Open Hands

I haven't written in forever.  No good excuses;  I just haven't known what to say.  I've typed a few times, ended up never really publishing every time & walked away again & again.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true.  Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months.  Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years.  With nothing to show for it except loss.  Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International.  While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana.  While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have.  Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full.  & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things?  What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts...  And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at.  Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up.  I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands.  I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.