord, not ours, not theirs, not anyone else's."   There are times that this hurts & feels really, really hard.  And to be complete honest, while I so often am shouting "Hallelujah!"s when I hear of another Ghanian orphan arriving home because it's an answer to many prayers, I fight back tears because I wish it was us.  I don't understand why we didn't start the process just a few months earlier, why we don't just up our age range & bring home an older child....  All options that would have been (or still are) available to us, but as we poured so much thought & prayer into this, this is where we felt God leading.  So here we go...
following...

(Today, 12/23/12, I'm reflecting on how much has changed.  Right now because of confidentiality reasons I can't explain much about the changes on our journey in the past month-plus... but yet so much of the above is still the same.  Still waiting.  Still perplexed as to how it will all turn out. And still following.  & so for those of you who are our praying friends, please keep praying for us - especially in the next month.  We have some big things happening regarding our adoption, & I will be anxious to share with you how God is leading when the time is right, but for now, just know we are very desperate for wisdom & guidance, and appreciate your prayers!)

Doing the Hard

I find it ironic that in life we somehow equate "easy" "normal" & "comfortable" with something or someone being "good".  Since when does that actually make sense?!?!

In fact, in terms of adoption, this notion is a stumbling block for Christians especially.  Have you heard it before?  

"Oh adoption isn't really for us.  Too many kids come out of it with issues."  

"There's no way we would ever adopt. I mean, have you SEEN the kids that are adopted?  It rarely works out good."

And I could sit here & throw the "Your bio kids have the same chance of ending up with issues" card back in their face, but in the end I think the root of it all goes much deeper than just that...

The root is about what we define as a "good kid".... 

Is a good kid the kid who easily gets through school with A's & B's???  

Is a good kid the kid who has lots of friends & is socially not considered "awkward"???

Is a good kid the kid that we don't feel "weird" around???

Is a good kid the kid that doesn't ask hard questions that we struggle to answer???

Is a good kid the kid who we don't have to talk about hard stuff with???

Is a good kid the one who turns out just like us & fits into our "box"??

How do we define good????????

Maybe I'm alone here or maybe it's just me getting older, but more & more I'm seeing that the "good" isn't always easy & hard isn't always "bad"....

It starts when you watch a bad situation in your life turn your character into something beautiful.  

It starts when you watch your friend's little son's cancer produce awe-inspiring things in the life of their family. 

It starts when you watch your mom be a caregiver all of her life to a Down Syndrome sister, a handicapped brother & a head-injury mom, and yet she still gives & gives & gives & gives.

It starts when you watch a child who, had he not been brought into a loving family, would have been stuck in an ongoing world of abuse & neglect.  Does it "save" him?  turn him "good"?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

So where does it end???

I guess I don't know.  And I'm willing to admit -  It might end in hard.  It might end in pain.... in heartache... separation... discomfort... .  

So do we all just throw our hands up & say "It's not worth it.  He didn't "turn out" good and I have hurts because of how hard it was" ??????

Man, I sure hope not.  Because if when I was hard & unloveable & living a life contrary to what my Lord wanted, He sure didn't give up on me.

It wasn't like "Well, she's good, so let's go ahead & choose to love her."  

It was more like: "Wow!  That one is a mess & when I look ahead into all the years of her life, she is still a mess who is so slow to catch onto what I'm teaching her.  I mean she is full-of-issues mess, but you know what?  I want to choose her & love her, and maybe, just maybe that love will mean more than any messed-up, issue-driven, hard that it's in her life."  

So, please people, let's stop using "hard" as an excuse.  I'm not saying everyone should adopt because Lord knows that I don't think that's the case!!  But to use "They might have issues & it might interrupt my vision of what good & happy & fun & comfort is all about."  No thanks.  

It's time to stop being afraid of the hard.  It's time to change our definition of good.  

Open Hands

I haven't written in forever.  No good excuses;  I just haven't known what to say.  I've typed a few times, ended up never really publishing every time & walked away again & again.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true.  Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months.  Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years.  With nothing to show for it except loss.  Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International.  While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana.  While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have.  Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full.  & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things?  What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts...  And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at.  Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up.  I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands.  I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.

What You Missed...

Hi Little One...
We had a fun family outing tonight & again, like other random times, I thought of you & how I can't wait for you to get here & be a part of our daily lives!!
It turns out that since we thought you were going to be from Ghana, we expected to know who you are by now... & even expected to have visited you at least once this summer, so we didn't make any summer vacation plans this year.  Now that things have changed, we're capitalizing on family time in different ways... like a family fun trip to the car wash....What?  You're wondering how that can be fun??



Because son, this??  This is quality time in action....

This is the kind of fun you have to look forward to when you have your own children.  Because it turns out that when you have kids, the very idea of having a clean van sounds exhilarating!  And when you get here, it will be even more fun -  because you'll not just be adding to the mess of the van, you'll be adding to the fun the kids had discovering lost toys under the seat, a couple fortunes from old Chinese cookies & chasing each other around the car wash parking lot.
Until one of them had to pee.... and nope, it wasn't baby girl (which would have been much easier being that she's still in diapers).  Instead it was your other sister... so things pretty much weren't as fun for her after that.  After that, she just sat on the car seat out on the parking lot with her legs crossed.
Which really is another thing I should mention:  When you come to join our family, the kids will have to teach you their fun trick of not going to the bathroom at home.  You'll have to talk to them about what their schedule is, but somehow they have it worked out where at least one always needs to go about 15-30 minutes after we leave the house.  So you'll have to work on figuring that out with them, but then we'll just add that to the list of fun things to do as a family when we are out & about.
Another thing the kids thought was fun at the car wash is the vacuuming hose.  Despite the fact that the carpet in the car is way dirtier than the carpet at our house, the suction of the car wash vacuum is a lot less than the vacuum at home.  So your baby sister thought it was a riot to put her fingers inside.  (Turns out mom didn't think it was quite as much fun picking all the grass, hair, & morsels of old, leftover food off the carpet & feeding it into the hose.)
Dad thought it was fun to do a quick wipe down of the plastic with some antibacterial wipes in the van.  At least, he said he had done it...   I'm sure he just thought the dried Cheerios & green sticky popsicle were part of the plastic of the van since it had been there so long...
So, yeah, you're missing out on some fun times.
But somehow I have a feeling when you get here things are going to get a lot more fun!
And don't worry - tomorrow afternoon we'll wonder when the last time the van got cleaned was anyway, so you know... more fun family car-wash times are in the future!

G.R.A.Y.

I know, it's been awhile... & it's not that adoption isn't on our hearts as fervently as it was "pre-Ghana-meltdown", it's that we are still working hard to get everything figured out... so keep hanging with us because I hope to have a more formal announcement about our new plans really soon...
In the meantime, I wanted to blog a bit about the gray issues of life - because we were faced with a lot of those lately within our adoption process, but really so many of us face them on a day by day basis...
You know what I'm talking about right?  Those decisions that aren't so black & white - no "go this way" versus "go that way".  A lot of life ends up in the gray unfortunately & we all try our darndest to make the (hopefully) best decision with the (hopefully) best results (or perhaps we don't try that hard to figure it out & don't care if it's the best decision & then most likely we don't end up with the best results... yep, we've all been there a time or two - not my best places for sure...)
  The summer after I graduated from college, I headed up to Miracle Camp as a counselor (one of the best places on Earth by far... like "You have just made it through your crazy school year, what are you going to do?!" "Go to Miracle Camp!!!" kind of place...)  So back in the day, the counselors would run these "workshops" for our high school camp week (basically a 20 minute class with some type of life skill) & a few of us got together &  decided to come up with a class to help the kids learn to think critically about all the gray issues in life.  Thus, G.R.A.Y. was born....
(And quite possibly no one remembers this class or the G.R.A.Y. tools we put together, but turns out I needed it too back then...and turns out I still need it!!)
So here's what we did back then: After naming a bunch of  "gray issues" (for example, the Bible never says "Thou shall not smoke" or "Thou shall not have sex before marriage" or "Thou shall only listen to music that says the word 'God' in it") , we talked through an acronym using the word "gray" to help figure out how to get through those issues...
G - - Go to God (Start by praying, end by praying, pretty much, pray your way through it - if you aren't asking for wisdom, you're not going to get it...)
R - - Read the Word (While, you may not find an out & out answer to your question, you can find a lot to point you in the right direction...For example, one of my favs in high school was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body.")
A - - Ask people you trust (This doesn't mean the man at the grocery store that you see once a week, (though I sure do love my produce guy at Kroger)... I'm talking about who you really respect in life, who you   really look up to in life...  It might be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a counselor or maybe the produce man happens to be your dad anyway, which is great for a number of reasons...moving on...
Y - - Here's what's really sad - I can't think of what the Y stood for.  So if anyone was in that class 12 years ago & took intricate notes & then kept those notes preserved & you happen to be reading this, let me know! (I just know so many people will be jumping at this opportunity to help me out!)  And if anyone can think of anything that even sounds remotely good, you are more than welcome to share that as well....

So that was G.R.A.Y. then... as for now -- well, now, the basic premise holds true, it's just that the issues have gotten more complex.  When I put myself back in high school, the issues I first mentioned were plenty tough to deal with (& unfortunately along my high school & college ways, I didn't always remember - or rather, chose to ignore G.R.A.Y.), but it definitely feels like the issues then were more internal, more personal - yeah, they influenced other people, but not to the extent they do now.  You factor in having kids & now it's like "We want another child but have been advised not to have one on our own - do we pursue adoption?" or "Should we adopt in country or internationally? within our own race boundaries or transracially?"  or lately, "Should we pursue an adoption in such & such country?" And then the always follow up - "And how in the world is this going to affect the 3 children we already have?????"
So we've gone through G.R.A.Y. alot during this adoption process......
And we also have had many nights, especially lately, when we have hardly slept...
But I figure no one wants to hear about how we laid in the dark for hours watching the minutes tick by so let's just end on the easier to explain G.R.A.Y. note.  You're welcome.

Becoming part of the solution...

Well, it's been a week....
I want to protect people & agencies, but this past week we had to say NO to a 3 year old in Ghana & then while trying to pursue a 5 month old in Uganda, found out that another family got matched to him first - by a matter of hours...
Whoa...
And I want to make a couple things clear in that last sentence (the one before the "Whoa" that is...)...
First, the 3 year old & the agency he was with was NOT our agency & a number of things started not sitting right with us as we found out more information (for example, & this is just the tip of the iceberg - we were first shown his picture with no information other than an approximate age.  I will explain why that didn't sit right with us in the next paragraph.)  Initially, it felt exciting, but see, international adoption can be tricky, especially in African countries where often there isn't a certain set of rules & guidelines that are to be followed.  So unfortunately, it can leave room for disturbing things such as trafficking, corruption motivated by money, & essentially actions that don't keep the best interest of the child in mind.  In other words, you can either become part of the solution to the 147 million orphans around the world (for whom international adoption is a just a part of the process of them becoming placed into families), or you can just be one who adds to the problem that is international adoption & make things slow down for everyone, harming the children along the way.... All along we have desired to become part of the solution.  We are a family who recognize our desire for another child PLUS we recognize there are millions of children around the world who desire a family.  And while that seems like an easy enough match, it doesn't always happen that easily.  So along the way we have been very committed to an ethical adoption which means we have had to move slower...which means we have to be careful to cross every "T" & dot every "I"... which means that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy in all the fact checking!!  First we check on the agency - (for example, looking for reviews from other adoptive parents, asking if the agency is doing any orphan care in country besides simply international adoption, asking about who they work with in country, their financial status as an agency, etc.).  Next we check into the orphan himself - (for example, why were they orphaned, is there anyone in the extended family who would want this child, has their been opportunity for the child to be placed with a family in country, etc.)  And then we recheck it all again.... So when we did all this to the 3 year old in Ghana basically things felt shaky & we knew we needed to say NO....
And it wasn't hard really, but it still felt really sad...  Because sometimes becoming part of the solution doesn't equal out the way you hoped it would.
The second thing I want to clear up is in regards to the little boy in Uganda - it was unique situation any way you looked at it.  And again, I have to protect him, his new family, his mother, etc. so I can't share many details, but just know that this was a rare case where an infant was available because of some very harsh circumstances.  And then once you could look past the difficult situation that orphaned him, you had to come to grips with the fact that Uganda adoption in general is risky in terms of the way it is going.  They have had a large amount of corruption & unfortunately a lot of that is also within those processing the adoptions in country.  (Plus then you hope to have a judge sensitive to international adoption & there was one there, but he was in the process of transferring out so we were going to be in a major rush to get all our paperwork transferred not to mention a major financial step.)  But through prayer, discussion & a bunch of those checks & rechecks again, we felt okay to move forward....  Just in time for another family to claim him hours before we did.
Ohhhhhh...kay...
Now one thing that helped with the hurt in the Uganda process was that we were never given his picture.  In fact I specifically requested that they NOT show us his picture.  For me that creates an emotional connection that I didn't want to have present when making this decision.  Ryan seems to be able to not get as attached, but in my opinion, especially for women, it's just part of the problem again, not part of the solution.  Once you see a picture it's hard to not immediately think you should take that child.  The hopelessness in their eyes is near unbearable to look at... But that child may not be the one who is best for your family, not to mention the checking & rechecking about his orphan status.  On the other hand, I believe that when we receive a referral & have the full story & feel more certainty with moving forward to adopt whoever that little one is- that referral picture will become one of the dearest things of our entire life.
So, that's the past week plus of our lives adoption-wise (really it started 2 weeks ago, but just ended about a week ago...)
And we're moving on... pressing on... persevering on in this journey with no end in site.  All because we hope to become part of the solution.
I guess only time will show how it all equals out!

It's Gonna Be Worth It All...

I would say this song pretty much sums it up...
And it is well worth 5 minutes of your time....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnf21GC2aBQ

Amen...

Thoughts I'm thinking...

It's been awhile since I wrote on here, & I know a lot of people have been wondering & asking me "Where are you at now?" since everything got really fuzzy back 3 weeks ago... Well, we are kind-of in the same spot (which is part of why I haven't written in awhile)... And more than that, I'm still having difficulty processing everything myself (as is Ryan), so it makes it even more hard to explain to someone else....
But here are random thoughts I've had in the last few weeks:
THOUGHT 1:  I'm thankful that when I truly don't know what to say in my prayers, I can cry out "Daddy, Abba, Father!" & the Spirit intercedes for me knowing exactly where my heart is....
THOUGHT 2:  I'm wondering why I ever thought a Floatable Alphabet was necessary for the kids' bathtime.  I mean seriously, can the kid just have fun once in awhile?  Why do we think we need to use every moment including splashing in the water to try to make them smarter or give them an edge??  "Oh you want to know why my son was reading before kindergarten?  Well, we have this great alphabet set that sticks to the walls of the bathtub for like 5 seconds before falling off...." 
THOUGHT 3:  I'm thinking that God is still impressing the desire for another child on both Ryan & I's hearts.  So knowing it's still there at least gives us a push to keep moving forward...
THOUGHT 4:  I'm thinking that international adoption is a big, crazy mess.  And it is, it just is... listen, domestic adoption is hard enough without imposing a whole 'nother country into the mix.  You do that & you just are destined for more work & more hardship.  You go ahead & try with a country from Africa where they are still very much figuring out the role of government within their country & well, it's even that much MORE work & MORE hardship... (For example, we recently found out that the woman who issued the suspensions of adoptions in Ghana does not have a legal right to impose that suspension. So while obviously it's likely the possibility of a true suspension or legal changes related to adoption is going to have to be addressed soon in Ghana, for now the suspension isn't playing out in country near the way this minister would have hoped.  Many regional directors are still going through all that needs to be done to legalize the adoption on their end.)
[BTW - for more information on the craziness that is international adoption right now go to http://buy.stuckdocumentary.com/.  This is a site dedicated to the new documentary making waves called "Stuck".  It's the perfect title for so very many families & so very many, many children.....]
THOUGHT 5:  I'm also wondering why, oh why, my house is getting dirtier when we are in it less???  It's always the most frustrating part of the summer for me - home a lot less, dirtier a lot more...Coincidently, my 5 year old daughter wrote on my mother's day card this year the following: "My mommy is good at... cleaning.  My mommy likes to.... clean.  My mommy is often... cleaning."  (Which is kind-of humorous yet sweet except that my husband was laughing really hard for some reason....)
THOUGHT 6:  I've been thinking a lot about loss & how (or in many times, if...) we allow ourselves to experience loss.  One of the best gifts my mother has shown me as I've become a mom is the "right to grieve a loss".  She has a good friend who is a counselor & who gave that gift to her... She always says that we need to "grieve our losses". 
All of us go through loss of something or someone in our lifetime & whether society would call them "big" or "small" does not matter.  What matters is that thing or that idea or that dream or that person was important to us.  And I'm learning that if we don't grieve the loss, we end up stuck - whether it's stuck being bitter, stuck in the past, stuck in our frustration, stuck in our "What If's?"....
It's been said there are 5 stages to grief & the person who can accept the loss often goes through those stages to varying degrees to reach the end...
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5)  Acceptance
Last week I finally realized that I had been doing this.  I was starting a grieving process as we are faced with a very real "loss" in terms of our dreams of adopting from Ghana & it keeps hitting me every week that goes by with no real news for us.  That dream meant that we were sure we would be traveling there at least once by the end of this summer (which means we were saving up vacation time for that & now that it's not here, we are scrambling to figure out what to even do this summer!)... That dream meant that by now we would at least know who "he" was - have a face, a name.... That dream meant we would stay with the same agency, same country all through the adoption even if (when) we encountered some paperwork issue later on in the process, then we would fight & get through it with a son in tow returning home joyfully before Christmas of this year... It didn't seem to farfetched to me or to others in terms of how Ghana had been running.  But you all know it's not like that now & while it's still going (& for that I'm so grateful!), it's not looking all that steady for people like us who have yet to be matched to a child (whether through a referral or finding a waiting child) plus there are certainly a lot of slowdowns right now in general & uncertainty for the future all the way around.  Initially when we heard the news I was well into Stage 1,  "God will change her heart", "It's not really happening the way we are hearing".... pretty quickly I moved to stage 2 & 3 together I think - - "well we just hang on because it guaranteed to work out in the end"... or frustration at organizations & people at every end of the spectrum... Stage 4 started hitting last week, I cried to a friend of mine who is a teacher in the middle of the school day... No, I really did - like, there she is with her class behind her & for what I think was a good 10 minutes after she had asked me "How is it going?" I start talking & then crying & then I look behind her & see all those kids & think "Oh my word, what is wrong with me??".   (She was so gracious by the way - kudos to her for not interrupting me with a "So, I have 26 first graders I'm in charge of? Remember those???")  I cried earlier that week too a number of times with Ryan & then on Friday it was pretty much a meltdown all day so that by the end of the day I had swollen tissue all around my eyes & really, let's be honest, my whole face... And then I had to attempt to cover that up so we could attend a graduation party & then my son's baseball game... not pretty people...literally...
I think I'm still there to a degree, but there is a little more fight back in my right now as we continue to pursue all our various options again.  We constantly pray for direction, for wisdom, for peace.  And we aren't going to move from where we are until we feel that clarity (which we all know could take awhile, so pretty much, I need to sit back & buckle my seat belt...)

So here's my thought on this lately  - it's not just me.  I'm not the only one going through loss right now.  I've talked to friends these past weeks & realized how very often we have to do this in our lives.  It's not just like one time in your life, it's like over & over & over again.... Your child didn't make the cheerleading team or the traveling soccer team?  Well, she may need to accept the loss, and then maybe you do too because you had hoped she would follow in your foot steps...  You found out that you or someone in your family is facing a devastating illness?  That's just pretty much going to blow you off your feet & if you don't deal with the loss, it's going to leave you knocked down....  You realized that someone close to you isn't who you thought they were or that the relationship you had with someone isn't what you thought it was?  That's really tough stuff & you have to admit the depth of that loss in your life...  Your house isn't as clean as you wish (as indicated by the things your little daughter is picking up... & usually eating... off the floor)?  It's a loss of what you thought so admit that it's dirty, that it's not what you hoped it would be, & go outside & have fun with your kids...
Sorry, just had to throw that one in there...
Anyway... The truth is - it's real to you, so grieve it - - - grieve it so you can come to stage 5 - - - grieve it so you can accept it & grieve it so you can move on....

In one minute....

In one minute the whole direction of your life can change...
Our family's just did....
Have you had this happen to you before?  Probably you have but just in case you haven't - if you imagine someone standing straight in front of you & just punching you square in the gut, then yep, you got it. 
That happened today. 
In one minute, I read the email from our adoption coordinator. "...a directive has been issued from the ministry to the regional directors that all adoptions must be suspended in Ghana immediately"
And that was it.  Just like that. 
What it means is that we're waiting to hear back about what our options are at this point - hoping to hear some the end of this week & some next week.  (By the way, you can't wait on 2 lists/2 countries - you have decide on one & go with it.)
What it means is that we will most likely not be with the Ghana program (if there will even be one after this week), especially since we hadn't even received a referral.  In adoption terms, that means we are on the bottom of the dog pile.
What it also means is that we've "lost" a year of time, months of paperwork & a half of our adoption money that we had set aside.  (I say "lost" because we won't ever get that back.)
And if I let my mind go there - on what it all means right now  - well, I would be the one lost.  Lost in regret, lost in anxiety, lost in despair...
But here's my "1000 Gifts" List:
First, I'm so thankful for the way God has been working on my heart the past week.  If He hadn't I wouldn't have been able to hear this news today.
Second, I'm so thankful for my hubby - my steady hubby who trusts & loves so much better than I do. 
Third, I'm thankful for my kids.  Oh my darling children.  I don't know how we will tell them.  It will be quite a lesson on trust & hurt & trust again for them as well.  The daily/nightly prayers they uttered on behalf of their "brother from Ghana" & the orphans of Ghana.....  The African music that is played often in our house...(& was in fact, sung to by them even today after I heard the news - you better believe I was choking back tears the whole time.)  At some point when we have some clearer direction we will share with them, but in the meantime we will keep praying with them for the dear little ones in Ghana & believe that nothing is wasted (if you haven't read my last post, now would be a good time to switch over there:  http://www.livingloveeph5.blogspot.com/2013/04/nothing-is-wasted.html)
{{The above was written on Tuesday night, the night after we found out....continuing on with thoughts that I have had in the past 2 days since...}}
As of today, nothing has changed & really, I think there is still so much to process with all of this.  This week is a waiting like we have never waited before (more like a waiting-on-pins-&-needles kind-of waiting).  It still, as I type this & think over it all, makes me feel sick to my stomach & if I let it go on, could make me "lost" as I said before. 
I am thinking on these things as I pray:
The main thing is that (& I'll just be honest here - this is going to be somewhat controversial & not sit well with everyone) it's true I believe in miracles & believe that God could completely change the heart of the National Minister in charge of all this.  Really, I do.... but I think when I get wrapped up in praying for that & for some big huge miracle to occur, I'm missing what God is doing now, right now, in this situation.  Sunday we had a phenomenal sermon about prayer based off Acts 4:23-31.  The disciples had just been pulled into court & essentially told to stop talking about Jesus, and they decide to gather & pray.  This is a pivotal point in their ministry & in that moment, everything hinged on their next decision.  They sure must have had a "punch-in-the-gut" experience as they were faced with either death from talking or staying silent about the Lord who had changed their lives & commanded them to "Preach the Gospel".   If you study that prayer, there is very little supplication (or asking/telling God what to do/how to do it).  The majority of the prayer begins with acknowledging who God is, in other words, His character, and also acknowledging what He has done & said in the past, His faithfulness.... There is once verse in there asking for boldness (vs. 29) but everything else is just praises & expressed confidence in who God is & that His will is what will prevail.   As I type this, all I can think is, "Teach me Lord"..... "Teach me to pray like that!  To be so sure & confident in You that I don't have to go asking for something all the time.  To be so sure & confident in You that I know you will do what is for our good, for the good of the children in Ghana & for Your glory according to Your time & Your purposes."  I want that more than anything else.... you know what friends?  I want that more than I want another child.  And that is really, really hard to say right now, but it's the cry of my heart & it's the lifting up of my hands & it's the laying down of my will & it's the bowing of my knees....  Your will Lord Jesus, not based on what I wish would happen, not based on what I think would be the best way or the good way, but based on who YOU are!!
To be honest, it's been hard to not just want to hole up & want to take time to process all of this - I'm having to force myself to keep going, keep getting out.  Yesterday I went on a walk with my little one, & my sister & 3 of my nieces.  The 2 older ones were riding their bike & it was a bit of a trek... We had instructed them to stop at each of the corners to take a break & wait for us slow mommies to catch up.  At some point in one of the blocks, they stopped at a nice shady spot because they said they wanted a break.  Quickly we had caught up to them & they had to get back on their bikes & then go just a short distance to the corner where they should have stopped & waited for us & where they would have had a longer break & not had to get back up on their bikes.  Now, I'm probably reading way more into this than I should but you know what I thought??  I thought to myself "Ryan & Janelle, do NOT get off the bike when it feels like you're tired & need a break.  Do NOT get off the bike because it seems like a good spot to stop.  Because if you hold on a little longer, He will take you to the right break - the right end, not the one that seems easy & safe to you, but to the one that will reap more reward."  So hear me on this, I'm not going to get off the bike this time & sit in my bed & question why He started us on this journey over a year ago only to have it feel like it's "ending" here.  I'm not going to start to question His character because a lady who has a high degree of power in Ghana gave out a directive halting adoptions.  We may need to steer in another direction, yes, that much is true, but it's not like we get off the bike when things don't seem to go as planned. 
(And by the way, if you have been along this journey with us, would you keep pedaling behind us??  We need the push of your prayers & the encouragement that you bring to us;  it helps to know you're cheering us on & care about us!)
Lastly, as a side note, I don't know what in life you are facing right now that feels like a punch-in-the-gut....  but if you claim Christ as your Savior & Master, then keep on pedaling - don't give up now!!  We both know that God is Much Too Wise, Much Too Good, Much Too Loving to only bring you this far & leave you.  The end may not be what you want it to be, but it will be much better...
And if you don't believe & you're trying to muddle through the muck & mire of that situation, there is a God who loves you dearly, who not only created you in a unique way, but longs to redeem Your life from that pit & set you back on a firm road of purpose.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot be moved;
    he who keeps you will not slumber."  (Psalm 121:1-3)

Amen..... Selah....