G.R.A.Y.

I know, it's been awhile... & it's not that adoption isn't on our hearts as fervently as it was "pre-Ghana-meltdown", it's that we are still working hard to get everything figured out... so keep hanging with us because I hope to have a more formal announcement about our new plans really soon...
In the meantime, I wanted to blog a bit about the gray issues of life - because we were faced with a lot of those lately within our adoption process, but really so many of us face them on a day by day basis...
You know what I'm talking about right?  Those decisions that aren't so black & white - no "go this way" versus "go that way".  A lot of life ends up in the gray unfortunately & we all try our darndest to make the (hopefully) best decision with the (hopefully) best results (or perhaps we don't try that hard to figure it out & don't care if it's the best decision & then most likely we don't end up with the best results... yep, we've all been there a time or two - not my best places for sure...)
  The summer after I graduated from college, I headed up to Miracle Camp as a counselor (one of the best places on Earth by far... like "You have just made it through your crazy school year, what are you going to do?!" "Go to Miracle Camp!!!" kind of place...)  So back in the day, the counselors would run these "workshops" for our high school camp week (basically a 20 minute class with some type of life skill) & a few of us got together &  decided to come up with a class to help the kids learn to think critically about all the gray issues in life.  Thus, G.R.A.Y. was born....
(And quite possibly no one remembers this class or the G.R.A.Y. tools we put together, but turns out I needed it too back then...and turns out I still need it!!)
So here's what we did back then: After naming a bunch of  "gray issues" (for example, the Bible never says "Thou shall not smoke" or "Thou shall not have sex before marriage" or "Thou shall only listen to music that says the word 'God' in it") , we talked through an acronym using the word "gray" to help figure out how to get through those issues...
G - - Go to God (Start by praying, end by praying, pretty much, pray your way through it - if you aren't asking for wisdom, you're not going to get it...)
R - - Read the Word (While, you may not find an out & out answer to your question, you can find a lot to point you in the right direction...For example, one of my favs in high school was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body.")
A - - Ask people you trust (This doesn't mean the man at the grocery store that you see once a week, (though I sure do love my produce guy at Kroger)... I'm talking about who you really respect in life, who you   really look up to in life...  It might be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a counselor or maybe the produce man happens to be your dad anyway, which is great for a number of reasons...moving on...
Y - - Here's what's really sad - I can't think of what the Y stood for.  So if anyone was in that class 12 years ago & took intricate notes & then kept those notes preserved & you happen to be reading this, let me know! (I just know so many people will be jumping at this opportunity to help me out!)  And if anyone can think of anything that even sounds remotely good, you are more than welcome to share that as well....

So that was G.R.A.Y. then... as for now -- well, now, the basic premise holds true, it's just that the issues have gotten more complex.  When I put myself back in high school, the issues I first mentioned were plenty tough to deal with (& unfortunately along my high school & college ways, I didn't always remember - or rather, chose to ignore G.R.A.Y.), but it definitely feels like the issues then were more internal, more personal - yeah, they influenced other people, but not to the extent they do now.  You factor in having kids & now it's like "We want another child but have been advised not to have one on our own - do we pursue adoption?" or "Should we adopt in country or internationally? within our own race boundaries or transracially?"  or lately, "Should we pursue an adoption in such & such country?" And then the always follow up - "And how in the world is this going to affect the 3 children we already have?????"
So we've gone through G.R.A.Y. alot during this adoption process......
And we also have had many nights, especially lately, when we have hardly slept...
But I figure no one wants to hear about how we laid in the dark for hours watching the minutes tick by so let's just end on the easier to explain G.R.A.Y. note.  You're welcome.

Becoming part of the solution...

Well, it's been a week....
I want to protect people & agencies, but this past week we had to say NO to a 3 year old in Ghana & then while trying to pursue a 5 month old in Uganda, found out that another family got matched to him first - by a matter of hours...
Whoa...
And I want to make a couple things clear in that last sentence (the one before the "Whoa" that is...)...
First, the 3 year old & the agency he was with was NOT our agency & a number of things started not sitting right with us as we found out more information (for example, & this is just the tip of the iceberg - we were first shown his picture with no information other than an approximate age.  I will explain why that didn't sit right with us in the next paragraph.)  Initially, it felt exciting, but see, international adoption can be tricky, especially in African countries where often there isn't a certain set of rules & guidelines that are to be followed.  So unfortunately, it can leave room for disturbing things such as trafficking, corruption motivated by money, & essentially actions that don't keep the best interest of the child in mind.  In other words, you can either become part of the solution to the 147 million orphans around the world (for whom international adoption is a just a part of the process of them becoming placed into families), or you can just be one who adds to the problem that is international adoption & make things slow down for everyone, harming the children along the way.... All along we have desired to become part of the solution.  We are a family who recognize our desire for another child PLUS we recognize there are millions of children around the world who desire a family.  And while that seems like an easy enough match, it doesn't always happen that easily.  So along the way we have been very committed to an ethical adoption which means we have had to move slower...which means we have to be careful to cross every "T" & dot every "I"... which means that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy in all the fact checking!!  First we check on the agency - (for example, looking for reviews from other adoptive parents, asking if the agency is doing any orphan care in country besides simply international adoption, asking about who they work with in country, their financial status as an agency, etc.).  Next we check into the orphan himself - (for example, why were they orphaned, is there anyone in the extended family who would want this child, has their been opportunity for the child to be placed with a family in country, etc.)  And then we recheck it all again.... So when we did all this to the 3 year old in Ghana basically things felt shaky & we knew we needed to say NO....
And it wasn't hard really, but it still felt really sad...  Because sometimes becoming part of the solution doesn't equal out the way you hoped it would.
The second thing I want to clear up is in regards to the little boy in Uganda - it was unique situation any way you looked at it.  And again, I have to protect him, his new family, his mother, etc. so I can't share many details, but just know that this was a rare case where an infant was available because of some very harsh circumstances.  And then once you could look past the difficult situation that orphaned him, you had to come to grips with the fact that Uganda adoption in general is risky in terms of the way it is going.  They have had a large amount of corruption & unfortunately a lot of that is also within those processing the adoptions in country.  (Plus then you hope to have a judge sensitive to international adoption & there was one there, but he was in the process of transferring out so we were going to be in a major rush to get all our paperwork transferred not to mention a major financial step.)  But through prayer, discussion & a bunch of those checks & rechecks again, we felt okay to move forward....  Just in time for another family to claim him hours before we did.
Ohhhhhh...kay...
Now one thing that helped with the hurt in the Uganda process was that we were never given his picture.  In fact I specifically requested that they NOT show us his picture.  For me that creates an emotional connection that I didn't want to have present when making this decision.  Ryan seems to be able to not get as attached, but in my opinion, especially for women, it's just part of the problem again, not part of the solution.  Once you see a picture it's hard to not immediately think you should take that child.  The hopelessness in their eyes is near unbearable to look at... But that child may not be the one who is best for your family, not to mention the checking & rechecking about his orphan status.  On the other hand, I believe that when we receive a referral & have the full story & feel more certainty with moving forward to adopt whoever that little one is- that referral picture will become one of the dearest things of our entire life.
So, that's the past week plus of our lives adoption-wise (really it started 2 weeks ago, but just ended about a week ago...)
And we're moving on... pressing on... persevering on in this journey with no end in site.  All because we hope to become part of the solution.
I guess only time will show how it all equals out!