When it feels like God plays Hide & Seek....

Since my last post, I've been doing some major "soul-searching" if you will.  It's been the nitty-gritty kind that hurts quite a bit & takes awhile to recover from.  It's also the kind that you hope you never really recover from.  Does that make sense?  The "I don't want to go back to being who I was before" kind-of soul-searching.  In fact, there are days when I go back to feeling "myself" & it scares the heck out of me so much that by the end of the day, I'm back in prayer in front of the Lord begging for Him to do what it takes to keep Him in front of me.

Regarding the adoption or perhaps the not-adoption, almost 2 weeks ago I was literally on my knees with my hands stretched out before me in a visual surrender to the Lord & reminder to myself that I cannot carry it any longer.  I can't take the pain of the wait.  I can't take the disappointment of the multiple "No"s.  At the time I couldn't even figure out if I could handle the possibility of the "Yes".  It was consuming me & leaving little room for anything else of value.  So I told the Lord all of those things, & then I just said out loud (because sometimes you have to put the verbal with the visual) "I surrender".  And I said it over & over.  I said every possible little thing that I was surrendering - the wait, the hurt, the confusion... and I very literally laid it down. I can tell you today that I haven't gone back.  There is a cloudiness over it all right now & I am so very, very okay with it.  The exhaustion of it all is gone & now while there remains a huge question mark, a big maybe, it's not weighing me down anymore.  And it feels like when you step into that warm bath after a long day.  Or big powerful hands finally eat away at the knot at the back of your neck & you can finally truly relax your shoulder muscles.  Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.......

Right around that time I took a good look at Psalm 9 because I have been studying in Scripture how to rest in the refuge of God as my stronghold instead of the various other alcoves I find myself sitting in.... And I realized that for so very long I have thought I have have to run to God & play a game of "Hide & Seek".  Do you do that????  Do you realize you do that???   You are together & talking & then you decide to go about life, count to 10 so to speak, & then time's up and I start frantically seeking.  And it's almost like I get to these points in life where I'm running around going "Okay God, I counted to 10!  You can come out now!!"  or "Hey God, where are you????  I already checked all the hiding spots.  I can't find you so come on out!  God - can't you hear me? I'm seeking!!!"   

Do you hear the fallacy in that?!?!  It's not only so wrong, it's so so exhausting.  So what is the seeking He wants? ("And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."  Psalm 9:10)

THE SEEKING IS NOT BECAUSE HE IS LOST.....

The idea that I lost Him or that somehow He went & hid from me is completely opposite who He is.  

God repeatedly tells us in Scripture:

"I am here."

"I will not leave you alone."

"I will not forsake you."

How many times does He have to say it for us to believe it?!?!?  Not just a "Yes, yes, He's always with me" kind-of believe it, but a "I lean on the truth that God is with me", look-at-my-life-differently belief.  

THE SEEKING IS OPENING OUR EYES TO WHAT WAS ALREADY FOUND....

And so if God isn't some "hidden" thing that I'm constantly trying to find, doesn't it just become so so much easier?? 

It becomes the simple:

-a few quiet minutes spent listening & acknowledging His presence ("Beloved, I'm here")

-an eye-opening point in time to realize something bigger than self is happening all around me ("Beloved, I'm here.")

-a gratefulness that extends even to the hard ("Beloved, I'm here")

-a resting place that is deeper & safer that anywhere else ("Beloved, I'm here")

And every bit of it, every little bit of it, becomes a moment for me to listen to Him say "Beloved, I'm here"

So take a big sigh of relief with me.  

Beloved, He's already here.  

Oceans...

Have you heard this yet??  I am SO there.... (Click on the purple link to listen in... And spend it in quiet listening.  The lyrics are fantastic & put to music - it will take you to a good place, I promise...)

Oceans by Hillsong

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Choosing...

If you used to read our blog, then you may have noticed a conspicuous absence on here about our own adoption journey lately.  It was a purposeful effort on my part to keep things that were happening confidential.  This was hard for me as I tend to be a "let's lay it all out on the table" kind-of person... but sometimes you have to & this was one of those times. 
It's funny because for months our lives have been twisted & turned, and I thought I'd be able to just sit down & pour it out on here but I still find myself hesitating today over a week later from the outcome.  I think it's evidence of how difficult it has all been... 
But in an effort to chronicle this now nearly 2 year journey I am compelled to write it down.  To write out even the hard... with a hope that someday it will be something different. 
Last summer we were told about a little boy currently in the foster system who was very likely going to be needing an adoptive home.  Having been through this early on in our adoption journey we said we would think about it, all the while not imagining it would get too far.  But around late August/beginning of September things got a lot more real.  DCFS was recommending that rights be terminated & again the foster family wondered how serious we really were about pursuing T (& yes, his name did start with a T - just like our 3 other kiddos!). 
And here's a place I can be really honest - this was a scary part of the past few months.  The reality of the choice we were presented was enormous.  It wasn't just an abstract "child" anymore, but a strong likelihood that this could happen.  And so we would look at T & wonder "Is this what it's like? To look at the face of an adorable toddler who has not been birthed from your body but who you take into your home & allow love to grow??"  And then beyond that we would pray "Foster care?  Really?!?!?!"  The very idea of foster care felt scary - really, really scary.  In this case we knew what kind of trauma T had been through as a very young infant & it was significant.  When you start into adoption, you understand that most likely you will have a child with some type of delay, but that real possibility of dealing with developmental delay at some point in his life felt daunting at times.   In fact, towards the end of figuring all this out I wrote "Doing Hard" (you can click on that title to go directly to that post) so I could remember that dealing with the hard cannot be what defines doing (or NOT doing) something good. 
In the midst of all those questions as we prayed & talked we just knew.  We knew God was doing something.  In fact I started a Word document so I could remember & just today I looked at the 9 reasons that I had down by the end of October that confirmed to us that God was weaving our lives together at this point.  I can't post them all (again because of confidentiality) but we clearly saw it so much so that by the 3rd week of November we decided to choose T.  The hard part was we were 2 months from the January 17th hearing that would decide if he was even "choose-able" (it would let us know if rights were terminated or not.  If terminated we would start the foster-to-adopt process & transfer him into our home as soon as possible.)  But I'm getting ahead of myself...
We never anticipated the "choosing" process for us to come before the hearing.  We thought we would just wait, see what would come of the hearing & then decide if we would for sure pursue adopting him or not.  But then November 12th came.  As I sat in the waiting room of a local hospital waiting to welcome my newest nephew into the world, Ryan called me.  "Did you see the email?"  It's funny because even as I said "No I haven't", I knew what that email was.   It was the one we had waited nearly 2 years for.  It was a referral from Ethiopia. 
To say we were stunned is an understatement.  There was this ecstatic feeling of  "It's here!!" followed by a punch in the gut of "Now??"  We knew we were getting close but according to the "timeline" we still had a few months of waiting which fell right in line with waiting to see what would happen with T.  But now we had 2 children to choose between & truly how do you choose???  We had one week to make a decision so we prayed, talked, prayed... prayed, talked, prayed & by Wed night I cried to Ryan yet again -" How?? How do you choose??" 
Ryan finally said "I think we have to ask ourselves if we can say no to T.  Because accepting the referral from Ethiopia would be saying no to him & if we can't, then we need to say no to the referral knowing another one will someday come."  And so he said "Can you say no to T?" & I couldn't... And I asked him "Can YOU say no to T?" & he couldn't... And that was the night we choose T all over again.  Knowing he really wasn't ours yet to choose... 
Remember when I talked in a previous post about grieving losses?  This one - the choice to let go of a referral from Ethiopia - was a hard one to grieve - to let go of what you had waited to get for so long.... It takes longer to grieve something like that.  And so it took me awhile & it's one of those things I could stay in if I let myself, but I had to choose to get out of the grief at some point.  To lift my eyes higher than the loss. 
But all the while, truly we had peace.  This sense that we had honored the Lord in our choice.  A sense that no matter what happened on Jan. 17th we had made the best choice we could. 
But Jan. 17th loomed.  And all through the holidays it felt like we were simply counting down to that date.  In fact, on Dec. 27th we heard about a small group of Ethiopian officials trying to spur on an effort to close adoption in that country.  It felt sickening to think we had perhaps passed on our one opportunity, but we had to trust in our choice so we prayed & waited...
And the week before the hearing we heard that T's caseworker had now changed her mind &, despite DCFS's recommendation, she was now recommending a goal of reunification (in other words, giving the mom more time).  It was another blow - a BIG one, & I knew then that this "likelihood" of our family growing in this new year of 2014 was becoming dimmer.  I had to go back again to what I knew when we made the choice.  That God was doing something - not that we were going to get a glimpse of the something, but that He was doing it nonetheless....
Sure enough, Jan. 17th came, & the choice to foster-to-adopt T was not given to us.  And really all I can say about that is this - The foster program is just as broken as IA.  Sooooo not perfect...  And chance upon chance will be given to birth parents because as we all know you can always say whatever you want to say & saying that "I love him" seems quite often to be all that is needed to keep a child.  Never mind that quite often the "I love him" isn't backed up by the doing. 
So here we are, 2 years into an adoption that has not gotten us far & certainly not brought a child into our home.  And while we are top of the list for Ethiopia still if another referral comes (the fact that Ethiopia has become more unstable will have to be for another post), we feel really, really beat down by not only the lack of progress, but the whole "system" entirely. 
So really I sit here & think making choices are tough.  You do the best based on the information you are receiving but you're not always guaranteed the end result.  Regardless, the choices need to be made.  And if I'm super honest, here are the choices I'm having to make right now:
"Get Going"
Don't let yourself be bogged down by the confusion, the blindness, the uncertainty, the frustration of it all.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 
"Keep Loving"
Don't let yourself get so wrapped up in the injustice & in self-pity that you forget what is right in front of you.  3 beautiful children.  Parents, Grandparents, Sisters, Brothers, Nieces, Nephews...  Friends willing to support us.  For some reason I think that they will get so weary along with us that they will like us want to give up on it all - give up even on us, but I have to tell myself that loving them in all of their good & all of their mess is all I can do. 
2 choices really easy to name, but again in my honesty & vulnerability, 2 choices that are really difficult to do at this time.  Pray for us, would you?? 

Another Conspiracy Theory...

On our Christmas card this year we included a beautiful quote I found by Hamilton Wright Mabie (Don't ask me who he is, just liked the quote!!
 "Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy on love."
     Don't you just love that?  My favorite part is the use of the word "conspiracy"... It makes me imagine an underground movement bent on secretly transforming the world.
     In actuality, the word itself is defined as a secret plot to do something unlawful.  At first this is a little off-putting, especially for a first-born, Type A, look like you have it together & "stay in line" kind-of-girl.
But on the other hand, it feels a little exciting & risque to be a part of it in a "I'm coming to get you" sort-of-way.
     Our nation is WAY too transfixed this holiday season with reality TV controversy, divisions that tear us apart, & definitions of self that end up limiting the whole of who we are that I think we are majorly missing out on something so fun and so incredibly sneaky about the "unlawfulness" of love.
     When God sent His Son, He sent Him to transform & to engage.  And while Scripture says He came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17),  it wasn't in the way that meet every politically & religiously correct idea that people expected & most ended up requiring to the point of death.  No, in fact, He came to break beyond the barrier of law.  Do you get how powerful this is???  In other words...
God started a big, unlawful conspiracy the night He sent His Son.
     But the word conspiracy also indicates a group of people all "in on it"; meaning it takes more than one person.  And while we can certainly say this conspiracy has grown over time, I'm not so sure that it's growing anymore.  It's like we somehow lost parts of it along the way.  I'm not sure if it's the divisiveness of the conspiracy (after all, Jesus walked into the temple & literally kicked people out who didn't have their hearts aligned with the heart of what God designed & purposed in what can be described as abrasive to say the least!!...Matthew 21:12) or if it's the extent of the conspiracy (For God so loved THE WORLD that He sent His Son!!... John 3:16), but somewhere along the way it's like we thought we have to have one or the other - either show our rebellious, divisive side or go over the top in a lovey, dovey "We Are The World" type of way.
Here's my deal:  What's so wrong about both???  I've seen it done.  It's just that it's getting kind-of rare.
    This past year, I've been praying that I would really learn how to do both really well, & it's still a big part of how I'm approaching this new year.  You see, it's not an overnight "Now I've got it!" type of thing.  It's a daily thing...And sometimes it's a "I messed up, I'm sorry" type of thing... But it's also a "get back up & try again" thing & a "live in the joy of it" type of thing.
And I for one am super excited to see what God can do with a life ready to join in on the conspiracy in 2014.

Changing Course... (kind-of)

(Below is an excerpt from a blog post I started on 7/24/13, but just now realized I never published.  As we approach yet another holiday without a firm "this is happening" in our adoption process, I'm reading it now realizing that 1) A lot of our friends in other states/countries may still not know the news below
(although I did make a mention of it in the "Open Hands" post you can read)  & 2)  It's all happening again - the changing course thing I mean (more to come on that)... & so because I want to keep our family & friends up to date & because I want to chronicle this journey, here it is...)

"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the Lord who directs his steps."
Over a year ago we started this journey, not knowing how it would go exactly, but believing we would someday walk into our local airport holding our Ghanian son.  There was no indication when we started that we would be where we are now...
Now, we find ourselves on 2 lists in 2 different countries... but let me back up...
When the director of health suspended all adoptions within Ghana there was a lot of confusion over what authority she even had over adoption.  While we still have not heard why she decided to do this exactly, we do understand the confusion of authority because we have witnessed the confusion of power in Africa in general.  And let me tell you, it can get really confusing!!!  And the truth is, if it isn't handled right, it can get really scary... Ghana has a had a relative stable history in terms of peaceful government, and while the suspension has felt frustrating, ultimately we keep praying that the underlying tension will be worked out peacefully - no matter how long it takes.
But back to the suspension because while it is out there, many regional directors are still processing adoptions, so children who were already matched are still eventually getting visas to come home.  And we have even heard of a referral since this suspension.  In the past month, there has been a slowing down - or more careful review - throughout the visa process especially, & it's been sad to watch those we "know" in the Ghana-adopt world struggle through the longer wait of these months.  And just when it feels like the wait is going to go on forever, visas get processed & children come home & it's such a cause of celebration!
And in all of this, we kept wondering what OUR place was, where OUR son was....
If you've kept up on the blog, you probably read part of our "meantime" process.  Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago we made a more final decision.  We signed on with Adoption Advocates International's Ethiopia program.  This checked all the boxes that I previously mentioned in our other posts, and in the end, though Ehtiopia had gone through a slow-down as they refined their adoption process, it has recovered well & in, what seems to be, a better place/way.  We were told that it would most likely be around 10 months (give or take) before we receive a referral.  I have to be honest though, we don't put a lot of stock into time-tables anymore.  When we started this process, it felt like we revolved around timetables- constantly asking people "How long did this part take?" "How long should we expect for that part?"  Part of our growth process has been learning to say "In Your timing Lord, not ours, not theirs, not anyone else's."   There are times that this hurts & feels really, really hard.  And to be complete honest, while I so often am shouting "Hallelujah!"s when I hear of another Ghanian orphan arriving home because it's an answer to many prayers, I fight back tears because I wish it was us.  I don't understand why we didn't start the process just a few months earlier, why we don't just up our age range & bring home an older child....  All options that would have been (or still are) available to us, but as we poured so much thought & prayer into this, this is where we felt God leading.  So here we go...
following...

(Today, 12/23/12, I'm reflecting on how much has changed.  Right now because of confidentiality reasons I can't explain much about the changes on our journey in the past month-plus... but yet so much of the above is still the same.  Still waiting.  Still perplexed as to how it will all turn out. And still following.  & so for those of you who are our praying friends, please keep praying for us - especially in the next month.  We have some big things happening regarding our adoption, & I will be anxious to share with you how God is leading when the time is right, but for now, just know we are very desperate for wisdom & guidance, and appreciate your prayers!)

Doing the Hard

I find it ironic that in life we somehow equate "easy" "normal" & "comfortable" with something or someone being "good".  Since when does that actually make sense?!?!

In fact, in terms of adoption, this notion is a stumbling block for Christians especially.  Have you heard it before?  

"Oh adoption isn't really for us.  Too many kids come out of it with issues."  

"There's no way we would ever adopt. I mean, have you SEEN the kids that are adopted?  It rarely works out good."

And I could sit here & throw the "Your bio kids have the same chance of ending up with issues" card back in their face, but in the end I think the root of it all goes much deeper than just that...

The root is about what we define as a "good kid".... 

Is a good kid the kid who easily gets through school with A's & B's???  

Is a good kid the kid who has lots of friends & is socially not considered "awkward"???

Is a good kid the kid that we don't feel "weird" around???

Is a good kid the kid that doesn't ask hard questions that we struggle to answer???

Is a good kid the kid who we don't have to talk about hard stuff with???

Is a good kid the one who turns out just like us & fits into our "box"??

How do we define good????????

Maybe I'm alone here or maybe it's just me getting older, but more & more I'm seeing that the "good" isn't always easy & hard isn't always "bad"....

It starts when you watch a bad situation in your life turn your character into something beautiful.  

It starts when you watch your friend's little son's cancer produce awe-inspiring things in the life of their family. 

It starts when you watch your mom be a caregiver all of her life to a Down Syndrome sister, a handicapped brother & a head-injury mom, and yet she still gives & gives & gives & gives.

It starts when you watch a child who, had he not been brought into a loving family, would have been stuck in an ongoing world of abuse & neglect.  Does it "save" him?  turn him "good"?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

So where does it end???

I guess I don't know.  And I'm willing to admit -  It might end in hard.  It might end in pain.... in heartache... separation... discomfort... .  

So do we all just throw our hands up & say "It's not worth it.  He didn't "turn out" good and I have hurts because of how hard it was" ??????

Man, I sure hope not.  Because if when I was hard & unloveable & living a life contrary to what my Lord wanted, He sure didn't give up on me.

It wasn't like "Well, she's good, so let's go ahead & choose to love her."  

It was more like: "Wow!  That one is a mess & when I look ahead into all the years of her life, she is still a mess who is so slow to catch onto what I'm teaching her.  I mean she is full-of-issues mess, but you know what?  I want to choose her & love her, and maybe, just maybe that love will mean more than any messed-up, issue-driven, hard that it's in her life."  

So, please people, let's stop using "hard" as an excuse.  I'm not saying everyone should adopt because Lord knows that I don't think that's the case!!  But to use "They might have issues & it might interrupt my vision of what good & happy & fun & comfort is all about."  No thanks.  

It's time to stop being afraid of the hard.  It's time to change our definition of good.  

Open Hands

I haven't written in forever.  No good excuses;  I just haven't known what to say.  I've typed a few times, ended up never really publishing every time & walked away again & again.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true.  Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months.  Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years.  With nothing to show for it except loss.  Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International.  While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana.  While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have.  Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full.  & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things?  What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts...  And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at.  Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up.  I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands.  I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.