What no one ever said....

If you read my last post you found out that 2 years later after many twists & turns, we had to stop our adoption process.  It's sickening really...
And I cannot tell you how many times I run into the pain of it all & I gasp as it feels like my stomach is punched all over again...
The plates I had bought thinking how cute they would be for a "Welcome Home" party....
The little Keen shoes I bought - the only thing I allowed myself to buy for him - to take to the orphanage on our first visit...
The outgrown clothes of my oldest sonshine that I had been saving & saving...
The baseball glove of my oldest who has desperately wanted a brother, not to mention his bat, the small soccer ball, the small, plastic basketball hoop... We tried baby, God knows we tried...
And the hands - the hands of every little black toddler I see make me internally weep.

No one ever said that it may not work out.
Oh, I suppose it was somewhere in the fine print, but no one ever said it....
They tell you it will be hard, yes... but they tell you that there are millions of orphans waiting for a home such as yours.
They tell you that it may take a lot of waiting, yes... but if you just hold out there will be a child because aren't there so many of them & so little of you?!?
They tell you that your family sounds like the ideal family for a little child to finally rest & stop feeling the striving, the strife, but to finally find the peace that unconditional love can bring.
They tell you that yes, you have the money you need to adopt... And isn't it good that you set aside that large chunk of money a year before the process?  And the budget you are on, and the vacations you forego & the remodeling & fixing up of the house, everything you put off just so that you can afford a child is exactly all you need to do.
So, yes, someday, you will be the proud owner of the child you always dreamed of....
Except it doesn't work like that every time.

And what happens to all those families? All those families who are stuck?  All the families who have run out?
Run out of time....
(3,4,5 years later their family has completely changed & perhaps what was good for them then isn't the best for them now.  So is that dream they had then still a dream for now?)
Run out of money...
(Yes, as an adoption blogger recently pointed out -  it is possible to fund an adoption entirely on your own without loans & asking for money, but what happens when all that money is lost through an agency closing? a country closing? & the only way to continue is to hand over another BIG chunk of money that listen, a fundraising garage sale is just not going to cut it...)
Run out of countries...
(You're not a small, slim person?  I'm sorry you won't fit into the Korea program.  Not Muslim?  Northern Africa is out for you.  Have over one child?  I'm sorry many countries won't accept more than one child in the home. Have your own birth kids?  A new country opening in Congo only allows you to have adopted children...& on & on & on...a long list of quite often ridiculous requirements in every country. So when the few countries you qualify for don't work out - well, what are you going to do?)
Run out of energy...
(Adoption takes a lot of mental & emotional energy from start to finish.  And yes, the waiting is hard, but it's more than that alone.  It's the injustice of it all.  It's the disgusting facts that exist - yes, the millions of orphans, but also the high price you are having to pay for international or national newborn adoption.  Or how about the constant push for "reunification" within the foster system where just the minimum is all you have to provide anymore in our country- never mind a sense of stability, trust, unconditional, selfless love....How long do you keep leaning & pushing against an ugly, heavy door that has been slammed against your face?  2 years?  5 years? 10 years?)

I think if you have a face, a name, anything that was personal that you would keep going, keep fighting.  But please know (we are more & more learning this) - there are many, many who never get that far.  There are many, many who get stuck with NOTHING to show for it but loss after loss after loss.  And if for some reason, like us, you go into this "thing" thinking it won't be you because you've made all the right decisions, done all the right things,  you are fooling yourself & not facing the truth of adoption.  There is something much bigger than you going on in this messy puzzle of adoption.

And for all of those families who, like us, never started this process to "save the world one orphan at a time"... never were in it to "be the hero in the life of a child"....
to all the families like us who, at the core of their being-- just. wanted. a child.
(In fact, we were willing to add 2, to add an older child who was in the supposedly "undesirable" age & gender - "oh perfect, shouldn't be a problem at all" we were told over & over...)

To all those families --
it quite possibly won't work out.

No brother to wear the hand-me-downs, to throw a baseball with, to shoot hoops with.  No child to share a special connection to Africa with & a love for it's culture.  No more little hands to hold & marvel at the smallness, at the soft skin, at the tiny fingers that you imagine will someday hold your frail hands in a similar awe.
What do you do with that??
Right now I'm taking every day as it comes.
Crying when it hits again.
Selling the clothes, the little pair of shoes. (Sure never thought a "thing" could hold so much emotion.)
Using the plates for another fun event where I got to share my love of Africa.
Looking into the eyes of my 3 beautiful children & thanking the Lord continually that He has given them to us.
Comforting them when they cry & say things like "Mom, I just wanted a brother..."
Holding their hands &  hoping that the ache they had for another one will, like our ache, diminish over time - believing it will - just like other grief that comes into our lives.

Yes, we are finding this grief is unique - we don't know many who have experienced it in our "realm".  No, not everyone has this kind.  But eventually everyone has A kind.  And the truth is we all learn to heal from whatever that grief is.  One day at a time.  One year at a time.
So we're doing that - healing a little bit at a time.  But please be patient with all of us - it's going to take some time for this one...