So the past week was like the downward fall from a fun high.... Sonshine had surgery on Dec. 26th to remove his tonsils & adenoids. This was expected. In fact, we had to change our fingerprinting appointment with USCIS to fit in this surgery (which was such a bummer, but God gave a peace that it was the right decision & we are currently awaiting our new appointment time.)
Anyway, we knew this surgery was coming. We got back from Christmas with Ryan's family on Christmas Eve just to have time on Christmas Day to be together & get used to the idea of surgery the next day (Sonshine tends to be my worrier.... don't ask where he got that....). Of course the surgery day itself was a long day (would love to find one surgeon that actually starts on time...), but the recovery for this is what's longer. He can't play actively for 2 full weeks - can you imagine? A boy not being able to play for 2 weeks??? This is a big struggle for my boy who since birth has been extremely active & is very sports oriented. Plus we have worked hard to not make him "video-game" oriented which overall is great, but for the first time in our lives, I have wished that he had a DS or something like that to play with so he could pass the time!! Anyway, beyond that restriction, he is on a semi-liquid diet for this week AND I have to sleep in with him for this week to monitor his breathing, pain, any bleeding, etc. (plus make sure that he doesn't keep flopping over on his stomach with his neck stuck up on his pillow at some crazy angle....I'm sure they just forgot to mention that in the post-op instructions.)
And this is where the story gets a bit unbelievable.... After weeks of getting healthy & past walking pneumonia, strep throat & ear infections earlier in the month, we were there - or so I thought.... Enter Thursday.... Day 1 post-op.... My mom came to watch my older 2 so I could take Baby Girl to the doctor, & low & behold, a double-ear infection. Again, no surprise really.... By Kid #3 (older 2 with tubes by 12 months), we have the ear infections symptoms of our kiddos down flat (because you know they don't follow "textbook ear infection symptoms" - that would be WAY too easy!) In the meantime, I was fending off a sinus infection brought on by allergies (again, fairly typical for me). But so far this is all expected stuff, so enter.... SURPRISE!!!
At 11:30pm that night, my Precious Girl is screaming for mommy in the hallway, so I run out of the twin bed that I'm sleeping on in Sonshine's room & she tells me she "spit up" in her room.... As I take a moment to process what that means & then start the walk to her room, she pukes right between her & I, blocking my way to her room. "Okay," I think, "Just stay calm & try to get her to a bathroom." So I reach over the puke (I'm in my bare feet & there is NO WAY I am going to step in that chunky stuff...) & I turn her towards our bathroom, which apparently stimulates her gag reflex again & she proceeds to vomit a circle, yes, a whole circle, around her body. And then she looks at me in one of those, "What are you going to do now Mommy?" looks, which of course means that I look back at her in my "I have no idea..." look. (Don't you love those looks?? It's like this defeating, "You thought I had all the answers but I don't" feeling & it is so. incredibly. helpless...) So I do the only thing I could think of in the moment - I start screaming for Ryan (who is sleeping down on the coach because he fell asleep to ESPN - I told him last night that this week of me sleeping with Sonshine means it's like his bachelor days!) He comes running, but you know, what is he going to do?? There is puke in a circle around my daughter & he starts gagging before he even makes it up to the 2nd floor. So that's it, decision time, & I just walk in it a bit, lift her up & over the circle so she can head to the bathroom & then proceed to gag my way through cleaning up puke in the hallway, then disinfecting the hallway twice, then making it to her bedroom where we find she has somehow managed to puke on both twin beds & even under one of the beds, so we clean that up & disinfect everything twice in there (with a trip to the cleaners for all her bedding), then I go back to the hallway to disinfect a 3rd time, not to mention disinfect myself somewhere along the way.... So after we cleaned it all up, Ryan gets one pukey kid, with a bucket, on the main floor....I have another with a cut-up throat & a bucket, in our twin beds... and there is a baby girl in her room alternating between coughs & cries & fending for herself. And then I lay down in my "snug" twin bed & think "Really??? I can do this??? I'm not going to be overwhelmed by this?? ........And I'm going to add to this???"
Hmmmmmmm......
Yep. I am.... And the truth is, I can't wait.... Bring it on! (And if You don't mind sending a little more immunity our way in the meantime, that would be an added bonus.....)
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
My one regret this Christmas......
Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!
Every year I try to get a Christmas Card out.... I usually alternate years with pictures of just the kids & pictures of our whole family. This year was a "whole family" year. This meant 2 things: First, I would have to get in the picture (not my favorite thing to do, especially when I have yet to really lose the weight I gained from my last pregnancy which is Resolution Number 1 for 2013!). Second, we had to try to get everyone looking at the camera & smiling (we got pretty close as you can see but there again something about going beyond 2 children that makes this A LOT harder!!).
Thankfully, we are blessed to have a really good photographer in the family (my sister whom I dearly love!!). She always worries that I'm going to be disappointed, but the truth is, I couldn't be disappointed because she just has "it" - the ability to look into her camera & make amazing shots happen. With digital cameras, it feels like everyone can be a photographer these days, but Jaime is able to see things differently than "everyone" & her pictures are always fantastic! For example, she found our background this year downtown on the side of an old building & then knew just how to pose us to make it work. Quite a talented sister I have! If I could fly her to Ghana with us to document our journey down there, I totally would (but sorry sis, I wouldn't count on it!!)
But the truth is I have one regret about our card - it's not the picture, but more the card in general. In previous posts I've mentioned that not a day goes by that Ryan & I aren't thinking of "him" - our little son who is already in our hearts, but yet to be in our arms...
Well, the day we took our picture, I couldn't get him out of my mind. Yeah, I smiled when she said to "Smile" but I kept thinking how I wished he was there. I would wish it when I was telling all the kids to just keep looking at the camera & to just keep smiling no matter what little T did...
I would wish it when I told everyone that it didn't matter how much if felt like they were going to fall over or their knees hurt in the position they were put in.... (So yeah, our card said "Peace, Love, Family" & it's quite possible that it wasn't all together peaceful as we tried to get 5 people posed & smiling at the camera, but we still can hope for it, right???) :o)
I thought of him when I got the card & saw it & felt like someone was missing...
I thought of him as I figured out what to write on the card...
And then I decided to not write anything about him....
It's my one regret this Christmas.
As I've said before, essentially adoption is like being pregnant for this very, very long time - (at least that's what it feels like to us!).... But what's different this time around is that no one can see the baby growing inside my belly & heart.... So I know people look at us, look at me, & they don't get it - maybe they forget or don't know or whatever - but truth is, I'm carrying a baby in my heart & mind 24/7! And I get it why it's not something they think about the way we do, I really do...and so... well, I think that's why I did it - why I decided not to write about him on our card. Because I didn't want it to seem like I was obsessing, or not thankful for the ones I've been given, or like I have to keep throwing it in people's face to remind them when after 6 months, people often are like "Isn't he going to be here soon?" or "What's taking so long?" (& most of the time, I'm thinking "LONG?? Ha!! We're just getting started people! YOU think it feels long? Try walking in our shoes - thinking about it every day & knowing that if maybe, just maybe, everything goes smooth from here on out, we could be having him home NEXT Christmas.... as in 12 more months... as in this is the longest, hardest pregnancy of our lives!!!!!!")
And so I didn't write about him....
and it's my one regret this Christmas...
and if I could have a do-over, my card would read something like this on the back:
"From our Family to your Family: May you have a blessed holiday season... & despite the fact that it might be another year or even longer, would you still continue to join with us in praying our little son home from Ghana? Without a face or name, he has somehow already occupied a place in our hearts & we look forward to someday introducing him to you when he arrives home with his forever family!!"
No regrets anymore... Merry Christmas little one... You are greatly loved....
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
6 months later...
Well, we are at our 6 month "anniversary" of officially starting paperwork for our adoption. And truthfully, we are at least a good one year into the dreaming of it.... And today I can announce that we are OFFICIALLY ON THE REFERRAL LIST!! Yeah!!!!!!
While it's super exciting to know we made it this far, there is also this feeling of... well, like a long exhale - a big sigh of contented-ness & resigned-ness at the same time (Yes, spell-check & all you English majors out there, I am completely aware those are not real words.... Sometimes you just need to make up words to help get your point across, k??) :o)
We really are excited to feel like we are getting somewhere, but this month we also received word from our coordinator at our agency that Ghana truly is "slowing down" in terms of international adoption. We are thankful for every step made to ensure adoptions from international countries are being done ethically & morally in the best interest of all those involved, but does it grieve our hearts to hear that the 6-9 month referral wait that we heard about 6 months ago is now looking like 12 months?... Yes... very much so... Our hearts are with our son - whoever & wherever he may be. It's difficult to explain really unless you've been there, but it always amazes me to see how the Spirit is working in the hearts of Ryan & I & our children. Our oldest, was giving out kisses & hugs the other night around the dinner table. As he finished those he could see, he lifted up his little arms to the sky & said he was giving them out to his brother-to-be, wherever he might be..... It's moments like that which remind me that GOD is the one doing this - only He can bring about a love like that for a little boy we have never even met.
Would you join us in praying that we would see the completion (in this case the arrival of our son on US soil) of our journey sooner rather than later? That God would continue to move the people of Ghana to recognize the benefits of International Adoption & not be scared about the few questionable cases, but to be committed to searching out families who truly desire to love on & protect & provide a forever home/family to a child in need....
Here is where we are specifically for those who are wanting to know:
Our i-600a is sent off to USCIS as of today. We are working to gather all the paperwork for our dossier in the meantime (although a lot of that was already done). We are Number 3 on the Referral List in our small program within our agency. They have purposely protected the Ghana program by keeping it small - they only accept certain families & a certain number of families. The 2 families before us have been waiting over 6 months.
Lastly, I want to share a story as a recorded memory of this journey... Yesterday, we had to get some paperwork notarized to send with our i-600a. It's a longer story, but if we didn't get it notarized yesterday we would have had to wait until next week & everyone who has been through the adoption process understands the feeling urgency you have to do everything you can personally do as quickly as possible because then you are very dependent on others who have lots of other paperwork to get through!! So, around 10:45am I found out that the notary who we use at the library was unavailable yesterday - like all day unavailable. So I sent a FB shout-out to see if anyone could help. I forgot to mention that we only had a small window of time that we could meet with someone (had to be between noon & 12:15 - weren't trying to be picky, just had a crazy day scheduled!) so time was a factor, but you can't really call up a notary & say "Drop everything so we can be there at noon."
Anyway, within minutes my home phone & cell phone starting ringing & I got like 6 comments on the FB thread with leads for a notary!! A friend of our families called & had literally nearly set everything up for us if we could be there soon, say around noon?? :o) "Why, yes, yes that would be perfect!" Did I mention it was with the Chief of Police?? So, I had an appointment set up for us with the Chief of Police within about 10 minutes & a list of 3 other notaries who were friends or acquaintances!!! Here's what came to me as I drove away from that meeting with the Chief of Police whose notary license doesn't expire until Dec. 2016 (another very important piece of the puzzle that I wasn't sure would fall into place until we met him).... God knows..... This is no happen-stance, no coincidence. If we had still been living in Indy going through this process, there is NO WAY everything would have been worked out within 10 minutes ready for the exact time we needed it, for free.... This happens when you live in small town & everyone you know knows everyone else you need to know and they implicitly trust each other. "Oh, your wallet is lost? Ok, well do you have another form of picture ID, if not, it's okay, just show me all you've got..." (We remembered I had my passport thankfully!! And as a side note - if you want to pray with me about my missing wallet that would be awesome - and I promise I'm not being cheeky when I say that - I am really praying for clarity to figure out where that dumb, important thing is!!!) I'm thankful that we are in Morton for such a time as this!!
While it's super exciting to know we made it this far, there is also this feeling of... well, like a long exhale - a big sigh of contented-ness & resigned-ness at the same time (Yes, spell-check & all you English majors out there, I am completely aware those are not real words.... Sometimes you just need to make up words to help get your point across, k??) :o)
We really are excited to feel like we are getting somewhere, but this month we also received word from our coordinator at our agency that Ghana truly is "slowing down" in terms of international adoption. We are thankful for every step made to ensure adoptions from international countries are being done ethically & morally in the best interest of all those involved, but does it grieve our hearts to hear that the 6-9 month referral wait that we heard about 6 months ago is now looking like 12 months?... Yes... very much so... Our hearts are with our son - whoever & wherever he may be. It's difficult to explain really unless you've been there, but it always amazes me to see how the Spirit is working in the hearts of Ryan & I & our children. Our oldest, was giving out kisses & hugs the other night around the dinner table. As he finished those he could see, he lifted up his little arms to the sky & said he was giving them out to his brother-to-be, wherever he might be..... It's moments like that which remind me that GOD is the one doing this - only He can bring about a love like that for a little boy we have never even met.
Would you join us in praying that we would see the completion (in this case the arrival of our son on US soil) of our journey sooner rather than later? That God would continue to move the people of Ghana to recognize the benefits of International Adoption & not be scared about the few questionable cases, but to be committed to searching out families who truly desire to love on & protect & provide a forever home/family to a child in need....
Here is where we are specifically for those who are wanting to know:
Our i-600a is sent off to USCIS as of today. We are working to gather all the paperwork for our dossier in the meantime (although a lot of that was already done). We are Number 3 on the Referral List in our small program within our agency. They have purposely protected the Ghana program by keeping it small - they only accept certain families & a certain number of families. The 2 families before us have been waiting over 6 months.
Lastly, I want to share a story as a recorded memory of this journey... Yesterday, we had to get some paperwork notarized to send with our i-600a. It's a longer story, but if we didn't get it notarized yesterday we would have had to wait until next week & everyone who has been through the adoption process understands the feeling urgency you have to do everything you can personally do as quickly as possible because then you are very dependent on others who have lots of other paperwork to get through!! So, around 10:45am I found out that the notary who we use at the library was unavailable yesterday - like all day unavailable. So I sent a FB shout-out to see if anyone could help. I forgot to mention that we only had a small window of time that we could meet with someone (had to be between noon & 12:15 - weren't trying to be picky, just had a crazy day scheduled!) so time was a factor, but you can't really call up a notary & say "Drop everything so we can be there at noon."
Anyway, within minutes my home phone & cell phone starting ringing & I got like 6 comments on the FB thread with leads for a notary!! A friend of our families called & had literally nearly set everything up for us if we could be there soon, say around noon?? :o) "Why, yes, yes that would be perfect!" Did I mention it was with the Chief of Police?? So, I had an appointment set up for us with the Chief of Police within about 10 minutes & a list of 3 other notaries who were friends or acquaintances!!! Here's what came to me as I drove away from that meeting with the Chief of Police whose notary license doesn't expire until Dec. 2016 (another very important piece of the puzzle that I wasn't sure would fall into place until we met him).... God knows..... This is no happen-stance, no coincidence. If we had still been living in Indy going through this process, there is NO WAY everything would have been worked out within 10 minutes ready for the exact time we needed it, for free.... This happens when you live in small town & everyone you know knows everyone else you need to know and they implicitly trust each other. "Oh, your wallet is lost? Ok, well do you have another form of picture ID, if not, it's okay, just show me all you've got..." (We remembered I had my passport thankfully!! And as a side note - if you want to pray with me about my missing wallet that would be awesome - and I promise I'm not being cheeky when I say that - I am really praying for clarity to figure out where that dumb, important thing is!!!) I'm thankful that we are in Morton for such a time as this!!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Halloween 2012
So, this is a large part of our family right in our town that our adopted son will get to be a part-of!!
Look at all these cousins - and some awfully fun grandparents that don't mind getting a few laughs!! I think they made this one of the most memorable Halloweens yet! We feel beyond blessed to have so much fun & support literally right down the road!
Look at all these cousins - and some awfully fun grandparents that don't mind getting a few laughs!! I think they made this one of the most memorable Halloweens yet! We feel beyond blessed to have so much fun & support literally right down the road!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Last First....
Well, we have officially passed the LAST First Birthday Party in our family! It's a bittersweet moment for sure! Hard to believe my baby girl turned one; hard to believe we made it through one of the toughest year- plus years of our marriage/family life; hard to believe we won't celebrate another first birthday with any of our children again, even our son-to-be....
During one of our adoption training seminars we learned that there is loss on all sides of the adoption spectrum. Often we think of the loss for the birth mom & the losses for the child, but rarely had I thought about the loss for the adoptive parent until here am I, now one of those ones experiencing losses in a very real way. I desperately wish I could be celebrating our son-to-be's first birthday with him. To miss out on that leaves a void... when I have these recognition times, or awareness times, of a loss of not having birthed this child-to-be, of not having delivered him, of not being the one who got up in the night with him to nurse him back to sleep, of not having bonded with him from infancy.... those are the times that I just fervently pray. "God, keep him safe... God, keep him healthy... God, be with his dear mother....God, give him love in his little life - your LOVE & others love... God, call Him by name... God, help him to grow in grace & wisdom even as an infant & toddler..." You see, the thing is, I don't know what else to do... I am utterly dependent on Him to orchestrate the events of our son's life in such a way that he is ultimately brought into our forever family. It's a very humbling place to be in....
And now, in an abrupt switch of subjects...
So yesterday was my darling little girl's first birthday. Her full name means "God's Instruction, God's Grace"... It was particularly chosen for her out of the months of difficulty I had in my pregnancy at the end & the couple months after that were so hard... I learned that I can't have one without the other & she is a daily reminder of that in my life.
Saturday was her birthday party & we had so, so much fun!! I used the party as a way to not only celebrate her first year of life, but also as a way to say "Thank You" for those who selflessly gave of their time & resources to help us during those hard months. This meant the room was FILLED to the brim with those we dearly love. Little One was so happy to see all of those people in one room - numerous times I saw her just looking at all their faces & beaming! She devoured her cake - It was a small 2-tier smash cake, & I literally had to pry it away from her after she had consumed half in record time! (Perfect photo/video op right there!)
The theme of the party was "Cute as a Button". Ryan & I always say she is our "best work". (Don't tell my other kiddos though!) :o) She has just been the most beautiful little thing since her true birth-day! So this theme fit her to a "T" (literally) & it was so much fun to get ready for!! I want to share pics with you so you can see all the fun things I was able to create to help reinforce her theme!
First, the main food table - My mother-in-law helped me a lot with getting everything ready! We had hot ham & cheddar/swiss rolls, carrots & celery with the famous "Nana's Dip", grapes & strawberries (2 of Little Ones favorite fruit!), Holland's Carmelcorn in the theme colors (Pink & Teal - Strawberry & Raspberry-flavored), Candy Buttons, & Cupcakes....
I decided to forego the sugary sodas or punch & go with good old-fashioned MILK with a twist... Have you seen these Milk Straws yet? I found them at Wal-Mart - all kinds of flavors & only 17 calories (way better than the sugary syrup), but the light pink Strawberry straws matched so well & looked so cute in the teal Mason Jar I found at Relics...
The cupcakes were a first-time for me in a way... I am a buttercream girl at heart - always have been, always will be! I love to decorate my cakes by piping. I like the 3D effect & it tastes better of course!! But I wanted to go with finger-foods for this party so I decided on cupcakes & thought it would be cute to actually "make" buttons out of fondant. At first, this took longer than I expected & was a bit of a trial & error, but by the end I had it down & could get it done pretty fast....
I had a "Guess the Amount of Buttons in the Jar" contest & a little "craft" card table set up with plain hair clips & paperclips with ribbons attached to be used as bookmarks. On that little table was a small glue gun & various buttons so people could make a button hairclip/bookmark to take home & hopefully remember Torah & our family with each use.
It truly was a great "Last" way to end our "First" Birthdays!!
During one of our adoption training seminars we learned that there is loss on all sides of the adoption spectrum. Often we think of the loss for the birth mom & the losses for the child, but rarely had I thought about the loss for the adoptive parent until here am I, now one of those ones experiencing losses in a very real way. I desperately wish I could be celebrating our son-to-be's first birthday with him. To miss out on that leaves a void... when I have these recognition times, or awareness times, of a loss of not having birthed this child-to-be, of not having delivered him, of not being the one who got up in the night with him to nurse him back to sleep, of not having bonded with him from infancy.... those are the times that I just fervently pray. "God, keep him safe... God, keep him healthy... God, be with his dear mother....God, give him love in his little life - your LOVE & others love... God, call Him by name... God, help him to grow in grace & wisdom even as an infant & toddler..." You see, the thing is, I don't know what else to do... I am utterly dependent on Him to orchestrate the events of our son's life in such a way that he is ultimately brought into our forever family. It's a very humbling place to be in....
And now, in an abrupt switch of subjects...
So yesterday was my darling little girl's first birthday. Her full name means "God's Instruction, God's Grace"... It was particularly chosen for her out of the months of difficulty I had in my pregnancy at the end & the couple months after that were so hard... I learned that I can't have one without the other & she is a daily reminder of that in my life.
Saturday was her birthday party & we had so, so much fun!! I used the party as a way to not only celebrate her first year of life, but also as a way to say "Thank You" for those who selflessly gave of their time & resources to help us during those hard months. This meant the room was FILLED to the brim with those we dearly love. Little One was so happy to see all of those people in one room - numerous times I saw her just looking at all their faces & beaming! She devoured her cake - It was a small 2-tier smash cake, & I literally had to pry it away from her after she had consumed half in record time! (Perfect photo/video op right there!)
The theme of the party was "Cute as a Button". Ryan & I always say she is our "best work". (Don't tell my other kiddos though!) :o) She has just been the most beautiful little thing since her true birth-day! So this theme fit her to a "T" (literally) & it was so much fun to get ready for!! I want to share pics with you so you can see all the fun things I was able to create to help reinforce her theme!
First, the main food table - My mother-in-law helped me a lot with getting everything ready! We had hot ham & cheddar/swiss rolls, carrots & celery with the famous "Nana's Dip", grapes & strawberries (2 of Little Ones favorite fruit!), Holland's Carmelcorn in the theme colors (Pink & Teal - Strawberry & Raspberry-flavored), Candy Buttons, & Cupcakes....
The cupcakes were a first-time for me in a way... I am a buttercream girl at heart - always have been, always will be! I love to decorate my cakes by piping. I like the 3D effect & it tastes better of course!! But I wanted to go with finger-foods for this party so I decided on cupcakes & thought it would be cute to actually "make" buttons out of fondant. At first, this took longer than I expected & was a bit of a trial & error, but by the end I had it down & could get it done pretty fast....
A couple other pics of decor items that I made &/or borrowed (thanks Meghan for letting me use your big burlap board & lace curtains for a tablecloth - they worked perfectly!!)
It truly was a great "Last" way to end our "First" Birthdays!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Sonshine....
So my Sonshine turned 7 today - 7 people!!! It's so hard to believe that much time has passed since I carried him! And last night he asked "How do babies get born out of their mom's body?" We really should prepare ourselves for those ones in advance - after all, this is one nearly every kid asks, so why was I so shocked & stammering?? (BTW - that was followed up by another thought-provoking question "How many animals are in the world?" In many ways, that one was a lot easier to answer - "I have no idea...".... And as another side note, for the first question, I went with a gentle truth - in my opinion, always better than a stork... I mean, really, a bird?!?!.....)
I remember wanting a baby before I became pregnant with him which was kind-of a foreign thing for me. I was never "that girl" growing up - the one who couldn't wait to be married & have kids. Nothing wrong with "that girl", she just wasn't me (Incidently, my beautiful roommate in college was not only "that girl" but we routinely prayed that she would have quads - she got 3 gorgeous children, all separate, instead & is still incredibly grateful.... So see, I was already praying that over someone, just not myself!) I think the change, the desire, got sparked when I transitioned from full-time PICU nurse to Peds Office Nurse. Office means "normal", well-child, healthy, which is about as opposite as PICU as it gets. I finally realized that it's possible to have a child that doesn't have a heart defect, doesn't have their insides all messed up & doesn't get run over by a car... (Sorry to say it so nonchalantly but that's what happens when you work ICU - a bit jaded is a nice way to put it... )
So, I started wanting one - a normal, healthy child if possible, but I knew I would love whatever child God put in our lives (& I even would know the best doctors to help him!!). Months later, I found out I was pregnant & carried that boy for 9 months - the last month being mainly on bedrest due to high blood pressure (that's a whole 'nother blogpost...). And when he finally arrived - oh my word... It was like the sweetest thing - bigger & better than ANYTHING I could have imagined! And I praised God every single day that he was healthy!!! And I loved him fiercely!! We named him "The Lord is Good" & I loved him for reminding me of that.... In fact, for a long time, I called him my best friend.... having a hubby who traveled for work & no immediate family in town meant a lot of togetherness & we went everywhere together & I told him just about everything! Yes, he was just an infant, & yes, he could barely talk back, but seriously, how perfect is that? Right, moms??
And I can tell you that today, 7 years later, through good days, bad days & every day in between, I love that kid like no other - he is my firstborn & nearly every day I want to just squeeze him so tightly & not let go... Being a super active boy, hugs aren't high on his list of priorities unfortunately, so as he leaves for school these days we each kiss our hands & give each other a high-5 - that has met his qualifications for acceptable lovin'.... (for now.... ) I call him Sonshine a lot because he literally brightened up my life. He opened up a whole new world for me - that of "mother". And he made me want to do it again, and then again, and then to open up my heart up even wider for a child who already has a birth mother, but who needs a forever mother....And every day since, I am realizing it is the MOST important job I will ever have. And despite rarely being thanked & often feeling under appreciated, I am not only choosing to do it again, I am believing it to be the most rewarding job I will ever have as well.
Happy Birthday Sonshine!!
"This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.” ― Jodi Picoult
I remember wanting a baby before I became pregnant with him which was kind-of a foreign thing for me. I was never "that girl" growing up - the one who couldn't wait to be married & have kids. Nothing wrong with "that girl", she just wasn't me (Incidently, my beautiful roommate in college was not only "that girl" but we routinely prayed that she would have quads - she got 3 gorgeous children, all separate, instead & is still incredibly grateful.... So see, I was already praying that over someone, just not myself!) I think the change, the desire, got sparked when I transitioned from full-time PICU nurse to Peds Office Nurse. Office means "normal", well-child, healthy, which is about as opposite as PICU as it gets. I finally realized that it's possible to have a child that doesn't have a heart defect, doesn't have their insides all messed up & doesn't get run over by a car... (Sorry to say it so nonchalantly but that's what happens when you work ICU - a bit jaded is a nice way to put it... )
So, I started wanting one - a normal, healthy child if possible, but I knew I would love whatever child God put in our lives (& I even would know the best doctors to help him!!). Months later, I found out I was pregnant & carried that boy for 9 months - the last month being mainly on bedrest due to high blood pressure (that's a whole 'nother blogpost...). And when he finally arrived - oh my word... It was like the sweetest thing - bigger & better than ANYTHING I could have imagined! And I praised God every single day that he was healthy!!! And I loved him fiercely!! We named him "The Lord is Good" & I loved him for reminding me of that.... In fact, for a long time, I called him my best friend.... having a hubby who traveled for work & no immediate family in town meant a lot of togetherness & we went everywhere together & I told him just about everything! Yes, he was just an infant, & yes, he could barely talk back, but seriously, how perfect is that? Right, moms??
And I can tell you that today, 7 years later, through good days, bad days & every day in between, I love that kid like no other - he is my firstborn & nearly every day I want to just squeeze him so tightly & not let go... Being a super active boy, hugs aren't high on his list of priorities unfortunately, so as he leaves for school these days we each kiss our hands & give each other a high-5 - that has met his qualifications for acceptable lovin'.... (for now.... ) I call him Sonshine a lot because he literally brightened up my life. He opened up a whole new world for me - that of "mother". And he made me want to do it again, and then again, and then to open up my heart up even wider for a child who already has a birth mother, but who needs a forever mother....And every day since, I am realizing it is the MOST important job I will ever have. And despite rarely being thanked & often feeling under appreciated, I am not only choosing to do it again, I am believing it to be the most rewarding job I will ever have as well.
Happy Birthday Sonshine!!
"This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.” ― Jodi Picoult
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Truth is...
TRUTH is...
Have you heard this saying lately? I'm hearing it a lot, especially from teens... I've long said that this generation coming behind me is preoccupied with what I call "Realness" - telling the truth, the full truth & nothing but the truth is something they highly respect & admire over many other values. It's part of why I believe my job is effective not only in the Christian community but also in the inner city - if you can communicate Truth to teens in a loving way, they will listen...(notice I didn't say believe, but being willing to listen is a big step to getting to belief!) Anyway, getting way off track already...
So as we've been going through the past 2 months frantically doing paperwork (finished both our formal application with Dillon AND our homestudy in this time frame & are currently just waiting for the "big-wigs" to give us the A-OK on both of those. I love how I just simplified all the time we've spent on paperwork into one sentence!) Anyway, as we have gone through these past months I just keep thinking about this "Truth is..." statement in terms of adoption.
I think for a long time "telling the truth" about adoption hasn't been something you see too often from adoptees, adoptive families & even birth moms/dads (I would love to explore the reasons why, but way too long for a blog post right now). But as we have done a large majority of the paperwork & done hours of education to prepare (which is only the start!), I am more & more convinced of this - "Truth is.... Adoption is HARD." As in, not for the faint of heart-hard.... As in, bang your head against a wall-hard.... As in, cry yourself to sleep-hard....
Another part of truth for us is that Ryan & I have certainly gone into this with our eyes wide open. We knew it wasn't easy on so many levels, but as we have gone through all the fantastic education that Dillon requires for international adoption (one reason I LOVE Dillon & one that I think has made them so well-respected in terms of ethical adoptions), it's been clear to us that our goal of "intentional parenting" with our own children is just part of how "intentional" we will have to be with our adopted son. And then when I think of how we will have missed at least a year, two years, maybe even more of his life, which means we will have a lot of "learning" to do to figure out who he is, how to best love on him.... well, that starts the hard grieving process all over again for me. And sometimes when I think of his mom, I can hardly let my mind & heart go there because it's too hard...And then if I think of him - him who could be even now sitting in an orphanage waiting & soaking up every little bit of love & attention he can get - him who will arrive in a new country, new culture, new family - him who will always carry two moms in his heart - well, you can see where I'm going, can't you? ADOPTION IS HARD!! (And I haven't really spent too much time complaining about the paperwork, haven't really gone through the waiting yet, haven't really taken the first trip to meet our son only to leave him again until we can go back for him, haven't experienced leaving behind our 3 littles to go get him... again, do you hear where I'm going with this?)
And while truth can be scary sometimes, I've also learned that speaking truth is so, so healing!!
And in speaking truth, you can't forget to tell the FULL truth - you can't just tell the one side (in this case the scary, broken truth) - you have to tell every part of it. So here's the FULL truth.... Adoption. Is. Beautiful.... (big sigh) Like amazingly, beautiful....And our family is learning together (& taking our extended family & friends along with us on this journey) how beautiful it really is. "...the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship, And by Him we cry, Abba, Father." (Romans 8:15) "...He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure & will..." (Eph. 1:5) To be able to have a sense, a glimpse, of what God did for us through Jesus Christ because He was PLEASED to & He WANTED to... well, I have no words - just a heart of gratitude. I'm so thankful we are on this journey & I'm so thankful we are getting to experience the truth of adoption in all it's forms...
"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." (Martin Luther King Jr.)
Have you heard this saying lately? I'm hearing it a lot, especially from teens... I've long said that this generation coming behind me is preoccupied with what I call "Realness" - telling the truth, the full truth & nothing but the truth is something they highly respect & admire over many other values. It's part of why I believe my job is effective not only in the Christian community but also in the inner city - if you can communicate Truth to teens in a loving way, they will listen...(notice I didn't say believe, but being willing to listen is a big step to getting to belief!) Anyway, getting way off track already...
So as we've been going through the past 2 months frantically doing paperwork (finished both our formal application with Dillon AND our homestudy in this time frame & are currently just waiting for the "big-wigs" to give us the A-OK on both of those. I love how I just simplified all the time we've spent on paperwork into one sentence!) Anyway, as we have gone through these past months I just keep thinking about this "Truth is..." statement in terms of adoption.
I think for a long time "telling the truth" about adoption hasn't been something you see too often from adoptees, adoptive families & even birth moms/dads (I would love to explore the reasons why, but way too long for a blog post right now). But as we have done a large majority of the paperwork & done hours of education to prepare (which is only the start!), I am more & more convinced of this - "Truth is.... Adoption is HARD." As in, not for the faint of heart-hard.... As in, bang your head against a wall-hard.... As in, cry yourself to sleep-hard....
Another part of truth for us is that Ryan & I have certainly gone into this with our eyes wide open. We knew it wasn't easy on so many levels, but as we have gone through all the fantastic education that Dillon requires for international adoption (one reason I LOVE Dillon & one that I think has made them so well-respected in terms of ethical adoptions), it's been clear to us that our goal of "intentional parenting" with our own children is just part of how "intentional" we will have to be with our adopted son. And then when I think of how we will have missed at least a year, two years, maybe even more of his life, which means we will have a lot of "learning" to do to figure out who he is, how to best love on him.... well, that starts the hard grieving process all over again for me. And sometimes when I think of his mom, I can hardly let my mind & heart go there because it's too hard...And then if I think of him - him who could be even now sitting in an orphanage waiting & soaking up every little bit of love & attention he can get - him who will arrive in a new country, new culture, new family - him who will always carry two moms in his heart - well, you can see where I'm going, can't you? ADOPTION IS HARD!! (And I haven't really spent too much time complaining about the paperwork, haven't really gone through the waiting yet, haven't really taken the first trip to meet our son only to leave him again until we can go back for him, haven't experienced leaving behind our 3 littles to go get him... again, do you hear where I'm going with this?)
And while truth can be scary sometimes, I've also learned that speaking truth is so, so healing!!
And in speaking truth, you can't forget to tell the FULL truth - you can't just tell the one side (in this case the scary, broken truth) - you have to tell every part of it. So here's the FULL truth.... Adoption. Is. Beautiful.... (big sigh) Like amazingly, beautiful....And our family is learning together (& taking our extended family & friends along with us on this journey) how beautiful it really is. "...the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship, And by Him we cry, Abba, Father." (Romans 8:15) "...He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure & will..." (Eph. 1:5) To be able to have a sense, a glimpse, of what God did for us through Jesus Christ because He was PLEASED to & He WANTED to... well, I have no words - just a heart of gratitude. I'm so thankful we are on this journey & I'm so thankful we are getting to experience the truth of adoption in all it's forms...
"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." (Martin Luther King Jr.)
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Woo-Hoo!!
Received this in our adoption email account today from Dillon:
"Congratulations! Your Application Part 1 has been approved. The Application Part 2 packet will be mailed to you today. We are excited for you and look forward to working with you during your adoption journey...."
Plus yesterday all our DCFS/Initial Home Study & Fingerprints were approved by our social worker & sent off... Our first date for the Home Study in our home is coming up in a little over 2 weeks on Monday, July 16th!
And on this hot date in Illinois, my sonshine said, "I bet my brother is so hot because he doesn't even have a pool to go to!" I love that my kids always remember him too because I know he is rarely far from Ryan & I's minds! So every step is one step closer to Ghanian soil - We're coming little one!!!
"Congratulations! Your Application Part 1 has been approved. The Application Part 2 packet will be mailed to you today. We are excited for you and look forward to working with you during your adoption journey...."
Plus yesterday all our DCFS/Initial Home Study & Fingerprints were approved by our social worker & sent off... Our first date for the Home Study in our home is coming up in a little over 2 weeks on Monday, July 16th!
And on this hot date in Illinois, my sonshine said, "I bet my brother is so hot because he doesn't even have a pool to go to!" I love that my kids always remember him too because I know he is rarely far from Ryan & I's minds! So every step is one step closer to Ghanian soil - We're coming little one!!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Who is he?
I'm not sure if there is a day that goes by that I don't wonder about this... "Who is he?" which of course goes further into - How old is? What is personality like? What is his name? What is his Ghanian family like? Is he tall or short? Is his skin on the darker side (like those in Ghana tend to be) or on the lighter side of the African spectrum?
So here's the little that we DO know (& it's not much!!):
..... we know we are asking for a boy age 0-36 months. Currently our agency is placing kids age 2 & older (with a couple younger here or there), so we anticipate he will be around 2, but we don't know for sure... This is what we preferred as truthfully, the newborn stage isn't our favorites. (Which is what lead us to international adoption in the first place; options were either that or foster care which we ended up deciding to forego after many months of searching & a lot of prayer).
.....we know that he will be from Ghana. This took awhile to figure out, but after narrowing down to Africa we debated between Uganda & Ghana, finally deciding on Ghana for a number of reasons. First, it is a fairly stable country politically (as opposed to Uganda, where Ryan has spent a lot of time - a lot of progress there, but between Museveni's desire to keep control & the LRA persecution in the north, a lot of unrest still remains). In fact, Ghana is currently ranked the friendliest & most peaceful country in Africa. (They call themselves the Land of Sunshine!) Second, things are moving in Ghana - boys age 2 & up are the most commonly placed children from Ghana & average length that we saw is anywhere from 6-18 months (as opposed to Ethiopia which, as many people probably know, is experiencing a "growing pains" of sorts within all the bureaucratic red-tape). Ghana's first language is English (whew!), plus we found out there are 1.1 million orphans in this small country located in West Africa between the Ivory Coast & Togo. Also, to be very honest, getting to experience a new country & culture is very appealing to us!!
.....we know that we are working with Dillon International. We were very committed to a well-established agency with a high reputation for ethical adoption & orphan care, as well as an established program in Ghana before international adoptions began. Dillon Adoption Agency met all of those requirements and were highly recommended for their ethical adoptions from a number of other agencies (plus the Ghana program coordinator & I just clicked! Her name is Jynger with a "J" & if you know my "J" family, then you know that just got me excited!!).
Despite all those kind-of "knowns", as we fill out all the paperwork, take all the recommended education hours, & get ready for our home study sometime in July.... we just keep asking God what He wants for our family. We imagine a boy - most likely we will be "twinning" (in adoption terms this means he would be within a year give or take from our littlest)... We imagine he's active enough to keep up with our Sonshine who is ready to teach him all the ropes of baseball, soccer & basketball... We imagine he's sturdy enough to withstand our Precious's enormous hugs & "in your face" kind-of love (& to hug her back tightly in return!)...We imagine he's tough enough to hold on to his toys from when our Little One tries to pry them from his hands (she'll most likely be right in that oh-so-enjoyable "Mine, Mine, Mine" stage when he gets here!), but still adore her for all the fun & smiles she's sure to bring to his life!
And as a side note, we've already been praying for his name & we invite you to do the same with us... All our children have the same initials (first names all begin with a T). Normally we would probably just allow him to keep his African name, but we want him to have a sense of belonging & identity with our family, after all he will be our son!! So, truthfully, we have been praying that he will already have a name starting with the letter T (sometimes it feels like a little much to ask for, but we know God is in the "more than you can ask or imagine" business!). And in the meantime, we will keep exploring options that will honor his African heritage but give him a firm sense of being "ours"... We are always open to suggestions!!!
So here's the little that we DO know (& it's not much!!):
..... we know we are asking for a boy age 0-36 months. Currently our agency is placing kids age 2 & older (with a couple younger here or there), so we anticipate he will be around 2, but we don't know for sure... This is what we preferred as truthfully, the newborn stage isn't our favorites. (Which is what lead us to international adoption in the first place; options were either that or foster care which we ended up deciding to forego after many months of searching & a lot of prayer).
.....we know that he will be from Ghana. This took awhile to figure out, but after narrowing down to Africa we debated between Uganda & Ghana, finally deciding on Ghana for a number of reasons. First, it is a fairly stable country politically (as opposed to Uganda, where Ryan has spent a lot of time - a lot of progress there, but between Museveni's desire to keep control & the LRA persecution in the north, a lot of unrest still remains). In fact, Ghana is currently ranked the friendliest & most peaceful country in Africa. (They call themselves the Land of Sunshine!) Second, things are moving in Ghana - boys age 2 & up are the most commonly placed children from Ghana & average length that we saw is anywhere from 6-18 months (as opposed to Ethiopia which, as many people probably know, is experiencing a "growing pains" of sorts within all the bureaucratic red-tape). Ghana's first language is English (whew!), plus we found out there are 1.1 million orphans in this small country located in West Africa between the Ivory Coast & Togo. Also, to be very honest, getting to experience a new country & culture is very appealing to us!!
.....we know that we are working with Dillon International. We were very committed to a well-established agency with a high reputation for ethical adoption & orphan care, as well as an established program in Ghana before international adoptions began. Dillon Adoption Agency met all of those requirements and were highly recommended for their ethical adoptions from a number of other agencies (plus the Ghana program coordinator & I just clicked! Her name is Jynger with a "J" & if you know my "J" family, then you know that just got me excited!!).
Despite all those kind-of "knowns", as we fill out all the paperwork, take all the recommended education hours, & get ready for our home study sometime in July.... we just keep asking God what He wants for our family. We imagine a boy - most likely we will be "twinning" (in adoption terms this means he would be within a year give or take from our littlest)... We imagine he's active enough to keep up with our Sonshine who is ready to teach him all the ropes of baseball, soccer & basketball... We imagine he's sturdy enough to withstand our Precious's enormous hugs & "in your face" kind-of love (& to hug her back tightly in return!)...We imagine he's tough enough to hold on to his toys from when our Little One tries to pry them from his hands (she'll most likely be right in that oh-so-enjoyable "Mine, Mine, Mine" stage when he gets here!), but still adore her for all the fun & smiles she's sure to bring to his life!
And as a side note, we've already been praying for his name & we invite you to do the same with us... All our children have the same initials (first names all begin with a T). Normally we would probably just allow him to keep his African name, but we want him to have a sense of belonging & identity with our family, after all he will be our son!! So, truthfully, we have been praying that he will already have a name starting with the letter T (sometimes it feels like a little much to ask for, but we know God is in the "more than you can ask or imagine" business!). And in the meantime, we will keep exploring options that will honor his African heritage but give him a firm sense of being "ours"... We are always open to suggestions!!!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Trying hard not to laugh...
So, anyone that knows our Precious Number 2, knows that you can't anticipate what she will say next... let's just say she lives up to the blond in her hair!!
Every night as we pray together she faithfully prays for her little brother who is coming "in like 3 days or something like that" (right, something like that...)
So, for your reading enjoyment, here's a snippet of her prayers put into one... She usually prays for a bit then gets to her main topic of prayer lately which goes something like this...
Precious One: "Dear God, we thank you that we are getting a new brother who will be younger than me but will be a boy like Tobias and probably sleep in his room in a bed, but maybe a crib, and who will fit in somewhere by our baby sister and who is coming from Ghana which is in Africa..."
Me or Ryan: "okay, pretty sure God's got that now, you can move on..."
Precious One: "And we just thank you he is going to come and just be with him as he is in Africa, keep him safe, and make sure he has good teeth..."
Me or Ryan: (Raising of eyebrows)
Precious One: "And thank you that he will have dark skin because he's from Africa. And we pray that he wouldn't love God..."
Me or Ryan: "Wait, wait, wait... you mean love God."
Precious One: "No, Mom, there are just some people who don't love God."
Me or Ryan: "Okay right, but we are going to tell him about God & how much God loves him, so we are praying that he would learn to love God..."
Precious One: (sigh...) "Okay, so we pray that we teach him how You love him & that he will learn to love you. And we thank you that we will teach him not to fight so that he won't fight like Tobias & I sometimes fight. And we thank you.."
Me or Ryan: "Okay, you know what? I think that's good for today... let's just wrap it up..."
Precious One: "And God, please just bring him here really soon. Amen."
AMEN!! SO BE IT!!
Every night as we pray together she faithfully prays for her little brother who is coming "in like 3 days or something like that" (right, something like that...)
So, for your reading enjoyment, here's a snippet of her prayers put into one... She usually prays for a bit then gets to her main topic of prayer lately which goes something like this...
Precious One: "Dear God, we thank you that we are getting a new brother who will be younger than me but will be a boy like Tobias and probably sleep in his room in a bed, but maybe a crib, and who will fit in somewhere by our baby sister and who is coming from Ghana which is in Africa..."
Me or Ryan: "okay, pretty sure God's got that now, you can move on..."
Precious One: "And we just thank you he is going to come and just be with him as he is in Africa, keep him safe, and make sure he has good teeth..."
Me or Ryan: (Raising of eyebrows)
Precious One: "And thank you that he will have dark skin because he's from Africa. And we pray that he wouldn't love God..."
Me or Ryan: "Wait, wait, wait... you mean love God."
Precious One: "No, Mom, there are just some people who don't love God."
Me or Ryan: "Okay right, but we are going to tell him about God & how much God loves him, so we are praying that he would learn to love God..."
Precious One: (sigh...) "Okay, so we pray that we teach him how You love him & that he will learn to love you. And we thank you that we will teach him not to fight so that he won't fight like Tobias & I sometimes fight. And we thank you.."
Me or Ryan: "Okay, you know what? I think that's good for today... let's just wrap it up..."
Precious One: "And God, please just bring him here really soon. Amen."
AMEN!! SO BE IT!!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
who, what, where, when, WHY??
So last night was one of those moments - - the kind that every mom has, but we rarely talk about (which is a shame... but that's a whole 'nother post). I had a bit of a breakdown. Now I've had way, way worse - this didn't involved too many tears, but it involved a bad attitude and I admit, I was looking at things wrong; instead of choosing thankfulness, I chose discontentment. I was working in my kitchen & getting frustrated by the leaky faucet (it's been like that for months), the gnats flying around my head from the doors being left open by my kids, the dishes in the sink because the dishwasher hadn't been unloaded yet, the 2 loads of clean laundry yet to be folded... then I start thinking about the other 2 folded loads upstairs that need to be put away, not to mention the full hampers in all our rooms - well, you get my drift...and I'm sorry to admit that I took my bad attitude out on my husband mentioning all the things that need to get done, but don't seem to ever get done. And in that frustration I tell him "What are we doing? Why would we add another kid to this family?" Which really meant (because you all know women aren't always that great at saying what they are really thinking!): "Why are we choosing to add another hamper of laundry that needs to be washed, folded, & put away and another sinkful of dishes? Why more uncapped markers & broken crayons? Why would we want to add to the growing stack of half-finished drawings from the kids and the scattered toys throughout the house? Or the potential to have another child who has to go to the bathroom every 2 blocks that we walk away from our house to the point that we have to map out our walks so we go by houses we know?" (this may or may not have also happened last night...)
So, those are all valid, good questions & when people ask us "WHY?" I know those are the things they are really thinking. But here's what happened an hour after my meltdown... I rocked my baby girl to sleep in my arms... I laid in bed with TJ 1 & TJ 2 and talked about all the fun we had that day at the zoo with our grandma & cousins, about playing outside & the good books we read that day... And I remembered as I gave them good-night hugs & kisses and walked downstairs to find the house all picked up & my husband scrubbing dishes at the sink that THESE are the better things - the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely & admirable, excellent & praiseworthy (Phillipians 4:8). The things we desire & have committed to choosing in our lives...
So while our "Why?" entails a desire for a brother for our son, a playmate for littlest one, another son to love on for Ryan & I ... it also entails choosing the better thing. Because there are so many children who go to bed at night & may not be able to pinpoint a highlight of their day or may not get all the snuggling & hugs & kisses that my kids are getting, and Ryan & I know that we can do that - we can provide those things for another child. So really, "WHY NOT?"
So, those are all valid, good questions & when people ask us "WHY?" I know those are the things they are really thinking. But here's what happened an hour after my meltdown... I rocked my baby girl to sleep in my arms... I laid in bed with TJ 1 & TJ 2 and talked about all the fun we had that day at the zoo with our grandma & cousins, about playing outside & the good books we read that day... And I remembered as I gave them good-night hugs & kisses and walked downstairs to find the house all picked up & my husband scrubbing dishes at the sink that THESE are the better things - the things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely & admirable, excellent & praiseworthy (Phillipians 4:8). The things we desire & have committed to choosing in our lives...
So while our "Why?" entails a desire for a brother for our son, a playmate for littlest one, another son to love on for Ryan & I ... it also entails choosing the better thing. Because there are so many children who go to bed at night & may not be able to pinpoint a highlight of their day or may not get all the snuggling & hugs & kisses that my kids are getting, and Ryan & I know that we can do that - we can provide those things for another child. So really, "WHY NOT?"
Sunday, May 27, 2012
So excited to finally announce....
So you may or may not know that Ryan & I, but Ryan specifically, have spent a significant time of "life before marriage" (do you remember that time? It's when you could do whatever you want, whenever you want... vaguely? me too...) in Uganda, East Africa. In fact, we were engaged right on a beautiful beach at the edge of the Indian Ocean in Mombasa, Kenya (yep, that's the pic I posted). What I can tell you is that God planted a desire for adoption on my heart before I even went to Africa or met Ryan in Indianapolis (or before adoption became "popular"), but even during our engagement & for years after when I would share this, Ryan just wasn't feeling it. He felt that if you are able to have your own children, then that's what God called you to - why do more? So fast really forward to 2009, post second child, and we both start wondering if we should go for a third or not. At some point in there I again asked Ryan if his thoughts on adoption had changed & they hadn't; so I realized that God was asking me to lay it down, to give it to Him completely... and that's what I did. So much so that I felt His confirmation in my heart in deciding to have another child from my own body again - which isn't my favorite thing to do truthfully. (While I love the end-result, the pregnancy part isn't my cup of tea; little did I know, this pregnancy would be my worst one yet!!)
So 5 months into my pregnancy (thankfully I wasn't quite yet on bedrest!), we were out to dinner & Ryan tells me he's been wondering "If 3, why not 4? Why not make it even?" I'm already a little shocked at this point - I mean, 4?!?! This was never on "the agenda" when we got married - we said 2, maybe 3, but never 4!! (Pretty sure God just loves laughing when we use that word "never"...) Anyway, the next thing out of his mouth is "And I'm thinking we should adopt." ............. (Insert stunned silence here)........... The truth is I wasn't just surprised by this announcement, I was angry!! Here I sat, BODY stretched this way & that by another child that we had prayed for & prayed over, HEART having given up the notion of adoption because I thought that's what God was asking of me, and MIND wondering how on earth my husband came up with the idea of having more than 3 children.... Not sure what I eventually said but something that went along with the mumbling cliche "I need to pray about it" which translates into "God's going to have to move a mountain in my life to get me to agree to what you are saying".
And so God gave me time, a lot of time actually..time to lay on my left side on the coach & just pray - to surrender not only my will, but to lay down my husband, my children, my strive for perfection & my struggle with daily failure, my earthly temptations & my "heaven is my home" desires... and it lead me to a place where I knew if God had been faithful to "move a mountain" & bring my husband to this conclusion then He would carry us through whatever else He brought our way. I knew He had already blessed us beyond what we could ask or imagine and we both knew we were capable of providing for another child financially, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually - how could I ignore the millions of orphans who were in need of all of those very things??
And so God gave me time, a lot of time actually..time to lay on my left side on the coach & just pray - to surrender not only my will, but to lay down my husband, my children, my strive for perfection & my struggle with daily failure, my earthly temptations & my "heaven is my home" desires... and it lead me to a place where I knew if God had been faithful to "move a mountain" & bring my husband to this conclusion then He would carry us through whatever else He brought our way. I knew He had already blessed us beyond what we could ask or imagine and we both knew we were capable of providing for another child financially, physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually - how could I ignore the millions of orphans who were in need of all of those very things??
So over the next months, despite bedrest, despite a newborn & all that brings, despite my body still recovering from the pregnancy, despite adjusting to life with 3 kids, etc., we have continued to feel that pull. It's hard to describe really unless you've been through it - almost like this "nagging thought" that there is a little boy out there who, perhaps despite not realizing it yet, is waiting for you... and kind-of like this "itching feeling" to hurry up & get there to him, whoever/wherever he is. So months & months later, we have finally decided where to adopt from & which agency to adopt with. This process will continue to take time, lots & lots of time; which means it will also be another "thing" in my life to strip me of my desire to control time. (I anticipate this being one of my greatest struggles in my journey against time thus far.) If you are looking for concrete numbers, we are most likely looking at 12-18 months until we arrive back on US soil with our new son in our arms. (yep, I'm getting that itching feeling in my arms again just imagining that homecoming!!!) And if you want to know what you can do during that time, you can pray - pray that God's will would be done in our family... pray that we wouldn't be afraid, but that in faith we would take a step, and another, and another...pray for the little one that is waiting - for health physically, emotionally & spiritually.
Well, whew... you made it to the end of my first post! Thanks for hanging in there; we appreciate all who take the time to keep up with us through this blog. You may have a dozen questions & I hope to answer some of them during my next posts. For now, we hope you'll join us in eagerly anticipating the arrival of the next "T" "J" Rupp!!
Well, whew... you made it to the end of my first post! Thanks for hanging in there; we appreciate all who take the time to keep up with us through this blog. You may have a dozen questions & I hope to answer some of them during my next posts. For now, we hope you'll join us in eagerly anticipating the arrival of the next "T" "J" Rupp!!
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