who, what, where, when, WHY??

So last night was one of those moments - - the kind that every mom has, but we rarely talk about (which is a shame... but that's a whole 'nother post).  I had a bit of a breakdown.  Now I've had way, way worse - this didn't involved too many tears, but it involved a bad attitude and I admit, I was looking at things wrong;   instead of choosing thankfulness, I chose discontentment.  I was working in my kitchen & getting frustrated by the leaky faucet (it's been like that for months), the gnats flying around my head from the doors being left open by my kids, the dishes in the sink because the dishwasher hadn't been unloaded yet, the 2 loads of clean laundry yet to be folded... then I start thinking about the other 2 folded loads upstairs that need to be put away, not to mention the full hampers in all our rooms - well, you get my drift...and I'm sorry to admit that I took my bad attitude out on my husband mentioning all the things that need to get done, but don't seem to ever get done.  And in that frustration I tell him "What are we doing?  Why would we add another kid to this family?"  Which really meant (because you all know women aren't always that great at saying what they are really thinking!): "Why are we choosing to add another hamper of laundry that needs to be washed, folded, & put away and another sinkful of dishes?  Why more uncapped markers & broken crayons?  Why would we want to add to the growing stack of half-finished drawings from the kids and the scattered toys throughout the house?   Or the potential to have another child who has to go to the bathroom every 2 blocks that we walk away from our house to the point that we have to map out our walks so we go by houses we know?" (this may or may not have also happened last night...)
So, those are all valid, good questions & when people ask us "WHY?" I know those are the things they are really thinking.  But here's what happened an hour after my meltdown... I rocked my baby girl to sleep in my arms... I laid in bed with TJ 1 & TJ 2 and talked about all the fun we had that day at the zoo with our grandma & cousins, about playing outside & the good books we read that day... And I remembered as I gave them good-night hugs & kisses and walked downstairs to find the house all picked up & my husband scrubbing dishes at the sink that THESE are the better things - the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely & admirable, excellent & praiseworthy (Phillipians 4:8).  The things we desire & have committed to choosing in our lives...
So while our "Why?" entails a desire for a brother for our son, a playmate for littlest one, another son to love on for Ryan & I ... it also entails choosing the better thing.  Because there are so many children who go to bed at night & may not be able to pinpoint a highlight of their day or may not get all the snuggling & hugs & kisses that my kids are getting, and Ryan & I know that we can do that - we can provide those things for another child.  So really,  "WHY NOT?"

So excited to finally announce....

  WE ARE ADOPTING!!  Some of you probably already figured it out & some of you may be picking your jaws up off the floor, but either way - it's true! We are in the official process of adopting a little boy from Ghana, West Africa, with Dillon International Adoption Agency.  And because it's totally possible that you are asking yourself what in the world we are thinking (& if you are, don't worry, we have done it too!), let me tell you our story... (and if you know me, you know you better pull up a chair...because it's quite possible there will be a run-on sentence in this post... or more...don't judge)
  So you may or may not know that Ryan & I, but Ryan specifically, have spent a significant time of "life before marriage" (do you remember that time?  It's when you could do whatever you want, whenever you want... vaguely?  me too...) in Uganda, East Africa. In fact, we were engaged right on a beautiful beach at the edge of the Indian Ocean in Mombasa, Kenya (yep, that's the pic I posted).  What I can tell you is that God planted a desire for adoption on my heart before I even went to Africa or met Ryan in Indianapolis (or before adoption became "popular"), but even during our engagement & for years after when I would share this, Ryan just wasn't feeling it.  He felt that if you are able to have your own children, then that's what God called you to - why do more?  So fast really forward to 2009, post second child, and we both start wondering if we should go for a third or not.  At some point in there I again asked Ryan if his thoughts on adoption had changed & they hadn't; so I realized that God was asking me to lay it down, to give it to Him completely... and that's what I did.  So much so that I felt His confirmation in my heart in deciding to have another child from my own body again - which isn't my favorite thing to do truthfully.  (While I love the end-result, the pregnancy part isn't my cup of tea; little did I know, this pregnancy would be my worst one yet!!)

   So 5 months into my pregnancy (thankfully I wasn't quite yet on bedrest!), we were out to dinner & Ryan tells me he's been wondering "If 3, why not 4?  Why not make it even?"  I'm already a little shocked at this point - I mean, 4?!?!  This was never on "the agenda" when we got married - we said 2, maybe 3, but never 4!! (Pretty sure God just loves laughing when we use that word "never"...)  Anyway, the next thing out of his mouth is "And I'm thinking we should adopt." ............. (Insert stunned silence here)........... The truth is I wasn't just surprised by this announcement, I was angry!!  Here I sat, BODY stretched this way & that by another child that we had prayed for & prayed over, HEART having given up the notion of adoption because I thought that's what God was asking of me, and MIND wondering how on earth my husband came up with the idea of having more than 3 children....  Not sure what I eventually said but something that went along with the mumbling cliche "I need to pray about it" which translates into "God's going to have to move a mountain in my life to get me to agree to what you are saying".
   And so God gave me time, a lot of time actually..time to lay on my left side on the coach & just pray - to surrender not only my will, but to lay down my husband, my children, my strive for perfection & my struggle with daily failure, my earthly temptations & my "heaven is my home" desires... and it lead me to a place where I knew if God had been faithful to "move a mountain" & bring my husband to this conclusion then He would carry us through whatever else He brought our way.  I knew He had already blessed us beyond what we could ask or imagine and we both knew we were capable of providing for another child financially, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually - how could I ignore the millions of orphans who were in need of all of those very things??  

So over the next months, despite bedrest, despite a newborn & all that brings, despite my body still recovering from the pregnancy, despite adjusting to life with 3 kids, etc., we have continued to feel that pull.  It's hard to describe really unless you've been through it - almost like this "nagging thought" that there is a little boy out there who, perhaps despite not realizing it yet, is waiting for you... and kind-of like this "itching feeling" to hurry up & get there to him, whoever/wherever he is.  So months & months later, we have finally decided where to adopt from & which agency to adopt with.  This process will continue to take time, lots & lots of time; which means it will also be another "thing" in my life to strip me of my desire to control time.  (I anticipate this being one of my greatest struggles in my journey against time thus far.)  If you are looking for concrete numbers, we are most likely looking at 12-18 months until we arrive back on US soil with our new son in our arms.  (yep, I'm getting that itching feeling in my arms again just imagining that homecoming!!!)  And if you want to know what you can do during that time, you can pray - pray that God's will would be done in our family... pray that we wouldn't be afraid, but that in faith we would take a step, and another, and another...pray for the little one that is waiting - for health physically, emotionally & spiritually. 
   Well, whew... you made it to the end of my first post! Thanks for hanging in there; we appreciate all who take the time to keep up with us through this blog.  You may have a dozen questions & I hope to answer some of them during my next posts.  For now, we hope you'll join us in eagerly anticipating the arrival of the next "T" "J" Rupp!!