Words....

I'm a talker.... always have been...
I'm the type who has had to grow in learning the power of words - not that I don't use them, more that I do, & I want to be aware of the strength & effect those words have on others.
I tend to be an encourager, a "rock" as my college roommate used to call me (good things when you want to be a nurse....)....  WAY better at dealing with others emotions & issues than my own - when it comes to my own, words seem to leave me....
And here's the thing about right now & how I'm feeling adoption-wise ...
I'm a mess.
Like truly, can't-form-words, mess....
I'm struggling to explain how I'm really feeling & it's partly because I'm struggling to figure it out myself.  And perhaps, it's just that I'm a woman & we get emotional without knowing why sometimes (I know this was a big shock to all the men out there, so I'll give you a moment to get yourself back together.....AND......... moment's over.....)
But I'm starting to wonder if it's just part of this adoption journey & quite possibly I'm on the downward fall of the roller coaster.....
All along I've shared that Ghana is starting to slow down.  Our hope had been that we would plug in to Ghana before it REALLY slowed down & for awhile, it seemed like that was happening - we were just ahead of the curve, so to speak.... But then the past 3 months as we've gotten letters from our agency, that curve has unfortunately been catching up to us.... The referral that was 6-9 months away became 9-12 & as of this past Friday, the referral that was 9-12 months away became 12 + months....  Worse than that was the news that our preferred age is not even a likely option for Ghana right now (a change since we started).  As I type this, I am still processing all of this information - which means that it's still very raw to read, let alone type & I am literally shaking right now...... 
I'm not sure what it even means for us.  Do we continue on with Ghana?  Do we need to change countries?  Do we need to change agencies?  Do we need to change our age?  Do we continue to dump money into something that isn't possible, let alone probable?
This is the scary part of adoption for people like me (read, Type A....).
I don't like the not-knowing.  I don't like the no-control.... In fact, let's re-word those last sentences because I was WAY too nice there....
I HATE THE NOT KNOWING!!!!!!!  I HATE THE NO CONTROL!!!! 
(& Yes, that's how I really feel!)
It goes against so much of what I am & it truly is like a war inside of me....
I spent the weekend preparing for a big party at our house.  And to all of those who came & will read this, I really did have fun & I really did enjoy having you here :o) .... BUT I have to be honest here as I keep this record of our journey...... As I cleaned my house & all our African trinkets & memories & pictures we have collected from trips there, silent tears were pouring down my face and it was all I could do not to burst into tears....
And when my son showed me his paper on Martin Luther King Jr. that compared his own life to MLK's & he wrote down that he has "2 sisters & 1 brother" & I tear up & think, "Really?  You do?  He's that much a part of you already that he's a brother???" 
And when my kids start talking Friday night about getting married someday & how they plan to have one or 2 kids, but then to adopt like 2 or 3 more from a place where there are a lot of kids who don't have families, I cry & think "I'm proud of you, really I am, but because of all that is happening with international adoption, you may not even get that chance.... So someday you may WANT, really WANT to adopt a child to add to your family, but unless you adopt a newborn from the United States who has a mom who is absolutely sure she wants to give her child up for adoption & not just abort instead, you probably won't get that chance....."
So when you ask me how it's going & my eyes get red-rimmed as I tell you we are waiting & that the "plan" was to be half-way through by now, but it looks like we may be just at the beginning....
Well, ladies & gentlemen, this is how I'm really feeling....
discouraged, check....
frustrated, check....
disappointed, check....
confused, check....
angry, check....
heartbroken, check.....
And to be fair- we haven't even hit what could be the hard stuff yet.  As I type this, there are families who are SO CLOSE to having their children from Ghana and are running into MAJOR problems - not just "I'm so sad our wait is getting longer" problems, but more like "We can't finalize the paperwork to bring our son home" kind-of problems...There are families who have been waiting over 3 years just for a referral - they have a child in their heart & for 3 years they have no idea who that child is - it's maddening to even think about...

But for right now, this is how I'm feeling.... this is where I'm at.... and this was my best attempt at putting words to my feelings.