Last First....

Well, we have officially passed the LAST First Birthday Party in our family!  It's a bittersweet moment for sure!  Hard to believe my baby girl turned one; hard to believe we made it through one of the toughest year- plus years of our marriage/family life; hard to believe we won't celebrate another first birthday with any of our children again, even our son-to-be....
During one of our adoption training seminars we learned that there is loss on all sides of the adoption spectrum.  Often we think of the loss for the birth mom & the losses for the child, but rarely had I thought about the loss for the adoptive parent until here am I, now one of those ones experiencing losses in a very real way.  I desperately wish I could be celebrating our son-to-be's first birthday with him.  To miss out on that leaves a void... when I have these recognition times, or awareness times, of a loss of not having birthed this child-to-be, of not having delivered him, of not being the one who got up in the night with him to nurse him back to sleep, of not having bonded with him from infancy.... those are the times that I just fervently pray.  "God, keep him safe... God, keep him healthy... God, be with his dear mother....God, give him love in his little life - your LOVE & others love... God, call Him by name... God, help him to grow in grace & wisdom even as an infant & toddler..." You see, the thing is, I don't know what else to do... I am utterly dependent on Him to orchestrate the events of our son's life in such a way that he is ultimately brought into our forever family.   It's a very humbling place to be in....
And now, in an abrupt switch of subjects...
So yesterday was my darling little girl's first birthday.  Her full name means "God's Instruction, God's Grace"... It was particularly chosen for her out of the months of difficulty I had in my pregnancy at the end & the couple months after that were so hard... I learned that I can't have one without the other & she is a daily reminder of that in my life.
Saturday was her birthday party & we had so, so much fun!!  I used the party as a way to not only celebrate her first year of life, but also as a way to say "Thank You" for those who selflessly gave of their time & resources to help us during those hard months.  This meant the room was FILLED to the brim with those we dearly love.  Little One was so happy to see all of those people in one room - numerous times I saw her just looking at all their faces & beaming!  She devoured her cake - It was a small 2-tier smash cake, & I literally had to pry it away from her after she had consumed half in record time!  (Perfect photo/video op right there!)
The theme of the party was "Cute as a Button".  Ryan & I always say she is our "best work". (Don't tell my other kiddos though!) :o)  She has just been the most beautiful little thing since her true birth-day!  So this theme fit her to a "T" (literally) & it was so much fun to get ready for!!  I want to share pics with you so you can see all the fun things I was able to create to help reinforce her theme!
First, the main food table - My mother-in-law helped me a lot with getting everything ready!  We had hot ham & cheddar/swiss rolls, carrots & celery with the famous "Nana's Dip", grapes & strawberries (2 of Little Ones favorite fruit!), Holland's Carmelcorn in the theme colors (Pink & Teal - Strawberry & Raspberry-flavored), Candy Buttons, & Cupcakes....

I decided to forego the sugary sodas or punch & go with good old-fashioned MILK with a twist... Have you seen these Milk Straws yet?  I found them at Wal-Mart - all kinds of flavors & only 17 calories (way better than the sugary syrup), but the light pink Strawberry straws matched so well & looked so cute in the teal Mason Jar I found at Relics...

The cupcakes were a first-time for me in a way... I am a buttercream girl at heart - always have been, always will be!  I love to decorate my cakes by piping.  I like the 3D effect & it tastes better of course!!  But I wanted to go with finger-foods for this party so I decided on cupcakes & thought it would be cute to actually "make" buttons out of fondant.  At first, this took longer than I expected & was a bit of a trial & error, but by the end I had it down & could get it done pretty fast....

A couple other pics of decor items that I made &/or borrowed (thanks Meghan for letting me use your big burlap board & lace curtains for a tablecloth - they worked perfectly!!)

I had a "Guess the Amount of Buttons in the Jar" contest & a little "craft" card table set up with plain hair clips & paperclips with ribbons attached to be used as bookmarks.  On that little table was a small glue gun & various buttons so people could make a button hairclip/bookmark to take home & hopefully remember Torah & our family with each use.
It truly was a great "Last" way to end our "First" Birthdays!!

Sonshine....

     So my Sonshine turned 7 today - 7 people!!!  It's so hard to believe that much time has passed since I carried him!  And last night he asked "How do babies get born out of their mom's body?"  We really should prepare ourselves for those ones in advance - after all, this is one nearly every kid asks, so why was I so shocked & stammering??  (BTW - that was followed up by another thought-provoking question "How many animals are in the world?"  In many ways, that one was a lot easier to answer - "I have no idea...".... And as another side note, for the first question, I went with a gentle truth - in my opinion, always better than a stork... I mean, really, a bird?!?!.....)
     I remember wanting a baby before I became pregnant with him which was kind-of a foreign thing for me.  I was never "that girl" growing up - the one who couldn't wait to be married & have kids.  Nothing wrong with "that girl", she just wasn't me (Incidently, my beautiful roommate in college was not only "that girl" but we routinely prayed that she would have quads - she got 3 gorgeous children, all separate, instead & is still incredibly grateful.... So see, I was already praying that over someone, just not myself!)  I think the change, the desire, got sparked when I transitioned from full-time PICU nurse to Peds Office Nurse.  Office means "normal", well-child, healthy, which is about as opposite as PICU as it gets.  I finally realized that it's possible to have a child that doesn't have a heart defect, doesn't have their insides all messed up & doesn't get run over by a car... (Sorry to say it so nonchalantly but that's what happens when you work ICU - a bit jaded is a nice way to put it... )
     So, I started wanting one - a normal, healthy child if possible, but I knew I would love whatever child God put in our lives (& I even would know the best doctors to help him!!).  Months later, I found out I was pregnant & carried that boy for 9 months - the last month being mainly on bedrest due to high blood pressure (that's a whole 'nother blogpost...).  And when he finally arrived - oh my word... It was like the sweetest thing - bigger & better than ANYTHING I could have imagined!  And I praised God every single day that he was healthy!!!  And I loved him fiercely!!  We named him "The Lord is Good" & I loved him for reminding me of that.... In fact, for a long time, I called him my best friend.... having a hubby who traveled for work & no immediate family in town meant a lot of togetherness & we went everywhere together & I told him just about everything!  Yes, he was just an infant, & yes, he could barely talk back, but seriously, how perfect is that?  Right, moms??
     And I can tell you that today, 7 years later, through good days, bad days & every day in between, I love that kid like no other - he is my firstborn & nearly every day I want to just squeeze him so tightly & not let go... Being a super active boy, hugs aren't high on his list of priorities unfortunately, so as he leaves for school  these days we each kiss our hands & give each other a high-5 - that has met his qualifications for acceptable lovin'.... (for now.... )  I call him Sonshine a lot because he literally brightened up my life.  He opened up a whole new world for me - that of "mother".  And he made me want to do it again, and then again, and then to open up my heart up even wider for a child who already has a birth mother, but who needs a forever mother....And every day since, I am realizing it is the MOST important job I will ever have.  And despite rarely being thanked & often feeling under appreciated, I am not only choosing to do it again, I am believing it to be the most rewarding job I will ever have as well.
  Happy Birthday Sonshine!!
"This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”   ― Jodi Picoult