Regarding the adoption or perhaps the not-adoption, almost 2 weeks ago I was literally on my knees with my hands stretched out before me in a visual surrender to the Lord & reminder to myself that I cannot carry it any longer. I can't take the pain of the wait. I can't take the disappointment of the multiple "No"s. At the time I couldn't even figure out if I could handle the possibility of the "Yes". It was consuming me & leaving little room for anything else of value. So I told the Lord all of those things, & then I just said out loud (because sometimes you have to put the verbal with the visual) "I surrender". And I said it over & over. I said every possible little thing that I was surrendering - the wait, the hurt, the confusion... and I very literally laid it down. I can tell you today that I haven't gone back. There is a cloudiness over it all right now & I am so very, very okay with it. The exhaustion of it all is gone & now while there remains a huge question mark, a big maybe, it's not weighing me down anymore. And it feels like when you step into that warm bath after a long day. Or big powerful hands finally eat away at the knot at the back of your neck & you can finally truly relax your shoulder muscles. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.......
Right around that time I took a good look at Psalm 9 because I have been studying in Scripture how to rest in the refuge of God as my stronghold instead of the various other alcoves I find myself sitting in.... And I realized that for so very long I have thought I have have to run to God & play a game of "Hide & Seek". Do you do that???? Do you realize you do that??? You are together & talking & then you decide to go about life, count to 10 so to speak, & then time's up and I start frantically seeking. And it's almost like I get to these points in life where I'm running around going "Okay God, I counted to 10! You can come out now!!" or "Hey God, where are you???? I already checked all the hiding spots. I can't find you so come on out! God - can't you hear me? I'm seeking!!!"
Do you hear the fallacy in that?!?! It's not only so wrong, it's so so exhausting. So what is the seeking He wants? ("And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10)
THE SEEKING IS NOT BECAUSE HE IS LOST.....
The idea that I lost Him or that somehow He went & hid from me is completely opposite who He is.
God repeatedly tells us in Scripture:
"I am here."
"I will not leave you alone."
"I will not forsake you."
How many times does He have to say it for us to believe it?!?!? Not just a "Yes, yes, He's always with me" kind-of believe it, but a "I lean on the truth that God is with me", look-at-my-life-differently belief.
THE SEEKING IS OPENING OUR EYES TO WHAT WAS ALREADY FOUND....
And so if God isn't some "hidden" thing that I'm constantly trying to find, doesn't it just become so so much easier??
It becomes the simple:
-a few quiet minutes spent listening & acknowledging His presence ("Beloved, I'm here")
-an eye-opening point in time to realize something bigger than self is happening all around me ("Beloved, I'm here.")
-a gratefulness that extends even to the hard ("Beloved, I'm here")
-a resting place that is deeper & safer that anywhere else ("Beloved, I'm here")
And every bit of it, every little bit of it, becomes a moment for me to listen to Him say "Beloved, I'm here"
So take a big sigh of relief with me.
Beloved, He's already here.
