SO..... if this was a natural born baby I was carrying & birthing, we would be way past that 40 week mark. If we could say that all the praying/planning before we actually started paperwork was kind-of like all the "trying" months & that once we started the paperwork, we started our actual pregnancy, well, we'd be over by now.
And if we weren't past it by now, I would certainly be at the "GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" stage in the pregnancy where you are screaming at everything that moves because, well frankly because you can't..... & so when something moves it just reminds you that you're stuck & not just stuck in & of yourself, but stuck because another person has taken over your body kind-of-stuck.... (No, I'm not dramatic at all - what in the world gave you that idea?!?!?!)
But sad for us, this isn't a "normal pregnancy" - the fruits of our labor (literally) have not come forth yet. This weekend we celebrated one of our family friends' birth of their 4th little one (& their first boy, which is super exciting!) & rejoiced with other family friends who accepted a referral (or rather found her on a waiting list) of a little girl in China. It's so exciting to watch how God grows families, isn't it?? You may think your done, or maybe you aren't sure.... you may wish it could be easier but in the end it's exactly how it's supposed to be.....
I guess I just want it to be stated that 9 months in & past paperwork & over a year in with out hearts & minds, it feels like we aren't even that far along still. Like maybe we are still in month 5??? That's hard to deal with sometimes as we wait & search waiting child lists & wait some more & then search some more... I can't imagine going through all this time, all this money & not ending up with a child at the end of it all. Is this a possibility? Yeah, in a lot of ways it still is which is a bit unthinkable really & I'm not sure how you grieve something you never had (I'm hopeful I won't ever have to know). But more than that, I think I'm just wanting to chronicle that God is growing me - in ways that I had always hoped but I wondered if it could really be done (after all I'm getting "old" - I've hit that age where I think it's best to just NOT reveal my age. And I guess I think that's one of the first signs your getting old - you hesitate & have to figure out if you are just going to say it & move on or mumble it & move on... either way, you're hoping to just move on....)
Yep, there's been 9 months of growth here for sure....It's possible you'll see it - not that there is another little person to see & you start wondering who he/she looks more like....No it's more that you'll look into my life & see, well, a better reflection of my Heavenly Father.
And while technically we are WAY past our "due date", I'm still hopeful that at some point we'll be able to type that post.... you know the whole "Thrilled to Announce" "Please join us in welcoming" Post. Who's excited for it already????? I know I sure am!!!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The RACE Post....
Ok, I'm going there.....
Never really planned to on this blog except that it's about to become a big part of our lives & well, it's been rolling around in my head for the past 2 weeks, so you know... feel like I should get it out because it's certainly part of our adoption journey.
First off, a small note of where we are in the process -
We're Waiting.
Yep, that's pretty much it. Not much else to report. All our paperwork is done & we are just waiting for a referral....and waiting... and praying..... and waiting....and wondering how long the waiting might be....and waiting. So, would sure love it if you keep on sharing all that waiting, praying, wondering along with us - makes it easier to keep on going!
Annnnnddddd, we're back.... back to the topic at hand that is.
As many of you are aware (& everyone has most likely figured out) we are a white, American family. A white, American family waiting to accept a referral to adopt a black, African little boy.
This doesn't scare us. Do you think it should? The truth is, I'm just not exactly sure if it should or shouldn't....
In a lot of ways I think it shouldn't.
The Bible has been used to back up a lot of causes in history. And I wish I could say they were all good justifiable causes, but I admit that's just not true (& if you don't know that, it's a good idea to be educated about it!! Never a good idea to just pull out a verse & plaster it on your cause without really checking out if it jives with the rest of what Scripture says!) However, the Bible has also been used to back up a lot of fantastic things in history & one of the TRUTHS of the Bible that has stood the test of time (despite others pulling out random verses that don't correlate with the whole of the Bible as a means for hatred) is the radical-for-the-time announcement of where God stands on racial/culture boundaries. Verses like Galations 3:28:
Never really planned to on this blog except that it's about to become a big part of our lives & well, it's been rolling around in my head for the past 2 weeks, so you know... feel like I should get it out because it's certainly part of our adoption journey.
First off, a small note of where we are in the process -
We're Waiting.
Yep, that's pretty much it. Not much else to report. All our paperwork is done & we are just waiting for a referral....and waiting... and praying..... and waiting....and wondering how long the waiting might be....and waiting. So, would sure love it if you keep on sharing all that waiting, praying, wondering along with us - makes it easier to keep on going!
Annnnnddddd, we're back.... back to the topic at hand that is.
As many of you are aware (& everyone has most likely figured out) we are a white, American family. A white, American family waiting to accept a referral to adopt a black, African little boy.
This doesn't scare us. Do you think it should? The truth is, I'm just not exactly sure if it should or shouldn't....
In a lot of ways I think it shouldn't.
The Bible has been used to back up a lot of causes in history. And I wish I could say they were all good justifiable causes, but I admit that's just not true (& if you don't know that, it's a good idea to be educated about it!! Never a good idea to just pull out a verse & plaster it on your cause without really checking out if it jives with the rest of what Scripture says!) However, the Bible has also been used to back up a lot of fantastic things in history & one of the TRUTHS of the Bible that has stood the test of time (despite others pulling out random verses that don't correlate with the whole of the Bible as a means for hatred) is the radical-for-the-time announcement of where God stands on racial/culture boundaries. Verses like Galations 3:28:
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
and Romans 10:12
"For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all..."
and a bunch of others like those 2 are ones that I have read & long thought "WOW! We are ALL made in the image of God" or in other more-known, more-simple words that my kiddos love to sing "Red & yellow, black & white, we are precious in His sight"...
And when it comes to adoption into HIS family, if God makes no difference on who He allows in - black or white, slave or free, murderer that everyone knows about or adulterer that keeps it a secret, American or Ghanian, sinner that flaunts it or goody-two-shoes with skeletons in her closet - well, than why should I??? Why should we??? Why should we let race divide our families? & let's just bring it on home.... Why should we let race divide our churches???? The truth is - We Shouldn't.
But while I know that truth in my heart & try to live it out in my life sometimes I wonder...
Maybe we should be more scared about it....
After all, what will the future hold for our black son growing up with white parents in a predominately white town & in a predominately white church? (FYI - both the town & the church have come a long way since I was little - much more diversity now & a lot more multi-racial families in both places which is a significant part of why we felt more comfortable adopting from Africa while living here.)
I've been starting to read more to prepare for our coming home times ahead... I recently finished a book called "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother" by James McBride. I should mention that in this case, the author is NOT adopted - his white mother is his biological birth mother who was married to a black man (who died early in the author's life). The story itself is fascinating & goes back & forth between the two generations (the mother's & the son's). It's
interesting to see the difference between the 2 time periods & how race is addressed in each generation. For sure the author struggled at times to find his identity as a black kid living in a black community with a white mother who chose to not discuss race. He says, "The question of race was like the power of the moon... It's what made the river flow, the ocean swell, and the ride rise, but it was a silent power..." & it was, essentially, ignored in his house. I'm not really sold on the idea of ignoring race within our family, but I definitely think I'm still learning how to actually address it. At one time when James McBride was a young boy he wrote, "I thought it would be easier if we were just one color, black or white....Now, as a grown man, I feel privileged to have come from two worlds.... I don't belong to any of those groups. I belong to the world of one God, one people."
I love how honest he is in saying those words....
Wouldn't it just be easier if we were all black or maybe all white? Or if we were all Asian or all European?
I'll be the first to admit that yes, that sounds simpler. But the fact is, it's not what my God is about... I smile as I type this because my God is about making the complex simple. He's about taking that which seems hard & more of a challenge & making it come down to something so easy, so simple that once we figure it out - well, it frees us from the hard. You see, my God is about LOVE. He's about LOVING. In fact, 1 John 4:8 tells us that God is the very meaning, the essence, of what LOVE is.
So, I was actually reading the 10th Anniversary Edition of this book which meant I got to read an added-on Afterward that pretty much summed up what I was feeling as I finished the book (which is what I wrote above).... McBride's conclusion 10 years later was the same. He says:
"The plain truth is that you'd have an easier time standing in the middle of the Mississippi River and requesting that it flow backward than to expect people of different races & backgrounds to stop loving each other...Love is unstoppable. It is our greatest weapon, a natural force, created by God.... family love, a mother's love, gives us grace, courage, & power beyond measure." A page later he writes, "Family love: It is firm footing, something to cling to in a frightened world that seems to spin out of control with war, turmoil, terrorism, and uncertainty. It is our highest calling and our greatest nobility."
Beautiful...
So someday when my son asks me why I look different than him or why he looks different than his brother.... someday when the race issue is brought to the forefront of his mind because of some stupid thing that someone says who simply isn't captured by LOVE yet....
On those days I'm going to tell him, "Listen baby, you're right - mommy & daddy's skin color is different than your color and sometimes you may wish you were our color & sometimes we will wish we were your color but you know what? We love you no matter what & we chose you to be in our family. Not because of anything you did or because of your skin color or anything else people see on the outside but simply because we wanted you - we wanted you to be a part of our family."
Take that race-issue....
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
DREAMS
What do you dream of??
And to clarify, I don't mean the "I was riding my bike in the middle of an ocean when a bear jumped out from underneath the sea & then my husband was a superhero & flew through the air to catch me right before the bear ate me up" kind-of dreams....
I mean the, "I'm lost daydreaming about the most wonderful thing I can imagine" kind of dreams.....
What do you DREAM of??
I read a Facebook comment from another Ghana-adopt momma (btw - Facebook is so awesome for meeting & supporting those in the same situation we are going through - I could not be more thankful for them as we have often joined together in prayers & fasting for each other especially as these past months have gotten tough for so many...)... Anyway, her comment was about her 6 year old son who is now home with them. She said he told them he used to "dream about having a bicycle & eating chicken every day."
Oh my word....
A bike & chicken, people....
You know what I thought when I read that? I thought "I can do that!!"
I thought "Little One, wherever you are, I have a bike!! And I can feed you chicken & pork & beef every single night of your life in our house!!"
& then I teared up thinking "I can make your dreams come true!!!" .....
But then I thought:
"Isn't it sad that while I can make a little boy from Africa's dreams come true, I so often can't make my own children's dreams come true not to mention my own dreams?????"
Do you want to know why I can't??
It's because she dreams of going to Disney World every year & staying in Cinderella's castle, sleeping in Cinderella's room.....(& baby girl, we are never going to be that rich!)....
It's because he dreams of meeting Albert Puhols & playing professional baseball... (& Sonshine, for so many reasons, I just can't promise you that)....
And way too often lately, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm dreaming about Matilda Jane clothes for my girls... (& sidenote - have you seen the prices on those clothes??? I mean, don't get me wrong, they are GOR-GEOUS but ouch!! So then I have to try to get them for a bargain so I can afford more of them & then I end up obsessed about finding a good deal because I was raised to always, always find a good deal but as my mom can attest, sometimes I lose my common-sense in the quest for the good deal!! Sigh... this could be a never-ending addiction if I let it become one....)
Do you hear those dreams I'm telling you??? Nothing like over the top, right??? As I type this out it's somewhat sickening to me because we are so Americanized in our dreaming.... so middle-class... so "chasing after the Jones'".... and is that what life is about?? I mean, really.... is that what dreaming is for??
This past week I've been reading 1 Timothy 6 every morning & the following verses keep jumping out at me: " 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."
When was the last time I was content with food & clothing???
When was the last time my dreams were dreams not of the extravagance but of simple pleasure & desires above the basic needs of food & clothes???
When was the last time I stopped thinking about more of everything & was thankful for the plenty that I already have?
Oh my friends, it grieves my heart to think on these answers....
I can't wait to make the dreams come true for the son born of my heart. I can't wait to show him his very own bike, to put shoes on his feet that have actual shoelaces that actually tie.... I can't wait to feed him beef - like real-from-a-cow beef (& if you know me well, you know I'm a bit of a meat snob so you know it's going to be good!!)... I can't wait to show him his dresser full of clothes, to show him the boys' bedroom complete with his very own bed... I can't wait to open up our pantry doors & let him know "We keep food here - it's never going away & you will always, always have more than enough...."
And I can't wait to keep learning more of what contentment truly is & to share the gift that it is with my children.
Now that's a good dream......
And to clarify, I don't mean the "I was riding my bike in the middle of an ocean when a bear jumped out from underneath the sea & then my husband was a superhero & flew through the air to catch me right before the bear ate me up" kind-of dreams....
I mean the, "I'm lost daydreaming about the most wonderful thing I can imagine" kind of dreams.....
What do you DREAM of??
I read a Facebook comment from another Ghana-adopt momma (btw - Facebook is so awesome for meeting & supporting those in the same situation we are going through - I could not be more thankful for them as we have often joined together in prayers & fasting for each other especially as these past months have gotten tough for so many...)... Anyway, her comment was about her 6 year old son who is now home with them. She said he told them he used to "dream about having a bicycle & eating chicken every day."
Oh my word....
A bike & chicken, people....
You know what I thought when I read that? I thought "I can do that!!"
I thought "Little One, wherever you are, I have a bike!! And I can feed you chicken & pork & beef every single night of your life in our house!!"
& then I teared up thinking "I can make your dreams come true!!!" .....
But then I thought:
"Isn't it sad that while I can make a little boy from Africa's dreams come true, I so often can't make my own children's dreams come true not to mention my own dreams?????"
Do you want to know why I can't??
It's because she dreams of going to Disney World every year & staying in Cinderella's castle, sleeping in Cinderella's room.....(& baby girl, we are never going to be that rich!)....
It's because he dreams of meeting Albert Puhols & playing professional baseball... (& Sonshine, for so many reasons, I just can't promise you that)....
And way too often lately, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm dreaming about Matilda Jane clothes for my girls... (& sidenote - have you seen the prices on those clothes??? I mean, don't get me wrong, they are GOR-GEOUS but ouch!! So then I have to try to get them for a bargain so I can afford more of them & then I end up obsessed about finding a good deal because I was raised to always, always find a good deal but as my mom can attest, sometimes I lose my common-sense in the quest for the good deal!! Sigh... this could be a never-ending addiction if I let it become one....)
Do you hear those dreams I'm telling you??? Nothing like over the top, right??? As I type this out it's somewhat sickening to me because we are so Americanized in our dreaming.... so middle-class... so "chasing after the Jones'".... and is that what life is about?? I mean, really.... is that what dreaming is for??
This past week I've been reading 1 Timothy 6 every morning & the following verses keep jumping out at me: " 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."
When was the last time I was content with food & clothing???
When was the last time my dreams were dreams not of the extravagance but of simple pleasure & desires above the basic needs of food & clothes???
When was the last time I stopped thinking about more of everything & was thankful for the plenty that I already have?
Oh my friends, it grieves my heart to think on these answers....
I can't wait to make the dreams come true for the son born of my heart. I can't wait to show him his very own bike, to put shoes on his feet that have actual shoelaces that actually tie.... I can't wait to feed him beef - like real-from-a-cow beef (& if you know me well, you know I'm a bit of a meat snob so you know it's going to be good!!)... I can't wait to show him his dresser full of clothes, to show him the boys' bedroom complete with his very own bed... I can't wait to open up our pantry doors & let him know "We keep food here - it's never going away & you will always, always have more than enough...."
And I can't wait to keep learning more of what contentment truly is & to share the gift that it is with my children.
Now that's a good dream......
Sunday, February 3, 2013
We Cried For You...
Son, I just want you to know that today your brother & I cried for you...
How do you miss something you have not yet had? How do you love something you don't know?
I've said it before but again, it's the most amazing thing, this adoption process. To care so much for you whose name we do not even know....
Last night your brother had his first sleepover. I was so proud of him. He choose a good friend & they both did so well. We had pizza & made cookies. They played Mario, Bey Blades, Legos... they made treasure maps, tracks, space ships.... This morning we had waffles & headed to church. I was proud of them both & thankful, so thankful for friends like this in his life.
When we got to church, they parted ways - back to families & your brother was quiet for awhile during the worship songs. And at some point he tugged on my arm & I looked down & he was crying - tears just quietly streaming down his face & when I sat down to ask him what was wrong, he simply said, "I just want my brother."..............................
Do you hear that? Can you feel that? It's the ache of a little boy who knows you are out there, but doesn't know your name, has never seen your face, doesn't know how old you are....
And then I cried too - yes, out of my love for you - but also because WHO ARE WE to get a glimpse into this mystery of love????
That my Heavenly Father would love me in a way that goes beyond my name, beyond what I look like or who I am or what I do. There is a purity to that love that I can only pray we will always have for each other in this family, my son.
Because there will be days that we will fight. There will be days that you want to play legos & he wants to play baseball, or rather you will both want to play legos & you will fight over who gets to use what piece. There will be days that he is mean & you are angry or you are mean & he is angry. There will be days that we all are both....
Yes, we are guaranteed to have hard days - days that will try our patience, test our love.
I pray about that often - that on those days the love we have for each other will prevail & that it will make us compassionate, merciful, & full of grace & forgiveness.
But please know that now... well, right now, we just love you....so much that sometimes, it spills out of our hearts & it runs down our faces.
How do you miss something you have not yet had? How do you love something you don't know?
I've said it before but again, it's the most amazing thing, this adoption process. To care so much for you whose name we do not even know....
Last night your brother had his first sleepover. I was so proud of him. He choose a good friend & they both did so well. We had pizza & made cookies. They played Mario, Bey Blades, Legos... they made treasure maps, tracks, space ships.... This morning we had waffles & headed to church. I was proud of them both & thankful, so thankful for friends like this in his life.
When we got to church, they parted ways - back to families & your brother was quiet for awhile during the worship songs. And at some point he tugged on my arm & I looked down & he was crying - tears just quietly streaming down his face & when I sat down to ask him what was wrong, he simply said, "I just want my brother."..............................
Do you hear that? Can you feel that? It's the ache of a little boy who knows you are out there, but doesn't know your name, has never seen your face, doesn't know how old you are....
And then I cried too - yes, out of my love for you - but also because WHO ARE WE to get a glimpse into this mystery of love????
That my Heavenly Father would love me in a way that goes beyond my name, beyond what I look like or who I am or what I do. There is a purity to that love that I can only pray we will always have for each other in this family, my son.
Because there will be days that we will fight. There will be days that you want to play legos & he wants to play baseball, or rather you will both want to play legos & you will fight over who gets to use what piece. There will be days that he is mean & you are angry or you are mean & he is angry. There will be days that we all are both....
Yes, we are guaranteed to have hard days - days that will try our patience, test our love.
I pray about that often - that on those days the love we have for each other will prevail & that it will make us compassionate, merciful, & full of grace & forgiveness.
But please know that now... well, right now, we just love you....so much that sometimes, it spills out of our hearts & it runs down our faces.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
"Words" Update....
Ok, so a little over a week ago, I wrote the "Words" post. If I was smart, I would know how to just type the word "here" & you would click on it & it would take you to that post in case you didn't read that one yet, but here's the deal.... I'm not smart. At least not in terms of blogs & internet & technology - and some would argue that I'm just not smart, but again... that's a whole 'nother post....
So, here's the 2 things I was reminded of after I wrote the "Words" post....
First, I do & feel SO much better when I actually learn to express my feelings - whether verbally or writtenly.... (and yes, spell check, I again realize that is not a word, but this is where my smarts are again showing - I cannot think of how else to say that word....if someone has an idea, feel free to let me know - in a kind way please & thank you!).... Anyway, this was a lesson I started learning a little over a year ago - for some reason in the past it was working for me just to bottle up & not talk about my own feelings, to just "power through", but I think in anyone's life that is only going to work for so long.... For me, it fell apart having my littlest- things weren't going so well during that pregnancy & after, & I finally learned that if I told my hubby how I was really feeling, I felt better (& our marriage got better too - added BONUS!)....
Second, I did some major talking to the Lord. This is another thing I have had to grow in - I've always loved to read my Bible - I mean I go through ups & downs of actually taking the time to do it, but once I start back up again, I actually just crave reading it & learning from it (see? I do have a bit of smarts about me!). But to take the time to be still? to not only talk to the Lord but to be still before Him? Well, that's a toughie for me... But I took some time to do that - to quiet myself before Him & to just tell Him little things like:
"I trust you." ......
"I know you love me."....
"I know you have a special place in your heart for orphans & you honor the requests of those who want to give them forever families."......
"I know you know the desires of our family's heart.".......
(And if I wasn't sitting in McDonald's on a lunch break from teaching, I would take the time to type out all the verses that back up all I just said, but I am.... sitting in McDonald's that is.....& freezing by the way - just literally shaking from the cold. Thanks for the Wi-Fi, but could I get a little heat in here?!?!)
Anyway, remembering those things always bring me out of myself & back to the Prince of Peace & geez, aren't there just days that you want that so, so bad????
I mean, seriously, I HATE it when people tell me God is a "crutch" & again, could totally do a tangent on that one because it's one of the most ignorant things someone can say, but then, you know what? On the other hand, sometimes I guess I just NEED a "crutch", don't you?!?!?! I mean, aren't there days in your life that you just want to lean on something, someone, some "other" than yourself?!?!?! And you hardly feel like putting another foot in front of the other because it's quite possible without that "crutch" you would fall to the ground?!?!?!
I have days that like that. And a week ago, I had a few days like that. And I had to get out my "crutch" because without it I wanted to just sit & fall & wallow. And you know what, thank GOD for a "crutch"!
So in the past week, I've re-learned those 2 lessons that I should have learned awhile ago (not sure why this whole "smarts" thing keeps coming up this post, but it does....).
Yesterday helped too - Yesterday we spent an hour - yes a FULL HOUR on the phone with our Ghana program coordinator from Dillon. First off I would just like to say, God bless GameCube & "screen time" as we call it which kept my kids distracted enough that Ryan & I could actually have an adult conversation on the phone with another adult (nearly a miracle, I'm telling you....). Second, God bless Dillon International & our coordinator. LOVE, LOVE this agency & her!! I cannot tell you how many times I think this - in a country without "rules & regulations" & where you get to choose whether you will live a life of integrity or deceit, they are doing things RIGHT & we are beyond grateful for that!! It's why leaving our agency will be the LAST RESORT for us.
(OK - side note - I have decided that McDonald's is blowing cold air in here to get us to by their coffee. Which is so underhanded..... but it is SO working!!!)
So, our coordinator spends an hour talking to us about the state of international adoption in Ghana. Things are tough right now, yes, but they are tough everywhere... & doors are not shutting in Ghana right now... YET. Will it happen? Maybe.... Will it happen in the next year? Maybe, but it's not looking that way right now. Is Ghana a program for older kids right now? YES - really always has been. BUT - Is a 3 year old considered an older kid? YES.
Another God thing that happened was yesterday I had to make a quick run to Wal-Mart & I truly believe it was NOT a coincidence that I ran into our friend from church who is also in the process of adopting from Ghana (with another agency). She is a bit more adoption-experienced than we are, so she said to make sure we asked our coordinator about the other 2 families ahead of us on the referral list (remember we are number 3). I never would have thought to ask this & guess what?? The other 2 families ahead of us are looking for older children (5 & up) & one of them really prefers a girl..... Do you know what this means???? This means that the next 3 year old boy that comes up could very likely end up being referred to us! And the likelihood that it will happen within the next 12 months isn't that crazy to imagine......
And I type this long post, shaking like a leaf in McDonalds, not as just a reminder on this crazy journey, but to encourage you that God is working - He is always working!! In fact (as my small group study reminded me last week) in Isaiah, it says He is actually sitting on His Throne working.... He is not wringing His hands in worry; He is not pacing wondering what to do next; He doesn't have His finger to His head trying to come up with a new plan because international adoption is slowing down. HE IS WORKING! And He is working for my good & His glory..... And He is working because He loves me.
Wow..... I am so grateful..... and also so cold, so very, very cold...
So, here's the 2 things I was reminded of after I wrote the "Words" post....
First, I do & feel SO much better when I actually learn to express my feelings - whether verbally or writtenly.... (and yes, spell check, I again realize that is not a word, but this is where my smarts are again showing - I cannot think of how else to say that word....if someone has an idea, feel free to let me know - in a kind way please & thank you!).... Anyway, this was a lesson I started learning a little over a year ago - for some reason in the past it was working for me just to bottle up & not talk about my own feelings, to just "power through", but I think in anyone's life that is only going to work for so long.... For me, it fell apart having my littlest- things weren't going so well during that pregnancy & after, & I finally learned that if I told my hubby how I was really feeling, I felt better (& our marriage got better too - added BONUS!)....
Second, I did some major talking to the Lord. This is another thing I have had to grow in - I've always loved to read my Bible - I mean I go through ups & downs of actually taking the time to do it, but once I start back up again, I actually just crave reading it & learning from it (see? I do have a bit of smarts about me!). But to take the time to be still? to not only talk to the Lord but to be still before Him? Well, that's a toughie for me... But I took some time to do that - to quiet myself before Him & to just tell Him little things like:
"I trust you." ......
"I know you love me."....
"I know you have a special place in your heart for orphans & you honor the requests of those who want to give them forever families."......
"I know you know the desires of our family's heart.".......
(And if I wasn't sitting in McDonald's on a lunch break from teaching, I would take the time to type out all the verses that back up all I just said, but I am.... sitting in McDonald's that is.....& freezing by the way - just literally shaking from the cold. Thanks for the Wi-Fi, but could I get a little heat in here?!?!)
Anyway, remembering those things always bring me out of myself & back to the Prince of Peace & geez, aren't there just days that you want that so, so bad????
I mean, seriously, I HATE it when people tell me God is a "crutch" & again, could totally do a tangent on that one because it's one of the most ignorant things someone can say, but then, you know what? On the other hand, sometimes I guess I just NEED a "crutch", don't you?!?!?! I mean, aren't there days in your life that you just want to lean on something, someone, some "other" than yourself?!?!?! And you hardly feel like putting another foot in front of the other because it's quite possible without that "crutch" you would fall to the ground?!?!?!
I have days that like that. And a week ago, I had a few days like that. And I had to get out my "crutch" because without it I wanted to just sit & fall & wallow. And you know what, thank GOD for a "crutch"!
So in the past week, I've re-learned those 2 lessons that I should have learned awhile ago (not sure why this whole "smarts" thing keeps coming up this post, but it does....).
Yesterday helped too - Yesterday we spent an hour - yes a FULL HOUR on the phone with our Ghana program coordinator from Dillon. First off I would just like to say, God bless GameCube & "screen time" as we call it which kept my kids distracted enough that Ryan & I could actually have an adult conversation on the phone with another adult (nearly a miracle, I'm telling you....). Second, God bless Dillon International & our coordinator. LOVE, LOVE this agency & her!! I cannot tell you how many times I think this - in a country without "rules & regulations" & where you get to choose whether you will live a life of integrity or deceit, they are doing things RIGHT & we are beyond grateful for that!! It's why leaving our agency will be the LAST RESORT for us.
(OK - side note - I have decided that McDonald's is blowing cold air in here to get us to by their coffee. Which is so underhanded..... but it is SO working!!!)
So, our coordinator spends an hour talking to us about the state of international adoption in Ghana. Things are tough right now, yes, but they are tough everywhere... & doors are not shutting in Ghana right now... YET. Will it happen? Maybe.... Will it happen in the next year? Maybe, but it's not looking that way right now. Is Ghana a program for older kids right now? YES - really always has been. BUT - Is a 3 year old considered an older kid? YES.
Another God thing that happened was yesterday I had to make a quick run to Wal-Mart & I truly believe it was NOT a coincidence that I ran into our friend from church who is also in the process of adopting from Ghana (with another agency). She is a bit more adoption-experienced than we are, so she said to make sure we asked our coordinator about the other 2 families ahead of us on the referral list (remember we are number 3). I never would have thought to ask this & guess what?? The other 2 families ahead of us are looking for older children (5 & up) & one of them really prefers a girl..... Do you know what this means???? This means that the next 3 year old boy that comes up could very likely end up being referred to us! And the likelihood that it will happen within the next 12 months isn't that crazy to imagine......
And I type this long post, shaking like a leaf in McDonalds, not as just a reminder on this crazy journey, but to encourage you that God is working - He is always working!! In fact (as my small group study reminded me last week) in Isaiah, it says He is actually sitting on His Throne working.... He is not wringing His hands in worry; He is not pacing wondering what to do next; He doesn't have His finger to His head trying to come up with a new plan because international adoption is slowing down. HE IS WORKING! And He is working for my good & His glory..... And He is working because He loves me.
Wow..... I am so grateful..... and also so cold, so very, very cold...
Monday, January 28, 2013
Why I hope my kids grow up to be Ugly Nerds....
Ok, confession time...
Most days I pray that my kids grow up to be ugly.... or nerds.... or even better.... ugly nerds.
Before you decide I'm an awful mother, unfit for adopting another child, hang with me....
Many moms wish for the popular thing for their kids. And let's be honest, they aren't even wishing for the "I hope my kid is well-liked by all" type of popular. They are secretly hoping their kids make the "popular group" system that is found in every school, every age, and every class (this means they hope this in their mind, but don't say it out loud). And, let's be even more honest.... hate to break it to you moms.... but.... it's not that much of a secret. We all see you & we all get it. You are grooming your kid for popularity. It's not just an "I hope she has on the cutest clothes" or "I just want him to have the cutest haircut" anymore - - it's more like "I put her in both dance & cheerleading at 5 so she is in all the right things to 'succeed'" (& here, I'm starting to question your definition of success because is learning a victory chant to a cheer really the most successful thing you could do for your kid??) or it's like "We are discouraging his interest in playing the trombone & hoping he starts getting the hang of basketball, third try around...." (Let's just call it what it is... you think marching band is for "geeks" so you want to foster his other "gifts".) Yep, those are the "many moms" that I'm talking about - "whatever we can do to prep him for popularity, let's make sure we do it" moms....(incidentally, I have nothing against dance, cheerleading, basketball, instruments or anything else of the sort!!)
There's another group of many moms.... These are the ones who wish for the "most beautiful" for their kids... To be fair, we as parents are automatically conditioned for this at the get-go. Consider how many babies are termed "The Most Beautiful Baby in the World" just minutes after birth. Never mind that they are covered in fuzz.... Never mind that they have a wax coating on top of that fuzz... Never mind that they are red & screaming with an incredibly angry look of despair on their face... Never mind that their heads are shaped like cones.... they are "Truly the most beautiful baby I have seen in a long, long time... maybe even ever....and to think they are mine! Isn't it amazing???"
(And just so we are all clear, I should know all about these things because, you guessed it - I have birthed the 3 most beautiful babies this world has ever seen.... )
But this is going beyond - "you're so beautiful because you are my child" type of thing... This is the "What can I do to insure you are the most beautiful when compared to all the other children" type of thing....It's beyond cute clothes, cute hair - it's make-up at age 7, it's lifting weights at age 8, it's encouraging a boob job or a nose job or whatever else as a 16th birthday gift because if you only had that, then you, dear child, will have arrived at the "Most Beautiful" status where all the boys want you & all the girls want to BE you....
And while it's true that I perhaps exaggerated at parts of those examples, the majority of those examples are all very, very sadly, true.
Which leads me to my hope for ugly nerds.
I work in junior high & senior high schools now. I'm an RN with her BSN working as a nurse educator for the WPC talking in the schools about HPV & other STDs... (No, seriously, I am...)
So, I work with teens a lot & try to keep up with teen talk, which generally goes okay because I'm learning that they actually WANT to talk about this stuff with someone who won't get all uptight on them & will just listen & care.... But I digress...
The fact of the matter is that the more research I do for my job & the more I find out about what teens are facing now-a-days (yes, even when compared to the little over 10 years since I was a teen... did I say 10???? I'm sure I just meant 5..... yes, 5, I'm positive.... ), the more I realize that I'd rather my kids just be ugly nerds. I just think it's easier all the way around....
Okay, truthfully, I DO want them to be beautiful. But the whole mom thing means I reserve the right to always think they are beautiful, even when, as one 7th grade student told me today, "volcanoes erupt" on their face.... bless his dear face... (did I say face? I meant his heart, yes, his dear heart.....poor kid). And when I watch teens at school sometimes I think, I truly think, the pretty ones always have a much harder time.... harder to remember what's important & what matters.... harder to fend off the grabs & jabs of the guys who are still really maturing (that's a nice way to put it, isn't it??).
And, truthfully, I DO want them to be popular. At least in terms of what being popular really means - I want them to be well-liked by the jocks, the bandies, the singers, the honors kids, the losers - by ALL the kids.... BUT (& it's a big BUT) I don't want them to be well-liked because they fit into any of those things....because in the end, how much do those things matter??? I mean, really matter??? Are we defined by those things??? Sometimes what I just want to share with the teens I teach is that what you DO does NOT define you, it's who you ARE that defines you! In other words, it will ALWAYS be more important to figure out the BEING rather than the doing.... The doing comes. In fact, you have years ahead for doing, but if you don't figure out who you are - well, that's when you end up in trouble....So if you're doing to DO, then make sure you are learning to BE at the same time.
So, see, sometimes it feels like just having ugly nerds would be a lot easier!!
Anyway, at the end of it all, these are my dreams for my kids - not to be the most popular but to treat everyone justly & fairly.... to have wisdom about what is right & wrong & good & bad (because there IS such a thing as all 4 of those....).
These are my dreams for my kids - not to be the prettiest, but to love kindness & mercy..... to show compassion to everyone, but especially those who hurt, who are outcast, who are having a bad day or don't feel like they fit in because of the volcanoes on their face, their frizzy hair, the glasses on their face, their awkward 2 left feet or whatever else makes them feel "out" (& especially the kid who has all 4 of those!!!!)
These are my dreams for my kids - not to chase after things that are temporary & don't last but to be
humble... to consider others better than themselves & to therefore show respect & honor to everyone regardless of color, class, or any other way we try to segregate each other.
And if it turns out they are ugly nerds in the process, well, maybe it will protect them a bit along the way, and for sure... well, for sure, they will always be MY ugly nerds.
Most days I pray that my kids grow up to be ugly.... or nerds.... or even better.... ugly nerds.
Before you decide I'm an awful mother, unfit for adopting another child, hang with me....
Many moms wish for the popular thing for their kids. And let's be honest, they aren't even wishing for the "I hope my kid is well-liked by all" type of popular. They are secretly hoping their kids make the "popular group" system that is found in every school, every age, and every class (this means they hope this in their mind, but don't say it out loud). And, let's be even more honest.... hate to break it to you moms.... but.... it's not that much of a secret. We all see you & we all get it. You are grooming your kid for popularity. It's not just an "I hope she has on the cutest clothes" or "I just want him to have the cutest haircut" anymore - - it's more like "I put her in both dance & cheerleading at 5 so she is in all the right things to 'succeed'" (& here, I'm starting to question your definition of success because is learning a victory chant to a cheer really the most successful thing you could do for your kid??) or it's like "We are discouraging his interest in playing the trombone & hoping he starts getting the hang of basketball, third try around...." (Let's just call it what it is... you think marching band is for "geeks" so you want to foster his other "gifts".) Yep, those are the "many moms" that I'm talking about - "whatever we can do to prep him for popularity, let's make sure we do it" moms....(incidentally, I have nothing against dance, cheerleading, basketball, instruments or anything else of the sort!!)
There's another group of many moms.... These are the ones who wish for the "most beautiful" for their kids... To be fair, we as parents are automatically conditioned for this at the get-go. Consider how many babies are termed "The Most Beautiful Baby in the World" just minutes after birth. Never mind that they are covered in fuzz.... Never mind that they have a wax coating on top of that fuzz... Never mind that they are red & screaming with an incredibly angry look of despair on their face... Never mind that their heads are shaped like cones.... they are "Truly the most beautiful baby I have seen in a long, long time... maybe even ever....and to think they are mine! Isn't it amazing???"
(And just so we are all clear, I should know all about these things because, you guessed it - I have birthed the 3 most beautiful babies this world has ever seen.... )
But this is going beyond - "you're so beautiful because you are my child" type of thing... This is the "What can I do to insure you are the most beautiful when compared to all the other children" type of thing....It's beyond cute clothes, cute hair - it's make-up at age 7, it's lifting weights at age 8, it's encouraging a boob job or a nose job or whatever else as a 16th birthday gift because if you only had that, then you, dear child, will have arrived at the "Most Beautiful" status where all the boys want you & all the girls want to BE you....
And while it's true that I perhaps exaggerated at parts of those examples, the majority of those examples are all very, very sadly, true.
Which leads me to my hope for ugly nerds.
I work in junior high & senior high schools now. I'm an RN with her BSN working as a nurse educator for the WPC talking in the schools about HPV & other STDs... (No, seriously, I am...)
So, I work with teens a lot & try to keep up with teen talk, which generally goes okay because I'm learning that they actually WANT to talk about this stuff with someone who won't get all uptight on them & will just listen & care.... But I digress...
The fact of the matter is that the more research I do for my job & the more I find out about what teens are facing now-a-days (yes, even when compared to the little over 10 years since I was a teen... did I say 10???? I'm sure I just meant 5..... yes, 5, I'm positive.... ), the more I realize that I'd rather my kids just be ugly nerds. I just think it's easier all the way around....
Okay, truthfully, I DO want them to be beautiful. But the whole mom thing means I reserve the right to always think they are beautiful, even when, as one 7th grade student told me today, "volcanoes erupt" on their face.... bless his dear face... (did I say face? I meant his heart, yes, his dear heart.....poor kid). And when I watch teens at school sometimes I think, I truly think, the pretty ones always have a much harder time.... harder to remember what's important & what matters.... harder to fend off the grabs & jabs of the guys who are still really maturing (that's a nice way to put it, isn't it??).
And, truthfully, I DO want them to be popular. At least in terms of what being popular really means - I want them to be well-liked by the jocks, the bandies, the singers, the honors kids, the losers - by ALL the kids.... BUT (& it's a big BUT) I don't want them to be well-liked because they fit into any of those things....because in the end, how much do those things matter??? I mean, really matter??? Are we defined by those things??? Sometimes what I just want to share with the teens I teach is that what you DO does NOT define you, it's who you ARE that defines you! In other words, it will ALWAYS be more important to figure out the BEING rather than the doing.... The doing comes. In fact, you have years ahead for doing, but if you don't figure out who you are - well, that's when you end up in trouble....So if you're doing to DO, then make sure you are learning to BE at the same time.
So, see, sometimes it feels like just having ugly nerds would be a lot easier!!
Anyway, at the end of it all, these are my dreams for my kids - not to be the most popular but to treat everyone justly & fairly.... to have wisdom about what is right & wrong & good & bad (because there IS such a thing as all 4 of those....).
These are my dreams for my kids - not to be the prettiest, but to love kindness & mercy..... to show compassion to everyone, but especially those who hurt, who are outcast, who are having a bad day or don't feel like they fit in because of the volcanoes on their face, their frizzy hair, the glasses on their face, their awkward 2 left feet or whatever else makes them feel "out" (& especially the kid who has all 4 of those!!!!)
These are my dreams for my kids - not to chase after things that are temporary & don't last but to be
humble... to consider others better than themselves & to therefore show respect & honor to everyone regardless of color, class, or any other way we try to segregate each other.
And if it turns out they are ugly nerds in the process, well, maybe it will protect them a bit along the way, and for sure... well, for sure, they will always be MY ugly nerds.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Words....
I'm a talker.... always have been...
I'm the type who has had to grow in learning the power of words - not that I don't use them, more that I do, & I want to be aware of the strength & effect those words have on others.
I tend to be an encourager, a "rock" as my college roommate used to call me (good things when you want to be a nurse....).... WAY better at dealing with others emotions & issues than my own - when it comes to my own, words seem to leave me....
And here's the thing about right now & how I'm feeling adoption-wise ...
I'm a mess.
Like truly, can't-form-words, mess....
I'm struggling to explain how I'm really feeling & it's partly because I'm struggling to figure it out myself. And perhaps, it's just that I'm a woman & we get emotional without knowing why sometimes (I know this was a big shock to all the men out there, so I'll give you a moment to get yourself back together.....AND......... moment's over.....)
But I'm starting to wonder if it's just part of this adoption journey & quite possibly I'm on the downward fall of the roller coaster.....
All along I've shared that Ghana is starting to slow down. Our hope had been that we would plug in to Ghana before it REALLY slowed down & for awhile, it seemed like that was happening - we were just ahead of the curve, so to speak.... But then the past 3 months as we've gotten letters from our agency, that curve has unfortunately been catching up to us.... The referral that was 6-9 months away became 9-12 & as of this past Friday, the referral that was 9-12 months away became 12 + months.... Worse than that was the news that our preferred age is not even a likely option for Ghana right now (a change since we started). As I type this, I am still processing all of this information - which means that it's still very raw to read, let alone type & I am literally shaking right now......
I'm not sure what it even means for us. Do we continue on with Ghana? Do we need to change countries? Do we need to change agencies? Do we need to change our age? Do we continue to dump money into something that isn't possible, let alone probable?
This is the scary part of adoption for people like me (read, Type A....).
I don't like the not-knowing. I don't like the no-control.... In fact, let's re-word those last sentences because I was WAY too nice there....
I HATE THE NOT KNOWING!!!!!!! I HATE THE NO CONTROL!!!!
(& Yes, that's how I really feel!)
It goes against so much of what I am & it truly is like a war inside of me....
I spent the weekend preparing for a big party at our house. And to all of those who came & will read this, I really did have fun & I really did enjoy having you here :o) .... BUT I have to be honest here as I keep this record of our journey...... As I cleaned my house & all our African trinkets & memories & pictures we have collected from trips there, silent tears were pouring down my face and it was all I could do not to burst into tears....
And when my son showed me his paper on Martin Luther King Jr. that compared his own life to MLK's & he wrote down that he has "2 sisters & 1 brother" & I tear up & think, "Really? You do? He's that much a part of you already that he's a brother???"
And when my kids start talking Friday night about getting married someday & how they plan to have one or 2 kids, but then to adopt like 2 or 3 more from a place where there are a lot of kids who don't have families, I cry & think "I'm proud of you, really I am, but because of all that is happening with international adoption, you may not even get that chance.... So someday you may WANT, really WANT to adopt a child to add to your family, but unless you adopt a newborn from the United States who has a mom who is absolutely sure she wants to give her child up for adoption & not just abort instead, you probably won't get that chance....."
So when you ask me how it's going & my eyes get red-rimmed as I tell you we are waiting & that the "plan" was to be half-way through by now, but it looks like we may be just at the beginning....
Well, ladies & gentlemen, this is how I'm really feeling....
discouraged, check....
frustrated, check....
disappointed, check....
confused, check....
angry, check....
heartbroken, check.....
And to be fair- we haven't even hit what could be the hard stuff yet. As I type this, there are families who are SO CLOSE to having their children from Ghana and are running into MAJOR problems - not just "I'm so sad our wait is getting longer" problems, but more like "We can't finalize the paperwork to bring our son home" kind-of problems...There are families who have been waiting over 3 years just for a referral - they have a child in their heart & for 3 years they have no idea who that child is - it's maddening to even think about...
But for right now, this is how I'm feeling.... this is where I'm at.... and this was my best attempt at putting words to my feelings.
I'm the type who has had to grow in learning the power of words - not that I don't use them, more that I do, & I want to be aware of the strength & effect those words have on others.
I tend to be an encourager, a "rock" as my college roommate used to call me (good things when you want to be a nurse....).... WAY better at dealing with others emotions & issues than my own - when it comes to my own, words seem to leave me....
And here's the thing about right now & how I'm feeling adoption-wise ...
I'm a mess.
Like truly, can't-form-words, mess....
I'm struggling to explain how I'm really feeling & it's partly because I'm struggling to figure it out myself. And perhaps, it's just that I'm a woman & we get emotional without knowing why sometimes (I know this was a big shock to all the men out there, so I'll give you a moment to get yourself back together.....AND......... moment's over.....)
But I'm starting to wonder if it's just part of this adoption journey & quite possibly I'm on the downward fall of the roller coaster.....
All along I've shared that Ghana is starting to slow down. Our hope had been that we would plug in to Ghana before it REALLY slowed down & for awhile, it seemed like that was happening - we were just ahead of the curve, so to speak.... But then the past 3 months as we've gotten letters from our agency, that curve has unfortunately been catching up to us.... The referral that was 6-9 months away became 9-12 & as of this past Friday, the referral that was 9-12 months away became 12 + months.... Worse than that was the news that our preferred age is not even a likely option for Ghana right now (a change since we started). As I type this, I am still processing all of this information - which means that it's still very raw to read, let alone type & I am literally shaking right now......
I'm not sure what it even means for us. Do we continue on with Ghana? Do we need to change countries? Do we need to change agencies? Do we need to change our age? Do we continue to dump money into something that isn't possible, let alone probable?
This is the scary part of adoption for people like me (read, Type A....).
I don't like the not-knowing. I don't like the no-control.... In fact, let's re-word those last sentences because I was WAY too nice there....
I HATE THE NOT KNOWING!!!!!!! I HATE THE NO CONTROL!!!!
(& Yes, that's how I really feel!)
It goes against so much of what I am & it truly is like a war inside of me....
I spent the weekend preparing for a big party at our house. And to all of those who came & will read this, I really did have fun & I really did enjoy having you here :o) .... BUT I have to be honest here as I keep this record of our journey...... As I cleaned my house & all our African trinkets & memories & pictures we have collected from trips there, silent tears were pouring down my face and it was all I could do not to burst into tears....
And when my son showed me his paper on Martin Luther King Jr. that compared his own life to MLK's & he wrote down that he has "2 sisters & 1 brother" & I tear up & think, "Really? You do? He's that much a part of you already that he's a brother???"
And when my kids start talking Friday night about getting married someday & how they plan to have one or 2 kids, but then to adopt like 2 or 3 more from a place where there are a lot of kids who don't have families, I cry & think "I'm proud of you, really I am, but because of all that is happening with international adoption, you may not even get that chance.... So someday you may WANT, really WANT to adopt a child to add to your family, but unless you adopt a newborn from the United States who has a mom who is absolutely sure she wants to give her child up for adoption & not just abort instead, you probably won't get that chance....."
So when you ask me how it's going & my eyes get red-rimmed as I tell you we are waiting & that the "plan" was to be half-way through by now, but it looks like we may be just at the beginning....
Well, ladies & gentlemen, this is how I'm really feeling....
discouraged, check....
frustrated, check....
disappointed, check....
confused, check....
angry, check....
heartbroken, check.....
And to be fair- we haven't even hit what could be the hard stuff yet. As I type this, there are families who are SO CLOSE to having their children from Ghana and are running into MAJOR problems - not just "I'm so sad our wait is getting longer" problems, but more like "We can't finalize the paperwork to bring our son home" kind-of problems...There are families who have been waiting over 3 years just for a referral - they have a child in their heart & for 3 years they have no idea who that child is - it's maddening to even think about...
But for right now, this is how I'm feeling.... this is where I'm at.... and this was my best attempt at putting words to my feelings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)