It changed our life...

So this will probably be the hardest post I've written so far.  It's going to go places I never in my craziest nightmares would have thought we would be.
And I need you to read this & do 2 things, well maybe 3... First, I need you to read this with respect for us.  Most likely you know our family, but some of you don't, & we need you to know that we love the Lord, we love each other & we continue to have love for another child to be added into our family if the Lord wills.... That being said you may not understand everything I type as you read this & you may have questions that truly are better off not being said out loud to our family.  And I need you to respect that.
Second, I need you to know we aren't in any way saying this to you personally.  To be very forthright, some of the things I will write here are written out of a desire to be honest for both myself as a healing process & for others as a learning process.  I promise this will make sense as you read farther along, but don't think we are asking you for anything or judging you for having a different thought about the adoption process.  We are just simply sharing....
And third, well you probably already know what that is but your prayers for our family have been a comfort, & we believe they have not been wasted.  If you want to continue in those we would be grateful!!
So, this past Tuesday night we received an email truly "out of the blue" so-to-speak that said our entire agency - yep, let's say that again -ENTIRE AGENCY - was closing down.  Ryan had just walked in with our oldest from basketball practice & I had to literally read it out loud because I was in such a state of disbelief & shock.  And then my son started crying.  They were gut-wrenching sobs that come out of 2 years of prayer & 2 year of dreams.  I, on the other hand, felt numb.  Like "Is this some kind of nightmare?  There is no way this is really happening to us." kind-of numb.  Ryan & I just remained quiet.
Within about 15 minutes I went to pick up our oldest daughter from practice, & I told some dear friends (one of which has been through similar experiences with her family's own adoption experience) & then the tears started to fall.  I think it's because verbalizing it made it real.  I've talked about that before - how actually saying things out loud bring a reality to them that thinking about them can't bring.  So that being said, speaking it made me sob.  And then of course I had to explain it to my daughter who began uncontrollably crying so much so that as I held her in my arms I could hardly get her to stop.
There are moments in your life.  There are moments in your life that you will never ever forget & they change you.  I've had many moments along these past 2 years that have done just that, but that day for my entire family - well, I am quite sure it will be one of those moments.  We will always remember it - the day when the thing that was supposed to come & change your life forever never comes & yet somehow still changes your life forever.
We spent time as a family that night in one of the kids' bedrooms with our oldest 2 (minus the little one who is too little yet to understand).  We answered questions to the best of our ability, assured them both of how much we love them & our family of 5 & explained that quite likely this meant we would never be bringing another child into our family.   That now God would have to do something BIG for that to happen & while we know He can, we just don't know if it's what He sees best for us.
And I feel like I just need to pause for awhile after saying that.............................................................
See, we always thought maybe Ethiopia would shut down but this was a different type of shock.  And I won't go into how frustrating it has been to have heard it from an email & not have anyone call or personally reach out to us in a "I know you were at the top of the list & I know you already have been through this once (even twice) in terms of pursuing a child & not getting through & I know we have taken all this money from you & never once honestly admitted that we were financially not in a good place despite you asking that question a year ago.  I know it.. & I'm sorry for it".  (yep that's as far as I'm getting into it, but I think you catch my drift.)  But what I can tell you is that about a couple months ago we had started bracing ourselves for a fall-out from Ethiopia & we had talked about the what if.  So we already knew what the answer was here but it was hard to actually say it once it happened because it was different than what we expected.
So I called another agency that was willing to take on our case.  We wouldn't be placed back at the top of their list for our particular request, but we would be close to the top & they anticipated that it wouldn't take too long for a referral.  And they were giving a $1000 credit to switch over, but as I asked how much the initial fee to switch would be because we are family who has already had to switch & have given so much already, she said she would email it to me.  I think I knew then - knew it would be much, much more than what we could give, and well, quite frankly, that's exactly what happened.
No one likes to talk money, you know?  And so I have had very little mention of it on this blog or in conversation all along the way.  Perhaps you didn't notice or perhaps you did - you've had friends like we have who have adopted & asked for money to help fund their adoption, and so you wondered if we would come with a heartfelt plea at some point & ask if you wanted to come alongside us in that way.  But we haven't.  We never felt like God wanted that from us.  In fact, we knew 2 years ago because of some unexpected ways He was blessing our family that He wanted us to use our resources to give back to Him by funding it on our own.  So we did that... & we did that... & we did it again until it was done.  And well, it's done.  There is no more.  There is nothing left to change or transfer or start again.
So we knew it was the end for us.  I think we both knew it that night as I read aloud the email.  We knew what it meant for our family.  Is it hard to comprehend?? Yes.  Is it hard to accept??  Of course.  But on the other hand, we already knew.  I'm grateful for that really because there was a peace in the decision.  I'm shaking in grief as I type all this but still I know it's the right decision for us right now in this moment.
And it's why we told the kids the truth - We have sacrificed for this & God knew we were willing - we had gotten to a place where we came with open hands & open hearts, and we really believe He sees all that.
But now it's all about HIM.  There is no coming that matters at this point because we already came.  So this is where He has to step in & work something HUGE to show us that He desires to add to our family (i.e. finances or a heart change towards fostering to adopt or something we can't even begin to fathom).  And if He doesn't, well, if He doesn't, does that mean He doesn't exist?  or doesn't love us?  or only wants to hurt us?
NO.  Not at all.
Ryan & I have walked with the Lord much too long to ask those questions.  It may FEEL that way at times, but you don't walk away because of a feeling.  And we've learned that feelings come & go.  But the Truth?  Well, Truth remains.  And we've been through too many feelings, too many doubts, too many experiences that have always led us back to Truth:  There is a God.  There is God who literally IS love & loved us so much that He sent Jesus to take the penalty for our sins & accept us.  There is a God who chose us before the foundation of the World to enter into a love relationship with Him.  And there is a God who because He loves us & accepts us & chose us will never do something that would be against us, but in fact will only work things into our lives for us - for our good & for His glory.  No, it may not look anything like we thought it would, but again, what we've seen & experienced is that it inevitably looks so much better, so much richer, so much more soul-satisfying.  And listen- what is it if a man gains the whole world & forfeits his soul???  (matthew 16:26)
If you've doubted any of those things I just typed above, please hear Truth today.  From a family that feels broken today.  And will always go through this life wondering why they were never able to add another wonderful child into their midst.....
But a family who will all (prayerfully every one of us) someday kneel before the Throne of God above & look full into His wonderful face & know that all that matters is Christ crucified & God glorified.
"Amen.  Blessing & glory & wisdom & thanksgiving & honor & power & might, be to our God forever & ever.  Amen." (Revelation 7:12)