Weary in the Waiting

 

Definition of WEARY (per Webster's Dictionary)

1

: exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness

2

: expressing or characteristic of weariness <a weary sign>

3

: having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted;

used with of <soon grew weary of waiting>

 

This is the word I've heard in my head lately & I think it accurately describes were we are at with this process.  Weary.....

I used to feel excited about it... fired up about it... frustration about it... anger over all the redtape.  I used to "feel" more about it... But now? 

Well, now I just feel weary....

The freshness gone... the vigor gone... (Check off definition 1)

& I think other people can tell right now because I see it in myself - when I look at my eyes, I SEE "weary"... (Check off definition 2)

I think the patience is still there - after all I'm holding on & hoping that someday we will be sitting outside in our yard watching while our 4 children play together around us.... 

but where I used to see that clearly, now it's feeling hazy - like a "Somewhere Out There" song-type-of-way.... Does that make sense??

And while the patience is there & I'm still "tolerating" the process.... I would definitely agree with the "having one's pleasure exhausted"  - the pleasure of the process & the whole idea of "joy in the journey" isn't quite cutting it anymore.  And there are days that we shrug & glumly wonder "if ever"....(Check off definition 3)

I wish I could even look ahead & see progress with others & think "That will be us someday!' but right now in Ghana, there isn't even that much progress in terms of referrals being handed out.  I know in my heart that because we are open to some special needs, & an "older child" (in other words, not an infant) - we technically still qualify to be with Ghana, but the "technical" doesn't always equal out to the "actual"....

So in my weariness, I'm wondering about when God shows up??  When does He come & say "Enough!  It's been long enough!"  And I look around me at others going through trials of various kinds & realize that sometimes... well, sometimes it takes a very, very long time....

So I'm taking my weariness & processing through the "Please show up!" & reminding myself of what I know - -

I know God loves us.... I know He sees us (in fact, He sees us before, now AND after).... I know He doesn't put something into our hearts only to get nothing out - He has a plan, He has a purpose.... I know that He will redeem all situations for our good & for His glory & at just the right time.... I know these things friends. 

And I am telling them to myself every day knowing that it will someday bring a renewed & refreshed spirit (Definition 1).  

 And I'm telling them to myself every day because I know that the perseverance in the weariness produces character & character produces hope, which won't put us to shame because of that love we know & have (Definition 2).
And I'm telling them to myself every day because I'm hopeful that the pleasure will also return & someday we will look back & laugh with joy of how God changed our lives (Definition 3).
And I'm asking you again to join us in this process.
I know life goes on (it's happening here too!  There are days where I have been so busy that our hope-to-be son only gets thought of & prayed for once during that day...).  I know that it's super easy to get caught up in our own family's lives & to not even have it cross your mind, let alone pray for our family.  Believe me, I get it!  But would you remember??  Would you remember that there are millions of children around the world waiting for a forever family?  And that there is a family you know who wants to be that for one of those children?  Who felt clear direction & don't want to give up on what God seemed to set in their hearts, but who feel weary & unsure & confounded, and who really are just waiting for God to show up?? 
Exodus 17:11-13 tells this story of Moses & the Israelites journey towards the promised land...

^"11 Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. ¹² But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. ¹³ And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people..."
I share that because it's a reminder to me how it took Moses doing the right thing, even in the midst of his weariness, for him to keep his hands raised.  He could have just stopped - "I'm too tired.  It's just exhausting doing what you know you're supposed to do.  I know we've made it this far guys but it's taken so long & my heart just isn't in it anymore."  But no, he kept on - did whatever he needed to do to persevere.  In fact, he had to sit on a firm rock just like I am having to lean on the ROCK of TRUTH.... And then he needed help keeping his hands raised so I'm asking for help to keep our hands raised.....And then....
Well, then...
God showed up.