Thoughts I'm thinking...

It's been awhile since I wrote on here, & I know a lot of people have been wondering & asking me "Where are you at now?" since everything got really fuzzy back 3 weeks ago... Well, we are kind-of in the same spot (which is part of why I haven't written in awhile)... And more than that, I'm still having difficulty processing everything myself (as is Ryan), so it makes it even more hard to explain to someone else....
But here are random thoughts I've had in the last few weeks:
THOUGHT 1:  I'm thankful that when I truly don't know what to say in my prayers, I can cry out "Daddy, Abba, Father!" & the Spirit intercedes for me knowing exactly where my heart is....
THOUGHT 2:  I'm wondering why I ever thought a Floatable Alphabet was necessary for the kids' bathtime.  I mean seriously, can the kid just have fun once in awhile?  Why do we think we need to use every moment including splashing in the water to try to make them smarter or give them an edge??  "Oh you want to know why my son was reading before kindergarten?  Well, we have this great alphabet set that sticks to the walls of the bathtub for like 5 seconds before falling off...." 
THOUGHT 3:  I'm thinking that God is still impressing the desire for another child on both Ryan & I's hearts.  So knowing it's still there at least gives us a push to keep moving forward...
THOUGHT 4:  I'm thinking that international adoption is a big, crazy mess.  And it is, it just is... listen, domestic adoption is hard enough without imposing a whole 'nother country into the mix.  You do that & you just are destined for more work & more hardship.  You go ahead & try with a country from Africa where they are still very much figuring out the role of government within their country & well, it's even that much MORE work & MORE hardship... (For example, we recently found out that the woman who issued the suspensions of adoptions in Ghana does not have a legal right to impose that suspension. So while obviously it's likely the possibility of a true suspension or legal changes related to adoption is going to have to be addressed soon in Ghana, for now the suspension isn't playing out in country near the way this minister would have hoped.  Many regional directors are still going through all that needs to be done to legalize the adoption on their end.)
[BTW - for more information on the craziness that is international adoption right now go to http://buy.stuckdocumentary.com/.  This is a site dedicated to the new documentary making waves called "Stuck".  It's the perfect title for so very many families & so very many, many children.....]
THOUGHT 5:  I'm also wondering why, oh why, my house is getting dirtier when we are in it less???  It's always the most frustrating part of the summer for me - home a lot less, dirtier a lot more...Coincidently, my 5 year old daughter wrote on my mother's day card this year the following: "My mommy is good at... cleaning.  My mommy likes to.... clean.  My mommy is often... cleaning."  (Which is kind-of humorous yet sweet except that my husband was laughing really hard for some reason....)
THOUGHT 6:  I've been thinking a lot about loss & how (or in many times, if...) we allow ourselves to experience loss.  One of the best gifts my mother has shown me as I've become a mom is the "right to grieve a loss".  She has a good friend who is a counselor & who gave that gift to her... She always says that we need to "grieve our losses". 
All of us go through loss of something or someone in our lifetime & whether society would call them "big" or "small" does not matter.  What matters is that thing or that idea or that dream or that person was important to us.  And I'm learning that if we don't grieve the loss, we end up stuck - whether it's stuck being bitter, stuck in the past, stuck in our frustration, stuck in our "What If's?"....
It's been said there are 5 stages to grief & the person who can accept the loss often goes through those stages to varying degrees to reach the end...
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5)  Acceptance
Last week I finally realized that I had been doing this.  I was starting a grieving process as we are faced with a very real "loss" in terms of our dreams of adopting from Ghana & it keeps hitting me every week that goes by with no real news for us.  That dream meant that we were sure we would be traveling there at least once by the end of this summer (which means we were saving up vacation time for that & now that it's not here, we are scrambling to figure out what to even do this summer!)... That dream meant that by now we would at least know who "he" was - have a face, a name.... That dream meant we would stay with the same agency, same country all through the adoption even if (when) we encountered some paperwork issue later on in the process, then we would fight & get through it with a son in tow returning home joyfully before Christmas of this year... It didn't seem to farfetched to me or to others in terms of how Ghana had been running.  But you all know it's not like that now & while it's still going (& for that I'm so grateful!), it's not looking all that steady for people like us who have yet to be matched to a child (whether through a referral or finding a waiting child) plus there are certainly a lot of slowdowns right now in general & uncertainty for the future all the way around.  Initially when we heard the news I was well into Stage 1,  "God will change her heart", "It's not really happening the way we are hearing".... pretty quickly I moved to stage 2 & 3 together I think - - "well we just hang on because it guaranteed to work out in the end"... or frustration at organizations & people at every end of the spectrum... Stage 4 started hitting last week, I cried to a friend of mine who is a teacher in the middle of the school day... No, I really did - like, there she is with her class behind her & for what I think was a good 10 minutes after she had asked me "How is it going?" I start talking & then crying & then I look behind her & see all those kids & think "Oh my word, what is wrong with me??".   (She was so gracious by the way - kudos to her for not interrupting me with a "So, I have 26 first graders I'm in charge of? Remember those???")  I cried earlier that week too a number of times with Ryan & then on Friday it was pretty much a meltdown all day so that by the end of the day I had swollen tissue all around my eyes & really, let's be honest, my whole face... And then I had to attempt to cover that up so we could attend a graduation party & then my son's baseball game... not pretty people...literally...
I think I'm still there to a degree, but there is a little more fight back in my right now as we continue to pursue all our various options again.  We constantly pray for direction, for wisdom, for peace.  And we aren't going to move from where we are until we feel that clarity (which we all know could take awhile, so pretty much, I need to sit back & buckle my seat belt...)

So here's my thought on this lately  - it's not just me.  I'm not the only one going through loss right now.  I've talked to friends these past weeks & realized how very often we have to do this in our lives.  It's not just like one time in your life, it's like over & over & over again.... Your child didn't make the cheerleading team or the traveling soccer team?  Well, she may need to accept the loss, and then maybe you do too because you had hoped she would follow in your foot steps...  You found out that you or someone in your family is facing a devastating illness?  That's just pretty much going to blow you off your feet & if you don't deal with the loss, it's going to leave you knocked down....  You realized that someone close to you isn't who you thought they were or that the relationship you had with someone isn't what you thought it was?  That's really tough stuff & you have to admit the depth of that loss in your life...  Your house isn't as clean as you wish (as indicated by the things your little daughter is picking up... & usually eating... off the floor)?  It's a loss of what you thought so admit that it's dirty, that it's not what you hoped it would be, & go outside & have fun with your kids...
Sorry, just had to throw that one in there...
Anyway... The truth is - it's real to you, so grieve it - - - grieve it so you can come to stage 5 - - - grieve it so you can accept it & grieve it so you can move on....