Doing the Hard

I find it ironic that in life we somehow equate "easy" "normal" & "comfortable" with something or someone being "good".  Since when does that actually make sense?!?!

In fact, in terms of adoption, this notion is a stumbling block for Christians especially.  Have you heard it before?  

"Oh adoption isn't really for us.  Too many kids come out of it with issues."  

"There's no way we would ever adopt. I mean, have you SEEN the kids that are adopted?  It rarely works out good."

And I could sit here & throw the "Your bio kids have the same chance of ending up with issues" card back in their face, but in the end I think the root of it all goes much deeper than just that...

The root is about what we define as a "good kid".... 

Is a good kid the kid who easily gets through school with A's & B's???  

Is a good kid the kid who has lots of friends & is socially not considered "awkward"???

Is a good kid the kid that we don't feel "weird" around???

Is a good kid the kid that doesn't ask hard questions that we struggle to answer???

Is a good kid the kid who we don't have to talk about hard stuff with???

Is a good kid the one who turns out just like us & fits into our "box"??

How do we define good????????

Maybe I'm alone here or maybe it's just me getting older, but more & more I'm seeing that the "good" isn't always easy & hard isn't always "bad"....

It starts when you watch a bad situation in your life turn your character into something beautiful.  

It starts when you watch your friend's little son's cancer produce awe-inspiring things in the life of their family. 

It starts when you watch your mom be a caregiver all of her life to a Down Syndrome sister, a handicapped brother & a head-injury mom, and yet she still gives & gives & gives & gives.

It starts when you watch a child who, had he not been brought into a loving family, would have been stuck in an ongoing world of abuse & neglect.  Does it "save" him?  turn him "good"?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  

So where does it end???

I guess I don't know.  And I'm willing to admit -  It might end in hard.  It might end in pain.... in heartache... separation... discomfort... .  

So do we all just throw our hands up & say "It's not worth it.  He didn't "turn out" good and I have hurts because of how hard it was" ??????

Man, I sure hope not.  Because if when I was hard & unloveable & living a life contrary to what my Lord wanted, He sure didn't give up on me.

It wasn't like "Well, she's good, so let's go ahead & choose to love her."  

It was more like: "Wow!  That one is a mess & when I look ahead into all the years of her life, she is still a mess who is so slow to catch onto what I'm teaching her.  I mean she is full-of-issues mess, but you know what?  I want to choose her & love her, and maybe, just maybe that love will mean more than any messed-up, issue-driven, hard that it's in her life."  

So, please people, let's stop using "hard" as an excuse.  I'm not saying everyone should adopt because Lord knows that I don't think that's the case!!  But to use "They might have issues & it might interrupt my vision of what good & happy & fun & comfort is all about."  No thanks.  

It's time to stop being afraid of the hard.  It's time to change our definition of good.  

Open Hands

I haven't written in forever.  No good excuses;  I just haven't known what to say.  I've typed a few times, ended up never really publishing every time & walked away again & again.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true.  Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months.  Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years.  With nothing to show for it except loss.  Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International.  While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana.  While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have.  Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full.  & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things?  What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts...  And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at.  Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up.  I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands.  I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.

What You Missed...

Hi Little One...
We had a fun family outing tonight & again, like other random times, I thought of you & how I can't wait for you to get here & be a part of our daily lives!!
It turns out that since we thought you were going to be from Ghana, we expected to know who you are by now... & even expected to have visited you at least once this summer, so we didn't make any summer vacation plans this year.  Now that things have changed, we're capitalizing on family time in different ways... like a family fun trip to the car wash....What?  You're wondering how that can be fun??



Because son, this??  This is quality time in action....

This is the kind of fun you have to look forward to when you have your own children.  Because it turns out that when you have kids, the very idea of having a clean van sounds exhilarating!  And when you get here, it will be even more fun -  because you'll not just be adding to the mess of the van, you'll be adding to the fun the kids had discovering lost toys under the seat, a couple fortunes from old Chinese cookies & chasing each other around the car wash parking lot.
Until one of them had to pee.... and nope, it wasn't baby girl (which would have been much easier being that she's still in diapers).  Instead it was your other sister... so things pretty much weren't as fun for her after that.  After that, she just sat on the car seat out on the parking lot with her legs crossed.
Which really is another thing I should mention:  When you come to join our family, the kids will have to teach you their fun trick of not going to the bathroom at home.  You'll have to talk to them about what their schedule is, but somehow they have it worked out where at least one always needs to go about 15-30 minutes after we leave the house.  So you'll have to work on figuring that out with them, but then we'll just add that to the list of fun things to do as a family when we are out & about.
Another thing the kids thought was fun at the car wash is the vacuuming hose.  Despite the fact that the carpet in the car is way dirtier than the carpet at our house, the suction of the car wash vacuum is a lot less than the vacuum at home.  So your baby sister thought it was a riot to put her fingers inside.  (Turns out mom didn't think it was quite as much fun picking all the grass, hair, & morsels of old, leftover food off the carpet & feeding it into the hose.)
Dad thought it was fun to do a quick wipe down of the plastic with some antibacterial wipes in the van.  At least, he said he had done it...   I'm sure he just thought the dried Cheerios & green sticky popsicle were part of the plastic of the van since it had been there so long...
So, yeah, you're missing out on some fun times.
But somehow I have a feeling when you get here things are going to get a lot more fun!
And don't worry - tomorrow afternoon we'll wonder when the last time the van got cleaned was anyway, so you know... more fun family car-wash times are in the future!

G.R.A.Y.

I know, it's been awhile... & it's not that adoption isn't on our hearts as fervently as it was "pre-Ghana-meltdown", it's that we are still working hard to get everything figured out... so keep hanging with us because I hope to have a more formal announcement about our new plans really soon...
In the meantime, I wanted to blog a bit about the gray issues of life - because we were faced with a lot of those lately within our adoption process, but really so many of us face them on a day by day basis...
You know what I'm talking about right?  Those decisions that aren't so black & white - no "go this way" versus "go that way".  A lot of life ends up in the gray unfortunately & we all try our darndest to make the (hopefully) best decision with the (hopefully) best results (or perhaps we don't try that hard to figure it out & don't care if it's the best decision & then most likely we don't end up with the best results... yep, we've all been there a time or two - not my best places for sure...)
  The summer after I graduated from college, I headed up to Miracle Camp as a counselor (one of the best places on Earth by far... like "You have just made it through your crazy school year, what are you going to do?!" "Go to Miracle Camp!!!" kind of place...)  So back in the day, the counselors would run these "workshops" for our high school camp week (basically a 20 minute class with some type of life skill) & a few of us got together &  decided to come up with a class to help the kids learn to think critically about all the gray issues in life.  Thus, G.R.A.Y. was born....
(And quite possibly no one remembers this class or the G.R.A.Y. tools we put together, but turns out I needed it too back then...and turns out I still need it!!)
So here's what we did back then: After naming a bunch of  "gray issues" (for example, the Bible never says "Thou shall not smoke" or "Thou shall not have sex before marriage" or "Thou shall only listen to music that says the word 'God' in it") , we talked through an acronym using the word "gray" to help figure out how to get through those issues...
G - - Go to God (Start by praying, end by praying, pretty much, pray your way through it - if you aren't asking for wisdom, you're not going to get it...)
R - - Read the Word (While, you may not find an out & out answer to your question, you can find a lot to point you in the right direction...For example, one of my favs in high school was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body.")
A - - Ask people you trust (This doesn't mean the man at the grocery store that you see once a week, (though I sure do love my produce guy at Kroger)... I'm talking about who you really respect in life, who you   really look up to in life...  It might be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a counselor or maybe the produce man happens to be your dad anyway, which is great for a number of reasons...moving on...
Y - - Here's what's really sad - I can't think of what the Y stood for.  So if anyone was in that class 12 years ago & took intricate notes & then kept those notes preserved & you happen to be reading this, let me know! (I just know so many people will be jumping at this opportunity to help me out!)  And if anyone can think of anything that even sounds remotely good, you are more than welcome to share that as well....

So that was G.R.A.Y. then... as for now -- well, now, the basic premise holds true, it's just that the issues have gotten more complex.  When I put myself back in high school, the issues I first mentioned were plenty tough to deal with (& unfortunately along my high school & college ways, I didn't always remember - or rather, chose to ignore G.R.A.Y.), but it definitely feels like the issues then were more internal, more personal - yeah, they influenced other people, but not to the extent they do now.  You factor in having kids & now it's like "We want another child but have been advised not to have one on our own - do we pursue adoption?" or "Should we adopt in country or internationally? within our own race boundaries or transracially?"  or lately, "Should we pursue an adoption in such & such country?" And then the always follow up - "And how in the world is this going to affect the 3 children we already have?????"
So we've gone through G.R.A.Y. alot during this adoption process......
And we also have had many nights, especially lately, when we have hardly slept...
But I figure no one wants to hear about how we laid in the dark for hours watching the minutes tick by so let's just end on the easier to explain G.R.A.Y. note.  You're welcome.

Becoming part of the solution...

Well, it's been a week....
I want to protect people & agencies, but this past week we had to say NO to a 3 year old in Ghana & then while trying to pursue a 5 month old in Uganda, found out that another family got matched to him first - by a matter of hours...
Whoa...
And I want to make a couple things clear in that last sentence (the one before the "Whoa" that is...)...
First, the 3 year old & the agency he was with was NOT our agency & a number of things started not sitting right with us as we found out more information (for example, & this is just the tip of the iceberg - we were first shown his picture with no information other than an approximate age.  I will explain why that didn't sit right with us in the next paragraph.)  Initially, it felt exciting, but see, international adoption can be tricky, especially in African countries where often there isn't a certain set of rules & guidelines that are to be followed.  So unfortunately, it can leave room for disturbing things such as trafficking, corruption motivated by money, & essentially actions that don't keep the best interest of the child in mind.  In other words, you can either become part of the solution to the 147 million orphans around the world (for whom international adoption is a just a part of the process of them becoming placed into families), or you can just be one who adds to the problem that is international adoption & make things slow down for everyone, harming the children along the way.... All along we have desired to become part of the solution.  We are a family who recognize our desire for another child PLUS we recognize there are millions of children around the world who desire a family.  And while that seems like an easy enough match, it doesn't always happen that easily.  So along the way we have been very committed to an ethical adoption which means we have had to move slower...which means we have to be careful to cross every "T" & dot every "I"... which means that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy in all the fact checking!!  First we check on the agency - (for example, looking for reviews from other adoptive parents, asking if the agency is doing any orphan care in country besides simply international adoption, asking about who they work with in country, their financial status as an agency, etc.).  Next we check into the orphan himself - (for example, why were they orphaned, is there anyone in the extended family who would want this child, has their been opportunity for the child to be placed with a family in country, etc.)  And then we recheck it all again.... So when we did all this to the 3 year old in Ghana basically things felt shaky & we knew we needed to say NO....
And it wasn't hard really, but it still felt really sad...  Because sometimes becoming part of the solution doesn't equal out the way you hoped it would.
The second thing I want to clear up is in regards to the little boy in Uganda - it was unique situation any way you looked at it.  And again, I have to protect him, his new family, his mother, etc. so I can't share many details, but just know that this was a rare case where an infant was available because of some very harsh circumstances.  And then once you could look past the difficult situation that orphaned him, you had to come to grips with the fact that Uganda adoption in general is risky in terms of the way it is going.  They have had a large amount of corruption & unfortunately a lot of that is also within those processing the adoptions in country.  (Plus then you hope to have a judge sensitive to international adoption & there was one there, but he was in the process of transferring out so we were going to be in a major rush to get all our paperwork transferred not to mention a major financial step.)  But through prayer, discussion & a bunch of those checks & rechecks again, we felt okay to move forward....  Just in time for another family to claim him hours before we did.
Ohhhhhh...kay...
Now one thing that helped with the hurt in the Uganda process was that we were never given his picture.  In fact I specifically requested that they NOT show us his picture.  For me that creates an emotional connection that I didn't want to have present when making this decision.  Ryan seems to be able to not get as attached, but in my opinion, especially for women, it's just part of the problem again, not part of the solution.  Once you see a picture it's hard to not immediately think you should take that child.  The hopelessness in their eyes is near unbearable to look at... But that child may not be the one who is best for your family, not to mention the checking & rechecking about his orphan status.  On the other hand, I believe that when we receive a referral & have the full story & feel more certainty with moving forward to adopt whoever that little one is- that referral picture will become one of the dearest things of our entire life.
So, that's the past week plus of our lives adoption-wise (really it started 2 weeks ago, but just ended about a week ago...)
And we're moving on... pressing on... persevering on in this journey with no end in site.  All because we hope to become part of the solution.
I guess only time will show how it all equals out!

It's Gonna Be Worth It All...

I would say this song pretty much sums it up...
And it is well worth 5 minutes of your time....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnf21GC2aBQ

Amen...

Thoughts I'm thinking...

It's been awhile since I wrote on here, & I know a lot of people have been wondering & asking me "Where are you at now?" since everything got really fuzzy back 3 weeks ago... Well, we are kind-of in the same spot (which is part of why I haven't written in awhile)... And more than that, I'm still having difficulty processing everything myself (as is Ryan), so it makes it even more hard to explain to someone else....
But here are random thoughts I've had in the last few weeks:
THOUGHT 1:  I'm thankful that when I truly don't know what to say in my prayers, I can cry out "Daddy, Abba, Father!" & the Spirit intercedes for me knowing exactly where my heart is....
THOUGHT 2:  I'm wondering why I ever thought a Floatable Alphabet was necessary for the kids' bathtime.  I mean seriously, can the kid just have fun once in awhile?  Why do we think we need to use every moment including splashing in the water to try to make them smarter or give them an edge??  "Oh you want to know why my son was reading before kindergarten?  Well, we have this great alphabet set that sticks to the walls of the bathtub for like 5 seconds before falling off...." 
THOUGHT 3:  I'm thinking that God is still impressing the desire for another child on both Ryan & I's hearts.  So knowing it's still there at least gives us a push to keep moving forward...
THOUGHT 4:  I'm thinking that international adoption is a big, crazy mess.  And it is, it just is... listen, domestic adoption is hard enough without imposing a whole 'nother country into the mix.  You do that & you just are destined for more work & more hardship.  You go ahead & try with a country from Africa where they are still very much figuring out the role of government within their country & well, it's even that much MORE work & MORE hardship... (For example, we recently found out that the woman who issued the suspensions of adoptions in Ghana does not have a legal right to impose that suspension. So while obviously it's likely the possibility of a true suspension or legal changes related to adoption is going to have to be addressed soon in Ghana, for now the suspension isn't playing out in country near the way this minister would have hoped.  Many regional directors are still going through all that needs to be done to legalize the adoption on their end.)
[BTW - for more information on the craziness that is international adoption right now go to http://buy.stuckdocumentary.com/.  This is a site dedicated to the new documentary making waves called "Stuck".  It's the perfect title for so very many families & so very many, many children.....]
THOUGHT 5:  I'm also wondering why, oh why, my house is getting dirtier when we are in it less???  It's always the most frustrating part of the summer for me - home a lot less, dirtier a lot more...Coincidently, my 5 year old daughter wrote on my mother's day card this year the following: "My mommy is good at... cleaning.  My mommy likes to.... clean.  My mommy is often... cleaning."  (Which is kind-of humorous yet sweet except that my husband was laughing really hard for some reason....)
THOUGHT 6:  I've been thinking a lot about loss & how (or in many times, if...) we allow ourselves to experience loss.  One of the best gifts my mother has shown me as I've become a mom is the "right to grieve a loss".  She has a good friend who is a counselor & who gave that gift to her... She always says that we need to "grieve our losses". 
All of us go through loss of something or someone in our lifetime & whether society would call them "big" or "small" does not matter.  What matters is that thing or that idea or that dream or that person was important to us.  And I'm learning that if we don't grieve the loss, we end up stuck - whether it's stuck being bitter, stuck in the past, stuck in our frustration, stuck in our "What If's?"....
It's been said there are 5 stages to grief & the person who can accept the loss often goes through those stages to varying degrees to reach the end...
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5)  Acceptance
Last week I finally realized that I had been doing this.  I was starting a grieving process as we are faced with a very real "loss" in terms of our dreams of adopting from Ghana & it keeps hitting me every week that goes by with no real news for us.  That dream meant that we were sure we would be traveling there at least once by the end of this summer (which means we were saving up vacation time for that & now that it's not here, we are scrambling to figure out what to even do this summer!)... That dream meant that by now we would at least know who "he" was - have a face, a name.... That dream meant we would stay with the same agency, same country all through the adoption even if (when) we encountered some paperwork issue later on in the process, then we would fight & get through it with a son in tow returning home joyfully before Christmas of this year... It didn't seem to farfetched to me or to others in terms of how Ghana had been running.  But you all know it's not like that now & while it's still going (& for that I'm so grateful!), it's not looking all that steady for people like us who have yet to be matched to a child (whether through a referral or finding a waiting child) plus there are certainly a lot of slowdowns right now in general & uncertainty for the future all the way around.  Initially when we heard the news I was well into Stage 1,  "God will change her heart", "It's not really happening the way we are hearing".... pretty quickly I moved to stage 2 & 3 together I think - - "well we just hang on because it guaranteed to work out in the end"... or frustration at organizations & people at every end of the spectrum... Stage 4 started hitting last week, I cried to a friend of mine who is a teacher in the middle of the school day... No, I really did - like, there she is with her class behind her & for what I think was a good 10 minutes after she had asked me "How is it going?" I start talking & then crying & then I look behind her & see all those kids & think "Oh my word, what is wrong with me??".   (She was so gracious by the way - kudos to her for not interrupting me with a "So, I have 26 first graders I'm in charge of? Remember those???")  I cried earlier that week too a number of times with Ryan & then on Friday it was pretty much a meltdown all day so that by the end of the day I had swollen tissue all around my eyes & really, let's be honest, my whole face... And then I had to attempt to cover that up so we could attend a graduation party & then my son's baseball game... not pretty people...literally...
I think I'm still there to a degree, but there is a little more fight back in my right now as we continue to pursue all our various options again.  We constantly pray for direction, for wisdom, for peace.  And we aren't going to move from where we are until we feel that clarity (which we all know could take awhile, so pretty much, I need to sit back & buckle my seat belt...)

So here's my thought on this lately  - it's not just me.  I'm not the only one going through loss right now.  I've talked to friends these past weeks & realized how very often we have to do this in our lives.  It's not just like one time in your life, it's like over & over & over again.... Your child didn't make the cheerleading team or the traveling soccer team?  Well, she may need to accept the loss, and then maybe you do too because you had hoped she would follow in your foot steps...  You found out that you or someone in your family is facing a devastating illness?  That's just pretty much going to blow you off your feet & if you don't deal with the loss, it's going to leave you knocked down....  You realized that someone close to you isn't who you thought they were or that the relationship you had with someone isn't what you thought it was?  That's really tough stuff & you have to admit the depth of that loss in your life...  Your house isn't as clean as you wish (as indicated by the things your little daughter is picking up... & usually eating... off the floor)?  It's a loss of what you thought so admit that it's dirty, that it's not what you hoped it would be, & go outside & have fun with your kids...
Sorry, just had to throw that one in there...
Anyway... The truth is - it's real to you, so grieve it - - - grieve it so you can come to stage 5 - - - grieve it so you can accept it & grieve it so you can move on....