On our Christmas card this year we included a beautiful quote I found by Hamilton Wright Mabie (Don't ask me who he is, just liked the quote!!
"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy on love."
Don't you just love that? My favorite part is the use of the word "conspiracy"... It makes me imagine an underground movement bent on secretly transforming the world.
In actuality, the word itself is defined as a secret plot to do something unlawful. At first this is a little off-putting, especially for a first-born, Type A, look like you have it together & "stay in line" kind-of-girl.
But on the other hand, it feels a little exciting & risque to be a part of it in a "I'm coming to get you" sort-of-way.
Our nation is WAY too transfixed this holiday season with reality TV controversy, divisions that tear us apart, & definitions of self that end up limiting the whole of who we are that I think we are majorly missing out on something so fun and so incredibly sneaky about the "unlawfulness" of love.
When God sent His Son, He sent Him to transform & to engage. And while Scripture says He came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17), it wasn't in the way that meet every politically & religiously correct idea that people expected & most ended up requiring to the point of death. No, in fact, He came to break beyond the barrier of law. Do you get how powerful this is??? In other words...
God started a big, unlawful conspiracy the night He sent His Son.
But the word conspiracy also indicates a group of people all "in on it"; meaning it takes more than one person. And while we can certainly say this conspiracy has grown over time, I'm not so sure that it's growing anymore. It's like we somehow lost parts of it along the way. I'm not sure if it's the divisiveness of the conspiracy (after all, Jesus walked into the temple & literally kicked people out who didn't have their hearts aligned with the heart of what God designed & purposed in what can be described as abrasive to say the least!!...Matthew 21:12) or if it's the extent of the conspiracy (For God so loved THE WORLD that He sent His Son!!... John 3:16), but somewhere along the way it's like we thought we have to have one or the other - either show our rebellious, divisive side or go over the top in a lovey, dovey "We Are The World" type of way.
Here's my deal: What's so wrong about both??? I've seen it done. It's just that it's getting kind-of rare.
This past year, I've been praying that I would really learn how to do both really well, & it's still a big part of how I'm approaching this new year. You see, it's not an overnight "Now I've got it!" type of thing. It's a daily thing...And sometimes it's a "I messed up, I'm sorry" type of thing... But it's also a "get back up & try again" thing & a "live in the joy of it" type of thing.
And I for one am super excited to see what God can do with a life ready to join in on the conspiracy in 2014.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Changing Course... (kind-of)
(Below is an excerpt from a blog post I started on 7/24/13, but just now realized I never published. As we approach yet another holiday without a firm "this is happening" in our adoption process, I'm reading it now realizing that 1) A lot of our friends in other states/countries may still not know the news below
(although I did make a mention of it in the "Open Hands" post you can read) & 2) It's all happening again - the changing course thing I mean (more to come on that)... & so because I want to keep our family & friends up to date & because I want to chronicle this journey, here it is...)
"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the Lord who directs his steps."
Over a year ago we started this journey, not knowing how it would go exactly, but believing we would someday walk into our local airport holding our Ghanian son. There was no indication when we started that we would be where we are now...
Now, we find ourselves on 2 lists in 2 different countries... but let me back up...
When the director of health suspended all adoptions within Ghana there was a lot of confusion over what authority she even had over adoption. While we still have not heard why she decided to do this exactly, we do understand the confusion of authority because we have witnessed the confusion of power in Africa in general. And let me tell you, it can get really confusing!!! And the truth is, if it isn't handled right, it can get really scary... Ghana has a had a relative stable history in terms of peaceful government, and while the suspension has felt frustrating, ultimately we keep praying that the underlying tension will be worked out peacefully - no matter how long it takes.
But back to the suspension because while it is out there, many regional directors are still processing adoptions, so children who were already matched are still eventually getting visas to come home. And we have even heard of a referral since this suspension. In the past month, there has been a slowing down - or more careful review - throughout the visa process especially, & it's been sad to watch those we "know" in the Ghana-adopt world struggle through the longer wait of these months. And just when it feels like the wait is going to go on forever, visas get processed & children come home & it's such a cause of celebration!
And in all of this, we kept wondering what OUR place was, where OUR son was....
If you've kept up on the blog, you probably read part of our "meantime" process. Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago we made a more final decision. We signed on with Adoption Advocates International's Ethiopia program. This checked all the boxes that I previously mentioned in our other posts, and in the end, though Ehtiopia had gone through a slow-down as they refined their adoption process, it has recovered well & in, what seems to be, a better place/way. We were told that it would most likely be around 10 months (give or take) before we receive a referral. I have to be honest though, we don't put a lot of stock into time-tables anymore. When we started this process, it felt like we revolved around timetables- constantly asking people "How long did this part take?" "How long should we expect for that part?" Part of our growth process has been learning to say "In Your timing Lord, not ours, not theirs, not anyone else's." There are times that this hurts & feels really, really hard. And to be complete honest, while I so often am shouting "Hallelujah!"s when I hear of another Ghanian orphan arriving home because it's an answer to many prayers, I fight back tears because I wish it was us. I don't understand why we didn't start the process just a few months earlier, why we don't just up our age range & bring home an older child.... All options that would have been (or still are) available to us, but as we poured so much thought & prayer into this, this is where we felt God leading. So here we go...
following...
(Today, 12/23/12, I'm reflecting on how much has changed. Right now because of confidentiality reasons I can't explain much about the changes on our journey in the past month-plus... but yet so much of the above is still the same. Still waiting. Still perplexed as to how it will all turn out. And still following. & so for those of you who are our praying friends, please keep praying for us - especially in the next month. We have some big things happening regarding our adoption, & I will be anxious to share with you how God is leading when the time is right, but for now, just know we are very desperate for wisdom & guidance, and appreciate your prayers!)
(although I did make a mention of it in the "Open Hands" post you can read) & 2) It's all happening again - the changing course thing I mean (more to come on that)... & so because I want to keep our family & friends up to date & because I want to chronicle this journey, here it is...)
"In his heart a man plans his course, but it is the Lord who directs his steps."
Over a year ago we started this journey, not knowing how it would go exactly, but believing we would someday walk into our local airport holding our Ghanian son. There was no indication when we started that we would be where we are now...
Now, we find ourselves on 2 lists in 2 different countries... but let me back up...
When the director of health suspended all adoptions within Ghana there was a lot of confusion over what authority she even had over adoption. While we still have not heard why she decided to do this exactly, we do understand the confusion of authority because we have witnessed the confusion of power in Africa in general. And let me tell you, it can get really confusing!!! And the truth is, if it isn't handled right, it can get really scary... Ghana has a had a relative stable history in terms of peaceful government, and while the suspension has felt frustrating, ultimately we keep praying that the underlying tension will be worked out peacefully - no matter how long it takes.
But back to the suspension because while it is out there, many regional directors are still processing adoptions, so children who were already matched are still eventually getting visas to come home. And we have even heard of a referral since this suspension. In the past month, there has been a slowing down - or more careful review - throughout the visa process especially, & it's been sad to watch those we "know" in the Ghana-adopt world struggle through the longer wait of these months. And just when it feels like the wait is going to go on forever, visas get processed & children come home & it's such a cause of celebration!
And in all of this, we kept wondering what OUR place was, where OUR son was....
If you've kept up on the blog, you probably read part of our "meantime" process. Well, about 2 or 3 weeks ago we made a more final decision. We signed on with Adoption Advocates International's Ethiopia program. This checked all the boxes that I previously mentioned in our other posts, and in the end, though Ehtiopia had gone through a slow-down as they refined their adoption process, it has recovered well & in, what seems to be, a better place/way. We were told that it would most likely be around 10 months (give or take) before we receive a referral. I have to be honest though, we don't put a lot of stock into time-tables anymore. When we started this process, it felt like we revolved around timetables- constantly asking people "How long did this part take?" "How long should we expect for that part?" Part of our growth process has been learning to say "In Your timing Lord, not ours, not theirs, not anyone else's." There are times that this hurts & feels really, really hard. And to be complete honest, while I so often am shouting "Hallelujah!"s when I hear of another Ghanian orphan arriving home because it's an answer to many prayers, I fight back tears because I wish it was us. I don't understand why we didn't start the process just a few months earlier, why we don't just up our age range & bring home an older child.... All options that would have been (or still are) available to us, but as we poured so much thought & prayer into this, this is where we felt God leading. So here we go...
following...
(Today, 12/23/12, I'm reflecting on how much has changed. Right now because of confidentiality reasons I can't explain much about the changes on our journey in the past month-plus... but yet so much of the above is still the same. Still waiting. Still perplexed as to how it will all turn out. And still following. & so for those of you who are our praying friends, please keep praying for us - especially in the next month. We have some big things happening regarding our adoption, & I will be anxious to share with you how God is leading when the time is right, but for now, just know we are very desperate for wisdom & guidance, and appreciate your prayers!)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Doing the Hard
I find it ironic that in life we somehow equate "easy" "normal" & "comfortable" with something or someone being "good". Since when does that actually make sense?!?!
In fact, in terms of adoption, this notion is a stumbling block for Christians especially. Have you heard it before?
"Oh adoption isn't really for us. Too many kids come out of it with issues."
"There's no way we would ever adopt. I mean, have you SEEN the kids that are adopted? It rarely works out good."
And I could sit here & throw the "Your bio kids have the same chance of ending up with issues" card back in their face, but in the end I think the root of it all goes much deeper than just that...
The root is about what we define as a "good kid"....
Is a good kid the kid who easily gets through school with A's & B's???
Is a good kid the kid who has lots of friends & is socially not considered "awkward"???
Is a good kid the kid that we don't feel "weird" around???
Is a good kid the kid that doesn't ask hard questions that we struggle to answer???
Is a good kid the kid who we don't have to talk about hard stuff with???
Is a good kid the one who turns out just like us & fits into our "box"??
How do we define good????????
Maybe I'm alone here or maybe it's just me getting older, but more & more I'm seeing that the "good" isn't always easy & hard isn't always "bad"....
It starts when you watch a bad situation in your life turn your character into something beautiful.
It starts when you watch your friend's little son's cancer produce awe-inspiring things in the life of their family.
It starts when you watch your mom be a caregiver all of her life to a Down Syndrome sister, a handicapped brother & a head-injury mom, and yet she still gives & gives & gives & gives.
It starts when you watch a child who, had he not been brought into a loving family, would have been stuck in an ongoing world of abuse & neglect. Does it "save" him? turn him "good"? Maybe. Maybe not.
So where does it end???
I guess I don't know. And I'm willing to admit - It might end in hard. It might end in pain.... in heartache... separation... discomfort... .
So do we all just throw our hands up & say "It's not worth it. He didn't "turn out" good and I have hurts because of how hard it was" ??????
Man, I sure hope not. Because if when I was hard & unloveable & living a life contrary to what my Lord wanted, He sure didn't give up on me.
It wasn't like "Well, she's good, so let's go ahead & choose to love her."
It was more like: "Wow! That one is a mess & when I look ahead into all the years of her life, she is still a mess who is so slow to catch onto what I'm teaching her. I mean she is full-of-issues mess, but you know what? I want to choose her & love her, and maybe, just maybe that love will mean more than any messed-up, issue-driven, hard that it's in her life."
So, please people, let's stop using "hard" as an excuse. I'm not saying everyone should adopt because Lord knows that I don't think that's the case!! But to use "They might have issues & it might interrupt my vision of what good & happy & fun & comfort is all about." No thanks.
It's time to stop being afraid of the hard. It's time to change our definition of good.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Open Hands
I haven't written in forever. No good excuses; I just haven't known what to say. I've typed a few times, ended up never really publishing every time & walked away again & again.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true. Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months. Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years. With nothing to show for it except loss. Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International. While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana. While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have. Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full. & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things? What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts... And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at. Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up. I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands. I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.
"International adoption is like hiking a mountain in the rain in roller blades." (Lisa Harper)
Someone shared this quote with me, & I thought it was so appropriate & so true. Our baby girl is turning 2 in 2 months. Which means we've been on this journey for over 2 years & on the paperwork journey for nearly 2 years. With nothing to show for it except loss. Is that insane or what??
On that mountain we are like only 1/3 of the way there, plus we've lost the trail to the top...
So here's what's happened since I last posted about our adoption process (which was a long, long time ago)...
We are now on a list to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia with Adoption Advocates International. While we are still on a list to adopt a little boy from Ghana. While still feeling open to any other way to add to our 3 we have. Do you see why we feel off the "trail"?
As we finish up our dossier for Ethiopia (our last step of paperwork for now until anything would actually come from our waiting) we are in a really different place than where we were when we started paperwork for Ghana a year & a half ago.
We are standing with our faces turned up to our Lord... And our hands lifted... Palms up, empty & open... Willing... Waiting....
When we started way back when, I know we were seeking the Lord, but I think our hands were more full. & we were saying "Look God, we have this & this & this & we want this, can't you see what a great family we would be for a little boy who needs these things? What a perfect match!"
Now we are saying "Look God, we have nothing to give You, we are nothing without You, we are nothing in terms of deserving anything, but here's what we have - open hands, willing hearts... And if you want to fill them, we are willing; and if you decide not to, we will mourn but we'll stay open & willing."
So that's where we're at. Nothing much to report I guess, but definitely in a different place.
I still tear up whenever I have to tell someone about where we are at 2 years in... but then I see my hands opened up. I'm still thinking about "him" everyday... & then I reopen up my hands. I still tear up whenever I hear an adoption story that has found a "happy ending" in terms of getting "home" as a family... and then I lift up my open hands.
Monday, July 1, 2013
What You Missed...
Hi Little One...
We had a fun family outing tonight & again, like other random times, I thought of you & how I can't wait for you to get here & be a part of our daily lives!!
It turns out that since we thought you were going to be from Ghana, we expected to know who you are by now... & even expected to have visited you at least once this summer, so we didn't make any summer vacation plans this year. Now that things have changed, we're capitalizing on family time in different ways... like a family fun trip to the car wash....What? You're wondering how that can be fun??
Because son, this?? This is quality time in action....
This is the kind of fun you have to look forward to when you have your own children. Because it turns out that when you have kids, the very idea of having a clean van sounds exhilarating! And when you get here, it will be even more fun - because you'll not just be adding to the mess of the van, you'll be adding to the fun the kids had discovering lost toys under the seat, a couple fortunes from old Chinese cookies & chasing each other around the car wash parking lot.
Until one of them had to pee.... and nope, it wasn't baby girl (which would have been much easier being that she's still in diapers). Instead it was your other sister... so things pretty much weren't as fun for her after that. After that, she just sat on the car seat out on the parking lot with her legs crossed.
Which really is another thing I should mention: When you come to join our family, the kids will have to teach you their fun trick of not going to the bathroom at home. You'll have to talk to them about what their schedule is, but somehow they have it worked out where at least one always needs to go about 15-30 minutes after we leave the house. So you'll have to work on figuring that out with them, but then we'll just add that to the list of fun things to do as a family when we are out & about.
Another thing the kids thought was fun at the car wash is the vacuuming hose. Despite the fact that the carpet in the car is way dirtier than the carpet at our house, the suction of the car wash vacuum is a lot less than the vacuum at home. So your baby sister thought it was a riot to put her fingers inside. (Turns out mom didn't think it was quite as much fun picking all the grass, hair, & morsels of old, leftover food off the carpet & feeding it into the hose.)
Dad thought it was fun to do a quick wipe down of the plastic with some antibacterial wipes in the van. At least, he said he had done it... I'm sure he just thought the dried Cheerios & green sticky popsicle were part of the plastic of the van since it had been there so long...
So, yeah, you're missing out on some fun times.
But somehow I have a feeling when you get here things are going to get a lot more fun!
And don't worry - tomorrow afternoon we'll wonder when the last time the van got cleaned was anyway, so you know... more fun family car-wash times are in the future!
We had a fun family outing tonight & again, like other random times, I thought of you & how I can't wait for you to get here & be a part of our daily lives!!
It turns out that since we thought you were going to be from Ghana, we expected to know who you are by now... & even expected to have visited you at least once this summer, so we didn't make any summer vacation plans this year. Now that things have changed, we're capitalizing on family time in different ways... like a family fun trip to the car wash....What? You're wondering how that can be fun??
Because son, this?? This is quality time in action....
This is the kind of fun you have to look forward to when you have your own children. Because it turns out that when you have kids, the very idea of having a clean van sounds exhilarating! And when you get here, it will be even more fun - because you'll not just be adding to the mess of the van, you'll be adding to the fun the kids had discovering lost toys under the seat, a couple fortunes from old Chinese cookies & chasing each other around the car wash parking lot.
Until one of them had to pee.... and nope, it wasn't baby girl (which would have been much easier being that she's still in diapers). Instead it was your other sister... so things pretty much weren't as fun for her after that. After that, she just sat on the car seat out on the parking lot with her legs crossed.
Which really is another thing I should mention: When you come to join our family, the kids will have to teach you their fun trick of not going to the bathroom at home. You'll have to talk to them about what their schedule is, but somehow they have it worked out where at least one always needs to go about 15-30 minutes after we leave the house. So you'll have to work on figuring that out with them, but then we'll just add that to the list of fun things to do as a family when we are out & about.
Another thing the kids thought was fun at the car wash is the vacuuming hose. Despite the fact that the carpet in the car is way dirtier than the carpet at our house, the suction of the car wash vacuum is a lot less than the vacuum at home. So your baby sister thought it was a riot to put her fingers inside. (Turns out mom didn't think it was quite as much fun picking all the grass, hair, & morsels of old, leftover food off the carpet & feeding it into the hose.)
Dad thought it was fun to do a quick wipe down of the plastic with some antibacterial wipes in the van. At least, he said he had done it... I'm sure he just thought the dried Cheerios & green sticky popsicle were part of the plastic of the van since it had been there so long...
So, yeah, you're missing out on some fun times.
But somehow I have a feeling when you get here things are going to get a lot more fun!
And don't worry - tomorrow afternoon we'll wonder when the last time the van got cleaned was anyway, so you know... more fun family car-wash times are in the future!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
G.R.A.Y.
I know, it's been awhile... & it's not that adoption isn't on our hearts as fervently as it was "pre-Ghana-meltdown", it's that we are still working hard to get everything figured out... so keep hanging with us because I hope to have a more formal announcement about our new plans really soon...
In the meantime, I wanted to blog a bit about the gray issues of life - because we were faced with a lot of those lately within our adoption process, but really so many of us face them on a day by day basis...
You know what I'm talking about right? Those decisions that aren't so black & white - no "go this way" versus "go that way". A lot of life ends up in the gray unfortunately & we all try our darndest to make the (hopefully) best decision with the (hopefully) best results (or perhaps we don't try that hard to figure it out & don't care if it's the best decision & then most likely we don't end up with the best results... yep, we've all been there a time or two - not my best places for sure...)
The summer after I graduated from college, I headed up to Miracle Camp as a counselor (one of the best places on Earth by far... like "You have just made it through your crazy school year, what are you going to do?!" "Go to Miracle Camp!!!" kind of place...) So back in the day, the counselors would run these "workshops" for our high school camp week (basically a 20 minute class with some type of life skill) & a few of us got together & decided to come up with a class to help the kids learn to think critically about all the gray issues in life. Thus, G.R.A.Y. was born....
(And quite possibly no one remembers this class or the G.R.A.Y. tools we put together, but turns out I needed it too back then...and turns out I still need it!!)
So here's what we did back then: After naming a bunch of "gray issues" (for example, the Bible never says "Thou shall not smoke" or "Thou shall not have sex before marriage" or "Thou shall only listen to music that says the word 'God' in it") , we talked through an acronym using the word "gray" to help figure out how to get through those issues...
G - - Go to God (Start by praying, end by praying, pretty much, pray your way through it - if you aren't asking for wisdom, you're not going to get it...)
R - - Read the Word (While, you may not find an out & out answer to your question, you can find a lot to point you in the right direction...For example, one of my favs in high school was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body.")
A - - Ask people you trust (This doesn't mean the man at the grocery store that you see once a week, (though I sure do love my produce guy at Kroger)... I'm talking about who you really respect in life, who you really look up to in life... It might be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a counselor or maybe the produce man happens to be your dad anyway, which is great for a number of reasons...moving on...
Y - - Here's what's really sad - I can't think of what the Y stood for. So if anyone was in that class 12 years ago & took intricate notes & then kept those notes preserved & you happen to be reading this, let me know! (I just know so many people will be jumping at this opportunity to help me out!) And if anyone can think of anything that even sounds remotely good, you are more than welcome to share that as well....
So that was G.R.A.Y. then... as for now -- well, now, the basic premise holds true, it's just that the issues have gotten more complex. When I put myself back in high school, the issues I first mentioned were plenty tough to deal with (& unfortunately along my high school & college ways, I didn't always remember - or rather, chose to ignore G.R.A.Y.), but it definitely feels like the issues then were more internal, more personal - yeah, they influenced other people, but not to the extent they do now. You factor in having kids & now it's like "We want another child but have been advised not to have one on our own - do we pursue adoption?" or "Should we adopt in country or internationally? within our own race boundaries or transracially?" or lately, "Should we pursue an adoption in such & such country?" And then the always follow up - "And how in the world is this going to affect the 3 children we already have?????"
So we've gone through G.R.A.Y. alot during this adoption process......
And we also have had many nights, especially lately, when we have hardly slept...
But I figure no one wants to hear about how we laid in the dark for hours watching the minutes tick by so let's just end on the easier to explain G.R.A.Y. note. You're welcome.
In the meantime, I wanted to blog a bit about the gray issues of life - because we were faced with a lot of those lately within our adoption process, but really so many of us face them on a day by day basis...
You know what I'm talking about right? Those decisions that aren't so black & white - no "go this way" versus "go that way". A lot of life ends up in the gray unfortunately & we all try our darndest to make the (hopefully) best decision with the (hopefully) best results (or perhaps we don't try that hard to figure it out & don't care if it's the best decision & then most likely we don't end up with the best results... yep, we've all been there a time or two - not my best places for sure...)
The summer after I graduated from college, I headed up to Miracle Camp as a counselor (one of the best places on Earth by far... like "You have just made it through your crazy school year, what are you going to do?!" "Go to Miracle Camp!!!" kind of place...) So back in the day, the counselors would run these "workshops" for our high school camp week (basically a 20 minute class with some type of life skill) & a few of us got together & decided to come up with a class to help the kids learn to think critically about all the gray issues in life. Thus, G.R.A.Y. was born....
(And quite possibly no one remembers this class or the G.R.A.Y. tools we put together, but turns out I needed it too back then...and turns out I still need it!!)
So here's what we did back then: After naming a bunch of "gray issues" (for example, the Bible never says "Thou shall not smoke" or "Thou shall not have sex before marriage" or "Thou shall only listen to music that says the word 'God' in it") , we talked through an acronym using the word "gray" to help figure out how to get through those issues...
G - - Go to God (Start by praying, end by praying, pretty much, pray your way through it - if you aren't asking for wisdom, you're not going to get it...)
R - - Read the Word (While, you may not find an out & out answer to your question, you can find a lot to point you in the right direction...For example, one of my favs in high school was 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price, therefore honor God with your body.")
A - - Ask people you trust (This doesn't mean the man at the grocery store that you see once a week, (though I sure do love my produce guy at Kroger)... I'm talking about who you really respect in life, who you really look up to in life... It might be a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend, a counselor or maybe the produce man happens to be your dad anyway, which is great for a number of reasons...moving on...
Y - - Here's what's really sad - I can't think of what the Y stood for. So if anyone was in that class 12 years ago & took intricate notes & then kept those notes preserved & you happen to be reading this, let me know! (I just know so many people will be jumping at this opportunity to help me out!) And if anyone can think of anything that even sounds remotely good, you are more than welcome to share that as well....
So that was G.R.A.Y. then... as for now -- well, now, the basic premise holds true, it's just that the issues have gotten more complex. When I put myself back in high school, the issues I first mentioned were plenty tough to deal with (& unfortunately along my high school & college ways, I didn't always remember - or rather, chose to ignore G.R.A.Y.), but it definitely feels like the issues then were more internal, more personal - yeah, they influenced other people, but not to the extent they do now. You factor in having kids & now it's like "We want another child but have been advised not to have one on our own - do we pursue adoption?" or "Should we adopt in country or internationally? within our own race boundaries or transracially?" or lately, "Should we pursue an adoption in such & such country?" And then the always follow up - "And how in the world is this going to affect the 3 children we already have?????"
So we've gone through G.R.A.Y. alot during this adoption process......
And we also have had many nights, especially lately, when we have hardly slept...
But I figure no one wants to hear about how we laid in the dark for hours watching the minutes tick by so let's just end on the easier to explain G.R.A.Y. note. You're welcome.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Becoming part of the solution...
Well, it's been a week....
I want to protect people & agencies, but this past week we had to say NO to a 3 year old in Ghana & then while trying to pursue a 5 month old in Uganda, found out that another family got matched to him first - by a matter of hours...
Whoa...
And I want to make a couple things clear in that last sentence (the one before the "Whoa" that is...)...
First, the 3 year old & the agency he was with was NOT our agency & a number of things started not sitting right with us as we found out more information (for example, & this is just the tip of the iceberg - we were first shown his picture with no information other than an approximate age. I will explain why that didn't sit right with us in the next paragraph.) Initially, it felt exciting, but see, international adoption can be tricky, especially in African countries where often there isn't a certain set of rules & guidelines that are to be followed. So unfortunately, it can leave room for disturbing things such as trafficking, corruption motivated by money, & essentially actions that don't keep the best interest of the child in mind. In other words, you can either become part of the solution to the 147 million orphans around the world (for whom international adoption is a just a part of the process of them becoming placed into families), or you can just be one who adds to the problem that is international adoption & make things slow down for everyone, harming the children along the way.... All along we have desired to become part of the solution. We are a family who recognize our desire for another child PLUS we recognize there are millions of children around the world who desire a family. And while that seems like an easy enough match, it doesn't always happen that easily. So along the way we have been very committed to an ethical adoption which means we have had to move slower...which means we have to be careful to cross every "T" & dot every "I"... which means that sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy in all the fact checking!! First we check on the agency - (for example, looking for reviews from other adoptive parents, asking if the agency is doing any orphan care in country besides simply international adoption, asking about who they work with in country, their financial status as an agency, etc.). Next we check into the orphan himself - (for example, why were they orphaned, is there anyone in the extended family who would want this child, has their been opportunity for the child to be placed with a family in country, etc.) And then we recheck it all again.... So when we did all this to the 3 year old in Ghana basically things felt shaky & we knew we needed to say NO....
And it wasn't hard really, but it still felt really sad... Because sometimes becoming part of the solution doesn't equal out the way you hoped it would.
The second thing I want to clear up is in regards to the little boy in Uganda - it was unique situation any way you looked at it. And again, I have to protect him, his new family, his mother, etc. so I can't share many details, but just know that this was a rare case where an infant was available because of some very harsh circumstances. And then once you could look past the difficult situation that orphaned him, you had to come to grips with the fact that Uganda adoption in general is risky in terms of the way it is going. They have had a large amount of corruption & unfortunately a lot of that is also within those processing the adoptions in country. (Plus then you hope to have a judge sensitive to international adoption & there was one there, but he was in the process of transferring out so we were going to be in a major rush to get all our paperwork transferred not to mention a major financial step.) But through prayer, discussion & a bunch of those checks & rechecks again, we felt okay to move forward.... Just in time for another family to claim him hours before we did.
Ohhhhhh...kay...
Now one thing that helped with the hurt in the Uganda process was that we were never given his picture. In fact I specifically requested that they NOT show us his picture. For me that creates an emotional connection that I didn't want to have present when making this decision. Ryan seems to be able to not get as attached, but in my opinion, especially for women, it's just part of the problem again, not part of the solution. Once you see a picture it's hard to not immediately think you should take that child. The hopelessness in their eyes is near unbearable to look at... But that child may not be the one who is best for your family, not to mention the checking & rechecking about his orphan status. On the other hand, I believe that when we receive a referral & have the full story & feel more certainty with moving forward to adopt whoever that little one is- that referral picture will become one of the dearest things of our entire life.
So, that's the past week plus of our lives adoption-wise (really it started 2 weeks ago, but just ended about a week ago...)
And we're moving on... pressing on... persevering on in this journey with no end in site. All because we hope to become part of the solution.
I guess only time will show how it all equals out!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
It's Gonna Be Worth It All...
I would say this song pretty much sums it up...
And it is well worth 5 minutes of your time....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnf21GC2aBQ
Amen...
And it is well worth 5 minutes of your time....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnf21GC2aBQ
Amen...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Thoughts I'm thinking...
It's been awhile since I wrote on here, & I know a lot of people have been wondering & asking me "Where are you at now?" since everything got really fuzzy back 3 weeks ago... Well, we are kind-of in the same spot (which is part of why I haven't written in awhile)... And more than that, I'm still having difficulty processing everything myself (as is Ryan), so it makes it even more hard to explain to someone else....
But here are random thoughts I've had in the last few weeks:
THOUGHT 1: I'm thankful that when I truly don't know what to say in my prayers, I can cry out "Daddy, Abba, Father!" & the Spirit intercedes for me knowing exactly where my heart is....
THOUGHT 2: I'm wondering why I ever thought a Floatable Alphabet was necessary for the kids' bathtime. I mean seriously, can the kid just have fun once in awhile? Why do we think we need to use every moment including splashing in the water to try to make them smarter or give them an edge?? "Oh you want to know why my son was reading before kindergarten? Well, we have this great alphabet set that sticks to the walls of the bathtub for like 5 seconds before falling off...."
THOUGHT 3: I'm thinking that God is still impressing the desire for another child on both Ryan & I's hearts. So knowing it's still there at least gives us a push to keep moving forward...
THOUGHT 4: I'm thinking that international adoption is a big, crazy mess. And it is, it just is... listen, domestic adoption is hard enough without imposing a whole 'nother country into the mix. You do that & you just are destined for more work & more hardship. You go ahead & try with a country from Africa where they are still very much figuring out the role of government within their country & well, it's even that much MORE work & MORE hardship... (For example, we recently found out that the woman who issued the suspensions of adoptions in Ghana does not have a legal right to impose that suspension. So while obviously it's likely the possibility of a true suspension or legal changes related to adoption is going to have to be addressed soon in Ghana, for now the suspension isn't playing out in country near the way this minister would have hoped. Many regional directors are still going through all that needs to be done to legalize the adoption on their end.)
[BTW - for more information on the craziness that is international adoption right now go to http://buy.stuckdocumentary.com/. This is a site dedicated to the new documentary making waves called "Stuck". It's the perfect title for so very many families & so very many, many children.....]
THOUGHT 5: I'm also wondering why, oh why, my house is getting dirtier when we are in it less??? It's always the most frustrating part of the summer for me - home a lot less, dirtier a lot more...Coincidently, my 5 year old daughter wrote on my mother's day card this year the following: "My mommy is good at... cleaning. My mommy likes to.... clean. My mommy is often... cleaning." (Which is kind-of humorous yet sweet except that my husband was laughing really hard for some reason....)
THOUGHT 6: I've been thinking a lot about loss & how (or in many times, if...) we allow ourselves to experience loss. One of the best gifts my mother has shown me as I've become a mom is the "right to grieve a loss". She has a good friend who is a counselor & who gave that gift to her... She always says that we need to "grieve our losses".
All of us go through loss of something or someone in our lifetime & whether society would call them "big" or "small" does not matter. What matters is that thing or that idea or that dream or that person was important to us. And I'm learning that if we don't grieve the loss, we end up stuck - whether it's stuck being bitter, stuck in the past, stuck in our frustration, stuck in our "What If's?"....
It's been said there are 5 stages to grief & the person who can accept the loss often goes through those stages to varying degrees to reach the end...
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
Last week I finally realized that I had been doing this. I was starting a grieving process as we are faced with a very real "loss" in terms of our dreams of adopting from Ghana & it keeps hitting me every week that goes by with no real news for us. That dream meant that we were sure we would be traveling there at least once by the end of this summer (which means we were saving up vacation time for that & now that it's not here, we are scrambling to figure out what to even do this summer!)... That dream meant that by now we would at least know who "he" was - have a face, a name.... That dream meant we would stay with the same agency, same country all through the adoption even if (when) we encountered some paperwork issue later on in the process, then we would fight & get through it with a son in tow returning home joyfully before Christmas of this year... It didn't seem to farfetched to me or to others in terms of how Ghana had been running. But you all know it's not like that now & while it's still going (& for that I'm so grateful!), it's not looking all that steady for people like us who have yet to be matched to a child (whether through a referral or finding a waiting child) plus there are certainly a lot of slowdowns right now in general & uncertainty for the future all the way around. Initially when we heard the news I was well into Stage 1, "God will change her heart", "It's not really happening the way we are hearing".... pretty quickly I moved to stage 2 & 3 together I think - - "well we just hang on because it guaranteed to work out in the end"... or frustration at organizations & people at every end of the spectrum... Stage 4 started hitting last week, I cried to a friend of mine who is a teacher in the middle of the school day... No, I really did - like, there she is with her class behind her & for what I think was a good 10 minutes after she had asked me "How is it going?" I start talking & then crying & then I look behind her & see all those kids & think "Oh my word, what is wrong with me??". (She was so gracious by the way - kudos to her for not interrupting me with a "So, I have 26 first graders I'm in charge of? Remember those???") I cried earlier that week too a number of times with Ryan & then on Friday it was pretty much a meltdown all day so that by the end of the day I had swollen tissue all around my eyes & really, let's be honest, my whole face... And then I had to attempt to cover that up so we could attend a graduation party & then my son's baseball game... not pretty people...literally...
I think I'm still there to a degree, but there is a little more fight back in my right now as we continue to pursue all our various options again. We constantly pray for direction, for wisdom, for peace. And we aren't going to move from where we are until we feel that clarity (which we all know could take awhile, so pretty much, I need to sit back & buckle my seat belt...)
So here's my thought on this lately - it's not just me. I'm not the only one going through loss right now. I've talked to friends these past weeks & realized how very often we have to do this in our lives. It's not just like one time in your life, it's like over & over & over again.... Your child didn't make the cheerleading team or the traveling soccer team? Well, she may need to accept the loss, and then maybe you do too because you had hoped she would follow in your foot steps... You found out that you or someone in your family is facing a devastating illness? That's just pretty much going to blow you off your feet & if you don't deal with the loss, it's going to leave you knocked down.... You realized that someone close to you isn't who you thought they were or that the relationship you had with someone isn't what you thought it was? That's really tough stuff & you have to admit the depth of that loss in your life... Your house isn't as clean as you wish (as indicated by the things your little daughter is picking up... & usually eating... off the floor)? It's a loss of what you thought so admit that it's dirty, that it's not what you hoped it would be, & go outside & have fun with your kids...
Sorry, just had to throw that one in there...
Anyway... The truth is - it's real to you, so grieve it - - - grieve it so you can come to stage 5 - - - grieve it so you can accept it & grieve it so you can move on....
But here are random thoughts I've had in the last few weeks:
THOUGHT 1: I'm thankful that when I truly don't know what to say in my prayers, I can cry out "Daddy, Abba, Father!" & the Spirit intercedes for me knowing exactly where my heart is....
THOUGHT 2: I'm wondering why I ever thought a Floatable Alphabet was necessary for the kids' bathtime. I mean seriously, can the kid just have fun once in awhile? Why do we think we need to use every moment including splashing in the water to try to make them smarter or give them an edge?? "Oh you want to know why my son was reading before kindergarten? Well, we have this great alphabet set that sticks to the walls of the bathtub for like 5 seconds before falling off...."
THOUGHT 3: I'm thinking that God is still impressing the desire for another child on both Ryan & I's hearts. So knowing it's still there at least gives us a push to keep moving forward...
THOUGHT 4: I'm thinking that international adoption is a big, crazy mess. And it is, it just is... listen, domestic adoption is hard enough without imposing a whole 'nother country into the mix. You do that & you just are destined for more work & more hardship. You go ahead & try with a country from Africa where they are still very much figuring out the role of government within their country & well, it's even that much MORE work & MORE hardship... (For example, we recently found out that the woman who issued the suspensions of adoptions in Ghana does not have a legal right to impose that suspension. So while obviously it's likely the possibility of a true suspension or legal changes related to adoption is going to have to be addressed soon in Ghana, for now the suspension isn't playing out in country near the way this minister would have hoped. Many regional directors are still going through all that needs to be done to legalize the adoption on their end.)
[BTW - for more information on the craziness that is international adoption right now go to http://buy.stuckdocumentary.com/. This is a site dedicated to the new documentary making waves called "Stuck". It's the perfect title for so very many families & so very many, many children.....]
THOUGHT 5: I'm also wondering why, oh why, my house is getting dirtier when we are in it less??? It's always the most frustrating part of the summer for me - home a lot less, dirtier a lot more...Coincidently, my 5 year old daughter wrote on my mother's day card this year the following: "My mommy is good at... cleaning. My mommy likes to.... clean. My mommy is often... cleaning." (Which is kind-of humorous yet sweet except that my husband was laughing really hard for some reason....)
THOUGHT 6: I've been thinking a lot about loss & how (or in many times, if...) we allow ourselves to experience loss. One of the best gifts my mother has shown me as I've become a mom is the "right to grieve a loss". She has a good friend who is a counselor & who gave that gift to her... She always says that we need to "grieve our losses".
All of us go through loss of something or someone in our lifetime & whether society would call them "big" or "small" does not matter. What matters is that thing or that idea or that dream or that person was important to us. And I'm learning that if we don't grieve the loss, we end up stuck - whether it's stuck being bitter, stuck in the past, stuck in our frustration, stuck in our "What If's?"....
It's been said there are 5 stages to grief & the person who can accept the loss often goes through those stages to varying degrees to reach the end...
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance
Last week I finally realized that I had been doing this. I was starting a grieving process as we are faced with a very real "loss" in terms of our dreams of adopting from Ghana & it keeps hitting me every week that goes by with no real news for us. That dream meant that we were sure we would be traveling there at least once by the end of this summer (which means we were saving up vacation time for that & now that it's not here, we are scrambling to figure out what to even do this summer!)... That dream meant that by now we would at least know who "he" was - have a face, a name.... That dream meant we would stay with the same agency, same country all through the adoption even if (when) we encountered some paperwork issue later on in the process, then we would fight & get through it with a son in tow returning home joyfully before Christmas of this year... It didn't seem to farfetched to me or to others in terms of how Ghana had been running. But you all know it's not like that now & while it's still going (& for that I'm so grateful!), it's not looking all that steady for people like us who have yet to be matched to a child (whether through a referral or finding a waiting child) plus there are certainly a lot of slowdowns right now in general & uncertainty for the future all the way around. Initially when we heard the news I was well into Stage 1, "God will change her heart", "It's not really happening the way we are hearing".... pretty quickly I moved to stage 2 & 3 together I think - - "well we just hang on because it guaranteed to work out in the end"... or frustration at organizations & people at every end of the spectrum... Stage 4 started hitting last week, I cried to a friend of mine who is a teacher in the middle of the school day... No, I really did - like, there she is with her class behind her & for what I think was a good 10 minutes after she had asked me "How is it going?" I start talking & then crying & then I look behind her & see all those kids & think "Oh my word, what is wrong with me??". (She was so gracious by the way - kudos to her for not interrupting me with a "So, I have 26 first graders I'm in charge of? Remember those???") I cried earlier that week too a number of times with Ryan & then on Friday it was pretty much a meltdown all day so that by the end of the day I had swollen tissue all around my eyes & really, let's be honest, my whole face... And then I had to attempt to cover that up so we could attend a graduation party & then my son's baseball game... not pretty people...literally...
I think I'm still there to a degree, but there is a little more fight back in my right now as we continue to pursue all our various options again. We constantly pray for direction, for wisdom, for peace. And we aren't going to move from where we are until we feel that clarity (which we all know could take awhile, so pretty much, I need to sit back & buckle my seat belt...)
So here's my thought on this lately - it's not just me. I'm not the only one going through loss right now. I've talked to friends these past weeks & realized how very often we have to do this in our lives. It's not just like one time in your life, it's like over & over & over again.... Your child didn't make the cheerleading team or the traveling soccer team? Well, she may need to accept the loss, and then maybe you do too because you had hoped she would follow in your foot steps... You found out that you or someone in your family is facing a devastating illness? That's just pretty much going to blow you off your feet & if you don't deal with the loss, it's going to leave you knocked down.... You realized that someone close to you isn't who you thought they were or that the relationship you had with someone isn't what you thought it was? That's really tough stuff & you have to admit the depth of that loss in your life... Your house isn't as clean as you wish (as indicated by the things your little daughter is picking up... & usually eating... off the floor)? It's a loss of what you thought so admit that it's dirty, that it's not what you hoped it would be, & go outside & have fun with your kids...
Sorry, just had to throw that one in there...
Anyway... The truth is - it's real to you, so grieve it - - - grieve it so you can come to stage 5 - - - grieve it so you can accept it & grieve it so you can move on....
Thursday, May 2, 2013
In one minute....
In one minute the whole direction of your life can change...
Our family's just did....
Have you had this happen to you before? Probably you have but just in case you haven't - if you imagine someone standing straight in front of you & just punching you square in the gut, then yep, you got it.
That happened today.
In one minute, I read the email from our adoption coordinator. "...a directive has been issued from the ministry to the regional directors that all adoptions must be suspended in Ghana immediately"
And that was it. Just like that.
What it means is that we're waiting to hear back about what our options are at this point - hoping to hear some the end of this week & some next week. (By the way, you can't wait on 2 lists/2 countries - you have decide on one & go with it.)
What it means is that we will most likely not be with the Ghana program (if there will even be one after this week), especially since we hadn't even received a referral. In adoption terms, that means we are on the bottom of the dog pile.
What it also means is that we've "lost" a year of time, months of paperwork & a half of our adoption money that we had set aside. (I say "lost" because we won't ever get that back.)
And if I let my mind go there - on what it all means right now - well, I would be the one lost. Lost in regret, lost in anxiety, lost in despair...
But here's my "1000 Gifts" List:
First, I'm so thankful for the way God has been working on my heart the past week. If He hadn't I wouldn't have been able to hear this news today.
Second, I'm so thankful for my hubby - my steady hubby who trusts & loves so much better than I do.
Third, I'm thankful for my kids. Oh my darling children. I don't know how we will tell them. It will be quite a lesson on trust & hurt & trust again for them as well. The daily/nightly prayers they uttered on behalf of their "brother from Ghana" & the orphans of Ghana..... The African music that is played often in our house...(& was in fact, sung to by them even today after I heard the news - you better believe I was choking back tears the whole time.) At some point when we have some clearer direction we will share with them, but in the meantime we will keep praying with them for the dear little ones in Ghana & believe that nothing is wasted (if you haven't read my last post, now would be a good time to switch over there: http://www.livingloveeph5.blogspot.com/2013/04/nothing-is-wasted.html)
{{The above was written on Tuesday night, the night after we found out....continuing on with thoughts that I have had in the past 2 days since...}}
As of today, nothing has changed & really, I think there is still so much to process with all of this. This week is a waiting like we have never waited before (more like a waiting-on-pins-&-needles kind-of waiting). It still, as I type this & think over it all, makes me feel sick to my stomach & if I let it go on, could make me "lost" as I said before.
I am thinking on these things as I pray:
The main thing is that (& I'll just be honest here - this is going to be somewhat controversial & not sit well with everyone) it's true I believe in miracles & believe that God could completely change the heart of the National Minister in charge of all this. Really, I do.... but I think when I get wrapped up in praying for that & for some big huge miracle to occur, I'm missing what God is doing now, right now, in this situation. Sunday we had a phenomenal sermon about prayer based off Acts 4:23-31. The disciples had just been pulled into court & essentially told to stop talking about Jesus, and they decide to gather & pray. This is a pivotal point in their ministry & in that moment, everything hinged on their next decision. They sure must have had a "punch-in-the-gut" experience as they were faced with either death from talking or staying silent about the Lord who had changed their lives & commanded them to "Preach the Gospel". If you study that prayer, there is very little supplication (or asking/telling God what to do/how to do it). The majority of the prayer begins with acknowledging who God is, in other words, His character, and also acknowledging what He has done & said in the past, His faithfulness.... There is once verse in there asking for boldness (vs. 29) but everything else is just praises & expressed confidence in who God is & that His will is what will prevail. As I type this, all I can think is, "Teach me Lord"..... "Teach me to pray like that! To be so sure & confident in You that I don't have to go asking for something all the time. To be so sure & confident in You that I know you will do what is for our good, for the good of the children in Ghana & for Your glory according to Your time & Your purposes." I want that more than anything else.... you know what friends? I want that more than I want another child. And that is really, really hard to say right now, but it's the cry of my heart & it's the lifting up of my hands & it's the laying down of my will & it's the bowing of my knees.... Your will Lord Jesus, not based on what I wish would happen, not based on what I think would be the best way or the good way, but based on who YOU are!!
To be honest, it's been hard to not just want to hole up & want to take time to process all of this - I'm having to force myself to keep going, keep getting out. Yesterday I went on a walk with my little one, & my sister & 3 of my nieces. The 2 older ones were riding their bike & it was a bit of a trek... We had instructed them to stop at each of the corners to take a break & wait for us slow mommies to catch up. At some point in one of the blocks, they stopped at a nice shady spot because they said they wanted a break. Quickly we had caught up to them & they had to get back on their bikes & then go just a short distance to the corner where they should have stopped & waited for us & where they would have had a longer break & not had to get back up on their bikes. Now, I'm probably reading way more into this than I should but you know what I thought?? I thought to myself "Ryan & Janelle, do NOT get off the bike when it feels like you're tired & need a break. Do NOT get off the bike because it seems like a good spot to stop. Because if you hold on a little longer, He will take you to the right break - the right end, not the one that seems easy & safe to you, but to the one that will reap more reward." So hear me on this, I'm not going to get off the bike this time & sit in my bed & question why He started us on this journey over a year ago only to have it feel like it's "ending" here. I'm not going to start to question His character because a lady who has a high degree of power in Ghana gave out a directive halting adoptions. We may need to steer in another direction, yes, that much is true, but it's not like we get off the bike when things don't seem to go as planned.
(And by the way, if you have been along this journey with us, would you keep pedaling behind us?? We need the push of your prayers & the encouragement that you bring to us; it helps to know you're cheering us on & care about us!)
Lastly, as a side note, I don't know what in life you are facing right now that feels like a punch-in-the-gut.... but if you claim Christ as your Savior & Master, then keep on pedaling - don't give up now!! We both know that God is Much Too Wise, Much Too Good, Much Too Loving to only bring you this far & leave you. The end may not be what you want it to be, but it will be much better...
And if you don't believe & you're trying to muddle through the muck & mire of that situation, there is a God who loves you dearly, who not only created you in a unique way, but longs to redeem Your life from that pit & set you back on a firm road of purpose.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
Our family's just did....
Have you had this happen to you before? Probably you have but just in case you haven't - if you imagine someone standing straight in front of you & just punching you square in the gut, then yep, you got it.
That happened today.
In one minute, I read the email from our adoption coordinator. "...a directive has been issued from the ministry to the regional directors that all adoptions must be suspended in Ghana immediately"
And that was it. Just like that.
What it means is that we're waiting to hear back about what our options are at this point - hoping to hear some the end of this week & some next week. (By the way, you can't wait on 2 lists/2 countries - you have decide on one & go with it.)
What it means is that we will most likely not be with the Ghana program (if there will even be one after this week), especially since we hadn't even received a referral. In adoption terms, that means we are on the bottom of the dog pile.
What it also means is that we've "lost" a year of time, months of paperwork & a half of our adoption money that we had set aside. (I say "lost" because we won't ever get that back.)
And if I let my mind go there - on what it all means right now - well, I would be the one lost. Lost in regret, lost in anxiety, lost in despair...
But here's my "1000 Gifts" List:
First, I'm so thankful for the way God has been working on my heart the past week. If He hadn't I wouldn't have been able to hear this news today.
Second, I'm so thankful for my hubby - my steady hubby who trusts & loves so much better than I do.
Third, I'm thankful for my kids. Oh my darling children. I don't know how we will tell them. It will be quite a lesson on trust & hurt & trust again for them as well. The daily/nightly prayers they uttered on behalf of their "brother from Ghana" & the orphans of Ghana..... The African music that is played often in our house...(& was in fact, sung to by them even today after I heard the news - you better believe I was choking back tears the whole time.) At some point when we have some clearer direction we will share with them, but in the meantime we will keep praying with them for the dear little ones in Ghana & believe that nothing is wasted (if you haven't read my last post, now would be a good time to switch over there: http://www.livingloveeph5.blogspot.com/2013/04/nothing-is-wasted.html)
{{The above was written on Tuesday night, the night after we found out....continuing on with thoughts that I have had in the past 2 days since...}}
As of today, nothing has changed & really, I think there is still so much to process with all of this. This week is a waiting like we have never waited before (more like a waiting-on-pins-&-needles kind-of waiting). It still, as I type this & think over it all, makes me feel sick to my stomach & if I let it go on, could make me "lost" as I said before.
I am thinking on these things as I pray:
The main thing is that (& I'll just be honest here - this is going to be somewhat controversial & not sit well with everyone) it's true I believe in miracles & believe that God could completely change the heart of the National Minister in charge of all this. Really, I do.... but I think when I get wrapped up in praying for that & for some big huge miracle to occur, I'm missing what God is doing now, right now, in this situation. Sunday we had a phenomenal sermon about prayer based off Acts 4:23-31. The disciples had just been pulled into court & essentially told to stop talking about Jesus, and they decide to gather & pray. This is a pivotal point in their ministry & in that moment, everything hinged on their next decision. They sure must have had a "punch-in-the-gut" experience as they were faced with either death from talking or staying silent about the Lord who had changed their lives & commanded them to "Preach the Gospel". If you study that prayer, there is very little supplication (or asking/telling God what to do/how to do it). The majority of the prayer begins with acknowledging who God is, in other words, His character, and also acknowledging what He has done & said in the past, His faithfulness.... There is once verse in there asking for boldness (vs. 29) but everything else is just praises & expressed confidence in who God is & that His will is what will prevail. As I type this, all I can think is, "Teach me Lord"..... "Teach me to pray like that! To be so sure & confident in You that I don't have to go asking for something all the time. To be so sure & confident in You that I know you will do what is for our good, for the good of the children in Ghana & for Your glory according to Your time & Your purposes." I want that more than anything else.... you know what friends? I want that more than I want another child. And that is really, really hard to say right now, but it's the cry of my heart & it's the lifting up of my hands & it's the laying down of my will & it's the bowing of my knees.... Your will Lord Jesus, not based on what I wish would happen, not based on what I think would be the best way or the good way, but based on who YOU are!!
To be honest, it's been hard to not just want to hole up & want to take time to process all of this - I'm having to force myself to keep going, keep getting out. Yesterday I went on a walk with my little one, & my sister & 3 of my nieces. The 2 older ones were riding their bike & it was a bit of a trek... We had instructed them to stop at each of the corners to take a break & wait for us slow mommies to catch up. At some point in one of the blocks, they stopped at a nice shady spot because they said they wanted a break. Quickly we had caught up to them & they had to get back on their bikes & then go just a short distance to the corner where they should have stopped & waited for us & where they would have had a longer break & not had to get back up on their bikes. Now, I'm probably reading way more into this than I should but you know what I thought?? I thought to myself "Ryan & Janelle, do NOT get off the bike when it feels like you're tired & need a break. Do NOT get off the bike because it seems like a good spot to stop. Because if you hold on a little longer, He will take you to the right break - the right end, not the one that seems easy & safe to you, but to the one that will reap more reward." So hear me on this, I'm not going to get off the bike this time & sit in my bed & question why He started us on this journey over a year ago only to have it feel like it's "ending" here. I'm not going to start to question His character because a lady who has a high degree of power in Ghana gave out a directive halting adoptions. We may need to steer in another direction, yes, that much is true, but it's not like we get off the bike when things don't seem to go as planned.
(And by the way, if you have been along this journey with us, would you keep pedaling behind us?? We need the push of your prayers & the encouragement that you bring to us; it helps to know you're cheering us on & care about us!)
Lastly, as a side note, I don't know what in life you are facing right now that feels like a punch-in-the-gut.... but if you claim Christ as your Savior & Master, then keep on pedaling - don't give up now!! We both know that God is Much Too Wise, Much Too Good, Much Too Loving to only bring you this far & leave you. The end may not be what you want it to be, but it will be much better...
And if you don't believe & you're trying to muddle through the muck & mire of that situation, there is a God who loves you dearly, who not only created you in a unique way, but longs to redeem Your life from that pit & set you back on a firm road of purpose.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber." (Psalm 121:1-3)
he who keeps you will not slumber." (Psalm 121:1-3)
Amen..... Selah....
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Nothing is Wasted....
Oh my....
So lover of all things music (meaning me...) just heard this song today on the radio for the first time. I'm not much of a radio person anymore, are you? I love me some Pandora, love listening on my phone or Kindle to songs I downloaded, still in love with my old school CDs, & if I could find a tape player to play my ancient tapes of DC Talk (first album thus the simple name, DC Talk) & some Psalty for my kids, I totally would (I think it's like my parents' records - kinda hard to let go!).
Anyway, every now & then when I'm driving I like to turn on the radio to various stations 'cuz I really like all types of music. Ok, maybe not exactly all because I have trouble getting into really twangy country (the twang just throws me off "y'all", but hold up - I love some good bluegrass!) plus Southern Gospel & I have always had a bit of a struggle (I can't figure it out & for some reason it can't figure me out either), BUT overall I could listen to about anything & not only "appreciate" it, but love it!!
Here's the thing though - if you give me a good beat, good melody & then put in some deep, thoughtful lyrics to go with, I am so lost in you..... Like sing-my-heart-out-in-the-car lost... Like close-your-eyes-&-then-quick-open-them-because-your-driving lost... Like swaying-my-head-&-body, tapping-&-raising-my-hands, swerving-back-&-forth-in-my-lane lost....Get it??
Well, that's what happened when I heard this song today. And I brought up the radio thing at the beginning in the hopes of saying that maybe you've already heard it & it's been out awhile (totally forgot to get to that point in the first paragraph).
And I'm telling you all the music stuff because the truth is, what was more amazing was that it wasn't necessarily the beat this time (it's true - I'm a sucker for rap & hip-hop... I know what you're thinking - total white girl addicted to "black music" - - "Wassup wid tha?" -- yep, totally just said that) ....
And it wasn't even that the melody is so catchy that you're whistling it all the time (also a crazy whistler, but not half as crazy as my hubby is - we whistle way more than the average person)...
It was the words.
I got completely lost in the words... and the more I listen, the more lost I am...
'Cuz I look back at so much in my life & I know, I KNOW, nothing is wasted.
And I'm praying that one day I'll look back on this waiting & this journey & know that every day, every week, every month, & every year (because the first one is quickly approaching) has not for ONE SINGLE MOMENT been wasted.
What do you look at in your life & think "Man, what a waste of time...."? What have you gone through that feels so far gone, so much pain, so much heartache & plain old "ugh" that you just want to forget it ever happened? You know that thing?? That thing isn't wasted.
And oh my word, is that amazing news or what??
So here it is - this song with amazing lyrics that gets me lost for just a couple minutes.
(Hopefully you can just click on the link but if not, jump onto YouTube & type in Jason Gray's "Nothing is Wasted" - the lyric version!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvnBhtbATag
So lover of all things music (meaning me...) just heard this song today on the radio for the first time. I'm not much of a radio person anymore, are you? I love me some Pandora, love listening on my phone or Kindle to songs I downloaded, still in love with my old school CDs, & if I could find a tape player to play my ancient tapes of DC Talk (first album thus the simple name, DC Talk) & some Psalty for my kids, I totally would (I think it's like my parents' records - kinda hard to let go!).
Anyway, every now & then when I'm driving I like to turn on the radio to various stations 'cuz I really like all types of music. Ok, maybe not exactly all because I have trouble getting into really twangy country (the twang just throws me off "y'all", but hold up - I love some good bluegrass!) plus Southern Gospel & I have always had a bit of a struggle (I can't figure it out & for some reason it can't figure me out either), BUT overall I could listen to about anything & not only "appreciate" it, but love it!!
Here's the thing though - if you give me a good beat, good melody & then put in some deep, thoughtful lyrics to go with, I am so lost in you..... Like sing-my-heart-out-in-the-car lost... Like close-your-eyes-&-then-quick-open-them-because-your-driving lost... Like swaying-my-head-&-body, tapping-&-raising-my-hands, swerving-back-&-forth-in-my-lane lost....Get it??
Well, that's what happened when I heard this song today. And I brought up the radio thing at the beginning in the hopes of saying that maybe you've already heard it & it's been out awhile (totally forgot to get to that point in the first paragraph).
And I'm telling you all the music stuff because the truth is, what was more amazing was that it wasn't necessarily the beat this time (it's true - I'm a sucker for rap & hip-hop... I know what you're thinking - total white girl addicted to "black music" - - "Wassup wid tha?" -- yep, totally just said that) ....
And it wasn't even that the melody is so catchy that you're whistling it all the time (also a crazy whistler, but not half as crazy as my hubby is - we whistle way more than the average person)...
It was the words.
I got completely lost in the words... and the more I listen, the more lost I am...
'Cuz I look back at so much in my life & I know, I KNOW, nothing is wasted.
And I'm praying that one day I'll look back on this waiting & this journey & know that every day, every week, every month, & every year (because the first one is quickly approaching) has not for ONE SINGLE MOMENT been wasted.
What do you look at in your life & think "Man, what a waste of time...."? What have you gone through that feels so far gone, so much pain, so much heartache & plain old "ugh" that you just want to forget it ever happened? You know that thing?? That thing isn't wasted.
And oh my word, is that amazing news or what??
So here it is - this song with amazing lyrics that gets me lost for just a couple minutes.
(Hopefully you can just click on the link but if not, jump onto YouTube & type in Jason Gray's "Nothing is Wasted" - the lyric version!!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvnBhtbATag
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Weary in the Waiting
Definition of WEARY (per Webster's Dictionary)
2
: expressing or characteristic of weariness <a weary sign>
3
: having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted;
used with of <soon grew weary of waiting>
This is the word I've heard in my head lately & I think it accurately describes were we are at with this process. Weary.....
I used to feel excited about it... fired up about it... frustration about it... anger over all the redtape. I used to "feel" more about it... But now?
Well, now I just feel weary....
The freshness gone... the vigor gone... (Check off definition 1)
& I think other people can tell right now because I see it in myself - when I look at my eyes, I SEE "weary"... (Check off definition 2)
I think the patience is still there - after all I'm holding on & hoping that someday we will be sitting outside in our yard watching while our 4 children play together around us....
but where I used to see that clearly, now it's feeling hazy - like a "Somewhere Out There" song-type-of-way.... Does that make sense??
And while the patience is there & I'm still "tolerating" the process.... I would definitely agree with the "having one's pleasure exhausted" - the pleasure of the process & the whole idea of "joy in the journey" isn't quite cutting it anymore. And there are days that we shrug & glumly wonder "if ever"....(Check off definition 3)
I wish I could even look ahead & see progress with others & think "That will be us someday!' but right now in Ghana, there isn't even that much progress in terms of referrals being handed out. I know in my heart that because we are open to some special needs, & an "older child" (in other words, not an infant) - we technically still qualify to be with Ghana, but the "technical" doesn't always equal out to the "actual"....
So in my weariness, I'm wondering about when God shows up?? When does He come & say "Enough! It's been long enough!" And I look around me at others going through trials of various kinds & realize that sometimes... well, sometimes it takes a very, very long time....
So I'm taking my weariness & processing through the "Please show up!" & reminding myself of what I know - -
I know God loves us.... I know He sees us (in fact, He sees us before, now AND after).... I know He doesn't put something into our hearts only to get nothing out - He has a plan, He has a purpose.... I know that He will redeem all situations for our good & for His glory & at just the right time.... I know these things friends.
And I am telling them to myself every day knowing that it will someday bring a renewed & refreshed spirit (Definition 1).
And I'm telling them to myself every day because I know that the perseverance in the weariness produces character & character produces hope, which won't put us to shame because of that love we know & have (Definition 2).
And I'm telling them to myself every day because I'm hopeful that the pleasure will also return & someday we will look back & laugh with joy of how God changed our lives (Definition 3).
And I'm asking you again to join us in this process.
I know life goes on (it's happening here too! There are days where I have been so busy that our hope-to-be son only gets thought of & prayed for once during that day...). I know that it's super easy to get caught up in our own family's lives & to not even have it cross your mind, let alone pray for our family. Believe me, I get it! But would you remember?? Would you remember that there are millions of children around the world waiting for a forever family? And that there is a family you know who wants to be that for one of those children? Who felt clear direction & don't want to give up on what God seemed to set in their hearts, but who feel weary & unsure & confounded, and who really are just waiting for God to show up??
Exodus 17:11-13 tells this story of Moses & the Israelites journey towards the promised land...
And I'm telling them to myself every day because I'm hopeful that the pleasure will also return & someday we will look back & laugh with joy of how God changed our lives (Definition 3).
And I'm asking you again to join us in this process.
I know life goes on (it's happening here too! There are days where I have been so busy that our hope-to-be son only gets thought of & prayed for once during that day...). I know that it's super easy to get caught up in our own family's lives & to not even have it cross your mind, let alone pray for our family. Believe me, I get it! But would you remember?? Would you remember that there are millions of children around the world waiting for a forever family? And that there is a family you know who wants to be that for one of those children? Who felt clear direction & don't want to give up on what God seemed to set in their hearts, but who feel weary & unsure & confounded, and who really are just waiting for God to show up??
Exodus 17:11-13 tells this story of Moses & the Israelites journey towards the promised land...
"11 Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. 12 But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. 13 And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people..."
I share that because it's a reminder to me how it took Moses doing the right thing, even in the midst of his weariness, for him to keep his hands raised. He could have just stopped - "I'm too tired. It's just exhausting doing what you know you're supposed to do. I know we've made it this far guys but it's taken so long & my heart just isn't in it anymore." But no, he kept on - did whatever he needed to do to persevere. In fact, he had to sit on a firm rock just like I am having to lean on the ROCK of TRUTH.... And then he needed help keeping his hands raised so I'm asking for help to keep our hands raised.....And then....
Well, then...
God showed up.
I share that because it's a reminder to me how it took Moses doing the right thing, even in the midst of his weariness, for him to keep his hands raised. He could have just stopped - "I'm too tired. It's just exhausting doing what you know you're supposed to do. I know we've made it this far guys but it's taken so long & my heart just isn't in it anymore." But no, he kept on - did whatever he needed to do to persevere. In fact, he had to sit on a firm rock just like I am having to lean on the ROCK of TRUTH.... And then he needed help keeping his hands raised so I'm asking for help to keep our hands raised.....And then....
Well, then...
God showed up.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of PLEASURE....
So I can’t get it out of my mind. Yesterday, I was teaching a sophomore class
in one of the outlying towns & there is this girl who said something so…
well, human, I guess, but it bugged me to no end.
At some point in my beginning of my teaching I give a little
“history lesson” about STD’s. The fact
is that in the past 60 years we have gone from 2 STDs to over 50 major ones,
and those 2 that we had back in 1950 were 2 that have existed for
centuries. So it’s a very obvious
behavior shift that influenced where we are now…. Anyone guess yet what that
was???? Yep, exactly…. The 70s…. Peace…. Love…. & STDs.... (& in that
order too…. )So as I was explaining that while I think the “Hippy Generation” had some awesome clothes, their mindset of “If it feels good, do it” just didn’t work out so good in the long run, this petite little teenager turns to her friend & mutters something. Never one to not demand me some respect, I asked her point blank “What did you say?” She looked at me pretty boldly & said “I wish I could live in a time like that.” Well, sweetheart, it’s your lucky day! You got your wish…. You’re living in it…. ‘cuz not much has changed since then….
(Oh & by the way, did you see the documentary where the guy who had one too many tokes cries on & on about the friends he lost post-70s to AIDS?? Have you ever sat in front of one who lived through that generation & humbly apologizes to his classroom for the mess that was created for this generation?? Have you thought for just ONE SINGLE MOMENT about what it will be like to talk to your kids about the projected 75 to 100 STI’s that will face their generation? Or maybe you haven’t because after yesterday you realize that if you keep up with your current life mantra, you will most likely mess up your reproductive system so bad it won’t work out quite the way you would have imagined anyway……)
What is wrong with us?? And what in the world is going to stop us from learning to live beyond ourselves & what “feels good”???
Those are the days that I drive home & think, “Really? That’s what I’m facing?” because in so many ways, you wonder how you can really make a difference when a teenager so obviously does not care to look beyond the right now. And not only that, they refuse to look beyond self….
And you know what? I’d
love to blame it on the teenager, but I know better – because way too many
adults are stuck in the same rut –“Living for today” & worrying about
themselves because after all, “If I don’t worry about me, who will???”
And I get it in a way, really I do – I mean I hear it all
the time too….
But I look back at history & all the people, well-meaning or not, who have gone through this life journey before me to ask the question, “Really??? You just live your own life & care for yourself & find pleasure for yourself & that’s it??”
No way…. I mean, NO WAY that it’s worked out that way in history. Person affects person affects person affects person….. Generation affects generation affects generation affects generation…..There isn’t any “I’ll just do this for myself because it makes me happy & it feels good for me & well, it’s my life.” It’s more like “I either get that it’s not just about me & the people behind me will then reap the consequences of that” OR “I get that I do what I want because I want to & well, when it comes down to it, I don’t care how it affects you or anyone after you”….
But how do you explain that to a sophomore in high
school? How do you get someone to figure
out that life is bigger than she is & that every action has a consequence whether
good or bad & that there is so much more beyond the right here, right
now? (yes, I have the same early 90’s
song in my head right now too… shoot….)
Does it take having kids?
More history classes? Or maybe
more social justice classes? Does it
take living in poverty? Or living with
chronic illness? Or being exposed to
other generations – young & old?I’m not sure – I mean yeah, they are all good options & good intentions. And at some point I have to believe that an hour long class with me will help break through some of that mindset as well or believe me, I wouldn’t keep doing it…..
But real change? Real
“get out of yourself” change? Well, the
truth is, I’m fighting for it in my own life every single day.
Because wouldn’t it just be easier to say “Live for
yourself.” “Find what makes you happy &
just do it.”?? So in the end, teenager, adult, child, parent – we are all having to go AGAINST ourselves to get OUTSIDE of ourselves. And man is that tough sometimes……
But here’s a bit of hope -- So I met this guy in junior high
& He taught me a lot about how to live outside myself by saying things
like:
“You have heard it
was said, “Love your neighbor & hate your enemies, but I tell you: “Love
your enemies…”“I tell you, do not worry about your life….”
“Make a tree good & its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad & its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit.”
“The things that come out of the mouth come from the heart…”
“What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world,
yet forfeits his soul?”
“Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be
your servant just as I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give my
life as a ransom for many.”
And most promising of all, even if we mess up, even if for a
time we choose the pleasure of the now for ourselves over the pain of the fight
against ourselves, He has words for us too…..
In fact, to one man, who just couldn’t get out of pleasure
for himself, he said, “I tell you the truth, the tax collectors & the
prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For
John the Baptist came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did
not believe him, but the tax collectors & the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you still did
not repent & believe him…..” (Matthew
21:31-32)Did you catch that? The blessing & the warning at the same time? (He’s kinda cool like that….) It’s hope for those of us that choose the “fun right now” & it’s hope for that girl from yesterday who so desperately wished she could live life for herself & most likely will end up making choices with consequences that last a really, really long time…… and it’s a warning too ‘cuz listen, how many times do you have to hear it or see it before you allow yourself to believe it???
And you know what’s really ironic in all this? The minute you get beyond your OWN happiness, your own pleasure, your own SELF….. well, that’s when you start REALLY pursuing abundant life. And so I’m off - - to my own pursuit….
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Processing... Or Not....
We have no specifics.... just a lot of "it looks like", "it's possible", "seemingly" that lead us to believe that Ghana is on a fast track to major changes regarding international adoption & quite possibly, an entire shut down of the program in that country all together.
I'm shaking as I write this because I can't really let my mind go there. I'm struggling to process this information & even last night, as Ryan & I briefly talked it was kind-of like, well, like there just are no words. Nothing to do when you are half-a-world away.... nothing to do when you know no one in that country & have no one there to fight for you & your motivations....
I suppose I may need to back up a bit & just let you know that the orphan crisis is a HUGE problem world-wide. Avenues to combat this most effectively are national adoption or homes set up within each nation to care for their own children. Beyond that, interntional adoption is the next great option. When we committed to international adoption (IA), we understood this to be our highest goal in terms of ethics - that we would be adopting a child in need of a family that could not be found among his extended family or community (this is always especially the case with toddlers & older children or those with special needs). Unfortunately, IA can have problems if not well regulated - child trafficking becomes a major issue as well as deception on many levels (the families placing for adoption, the lawyers mediating the adoption, the families adopting). In Ghana they were primarily finding this among independent adoptions (meaning families who chose to adopt without an agency which means less accountability, therefore greater chance for deception), so there were some recent laws set to come into play late spring/early summer to stop those types of adoptions from occuring within Ghana. Unfortunately, Ghana (like countries before them) has become "skittish" if you will about the potential for deception & is now set up to drastically change it's regulations in general, if not entirely shut down the program.
Listen, I get we aren't the only ones affected by an issue like this... It's happened in other countries, it's happening to other families, but right now it feels.... well, again, I'm having trouble processing how it feels. A friend going through the same thing (who incidently has already met the boy they planned to adopt & are currently finishing the final stages) said that it's like knowing you are miscarrying & feeling helpless to stop it. I think that most accurately describes how I'm feeling personally. Like I don't even know what this child looks like that we have pursued & prayed for, but the bleeding has started this week & I am helpless to stop it....
And it's true - I am helpless... We are not in control... there is nothing in & of ourselves that Ryan & I can do to change the minds of the officials in Ghana so they can realize that the majority of those desiring to adopt from their country are doing so with good intentions.....
BUT (& it's a big but!)....
I can pray.
We can pray.
You can pray.
Have you ever wondered what your role should be within the global crisis of orphans???
I can't answer what all it might mean for you, but I can tell you that it absolutely requires you to pray & friends, RIGHT NOW would be a good time to do it if you haven't before....
Pray that we would realize our struggle is not against what we see... ( "For we[c] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Eph 6:12)
Pray that we would all realize who HAS the control.... ("The foundations of law and order have collapsed. What can the righteous do? But the Lord is in his holy Temple; the Lord still rules from heaven. He watches everyone closely, examining every person on earth. For the righteous Lord loves justice. The virtuous will see his face." Psalm 11)
Pray for the country of Ghana, that the officials would be overcome by a sense of compassion for the orphans in their country, realizing that shutting down IA would only lead to a greater crisis in the very near future - not an answer for any country..... Pray for countries around the world that they would know how to effectively & decisively care for their orphans in a way that is best for the CHILDREN...("Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27)
And my dear friends, would you pray for us??
Pray that we would know this past year has not been in vain..... that we would feel God's leading even in the darkness... that we would trust with all our hearts...that we would LEAN, not on our own understanding that is slight, but on His that is infinite... that we would acknowledge Him in everything we do... that we would trust that He is the ONE who will straighten crooked paths & will reveal His will in His time.... ("Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3: 5&6)
I'm shaking as I write this because I can't really let my mind go there. I'm struggling to process this information & even last night, as Ryan & I briefly talked it was kind-of like, well, like there just are no words. Nothing to do when you are half-a-world away.... nothing to do when you know no one in that country & have no one there to fight for you & your motivations....
I suppose I may need to back up a bit & just let you know that the orphan crisis is a HUGE problem world-wide. Avenues to combat this most effectively are national adoption or homes set up within each nation to care for their own children. Beyond that, interntional adoption is the next great option. When we committed to international adoption (IA), we understood this to be our highest goal in terms of ethics - that we would be adopting a child in need of a family that could not be found among his extended family or community (this is always especially the case with toddlers & older children or those with special needs). Unfortunately, IA can have problems if not well regulated - child trafficking becomes a major issue as well as deception on many levels (the families placing for adoption, the lawyers mediating the adoption, the families adopting). In Ghana they were primarily finding this among independent adoptions (meaning families who chose to adopt without an agency which means less accountability, therefore greater chance for deception), so there were some recent laws set to come into play late spring/early summer to stop those types of adoptions from occuring within Ghana. Unfortunately, Ghana (like countries before them) has become "skittish" if you will about the potential for deception & is now set up to drastically change it's regulations in general, if not entirely shut down the program.
Listen, I get we aren't the only ones affected by an issue like this... It's happened in other countries, it's happening to other families, but right now it feels.... well, again, I'm having trouble processing how it feels. A friend going through the same thing (who incidently has already met the boy they planned to adopt & are currently finishing the final stages) said that it's like knowing you are miscarrying & feeling helpless to stop it. I think that most accurately describes how I'm feeling personally. Like I don't even know what this child looks like that we have pursued & prayed for, but the bleeding has started this week & I am helpless to stop it....
And it's true - I am helpless... We are not in control... there is nothing in & of ourselves that Ryan & I can do to change the minds of the officials in Ghana so they can realize that the majority of those desiring to adopt from their country are doing so with good intentions.....
BUT (& it's a big but!)....
I can pray.
We can pray.
You can pray.
Have you ever wondered what your role should be within the global crisis of orphans???
I can't answer what all it might mean for you, but I can tell you that it absolutely requires you to pray & friends, RIGHT NOW would be a good time to do it if you haven't before....
Pray that we would realize our struggle is not against what we see... ( "For we[c] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Eph 6:12)
Pray that we would all realize who HAS the control.... ("The foundations of law and order have collapsed. What can the righteous do? But the Lord is in his holy Temple; the Lord still rules from heaven. He watches everyone closely, examining every person on earth. For the righteous Lord loves justice. The virtuous will see his face." Psalm 11)
Pray for the country of Ghana, that the officials would be overcome by a sense of compassion for the orphans in their country, realizing that shutting down IA would only lead to a greater crisis in the very near future - not an answer for any country..... Pray for countries around the world that they would know how to effectively & decisively care for their orphans in a way that is best for the CHILDREN...("Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27)
And my dear friends, would you pray for us??
Pray that we would know this past year has not been in vain..... that we would feel God's leading even in the darkness... that we would trust with all our hearts...that we would LEAN, not on our own understanding that is slight, but on His that is infinite... that we would acknowledge Him in everything we do... that we would trust that He is the ONE who will straighten crooked paths & will reveal His will in His time.... ("Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3: 5&6)
Monday, March 11, 2013
We're past our "Due Date"....
SO..... if this was a natural born baby I was carrying & birthing, we would be way past that 40 week mark. If we could say that all the praying/planning before we actually started paperwork was kind-of like all the "trying" months & that once we started the paperwork, we started our actual pregnancy, well, we'd be over by now.
And if we weren't past it by now, I would certainly be at the "GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" stage in the pregnancy where you are screaming at everything that moves because, well frankly because you can't..... & so when something moves it just reminds you that you're stuck & not just stuck in & of yourself, but stuck because another person has taken over your body kind-of-stuck.... (No, I'm not dramatic at all - what in the world gave you that idea?!?!?!)
But sad for us, this isn't a "normal pregnancy" - the fruits of our labor (literally) have not come forth yet. This weekend we celebrated one of our family friends' birth of their 4th little one (& their first boy, which is super exciting!) & rejoiced with other family friends who accepted a referral (or rather found her on a waiting list) of a little girl in China. It's so exciting to watch how God grows families, isn't it?? You may think your done, or maybe you aren't sure.... you may wish it could be easier but in the end it's exactly how it's supposed to be.....
I guess I just want it to be stated that 9 months in & past paperwork & over a year in with out hearts & minds, it feels like we aren't even that far along still. Like maybe we are still in month 5??? That's hard to deal with sometimes as we wait & search waiting child lists & wait some more & then search some more... I can't imagine going through all this time, all this money & not ending up with a child at the end of it all. Is this a possibility? Yeah, in a lot of ways it still is which is a bit unthinkable really & I'm not sure how you grieve something you never had (I'm hopeful I won't ever have to know). But more than that, I think I'm just wanting to chronicle that God is growing me - in ways that I had always hoped but I wondered if it could really be done (after all I'm getting "old" - I've hit that age where I think it's best to just NOT reveal my age. And I guess I think that's one of the first signs your getting old - you hesitate & have to figure out if you are just going to say it & move on or mumble it & move on... either way, you're hoping to just move on....)
Yep, there's been 9 months of growth here for sure....It's possible you'll see it - not that there is another little person to see & you start wondering who he/she looks more like....No it's more that you'll look into my life & see, well, a better reflection of my Heavenly Father.
And while technically we are WAY past our "due date", I'm still hopeful that at some point we'll be able to type that post.... you know the whole "Thrilled to Announce" "Please join us in welcoming" Post. Who's excited for it already????? I know I sure am!!!
And if we weren't past it by now, I would certainly be at the "GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" stage in the pregnancy where you are screaming at everything that moves because, well frankly because you can't..... & so when something moves it just reminds you that you're stuck & not just stuck in & of yourself, but stuck because another person has taken over your body kind-of-stuck.... (No, I'm not dramatic at all - what in the world gave you that idea?!?!?!)
But sad for us, this isn't a "normal pregnancy" - the fruits of our labor (literally) have not come forth yet. This weekend we celebrated one of our family friends' birth of their 4th little one (& their first boy, which is super exciting!) & rejoiced with other family friends who accepted a referral (or rather found her on a waiting list) of a little girl in China. It's so exciting to watch how God grows families, isn't it?? You may think your done, or maybe you aren't sure.... you may wish it could be easier but in the end it's exactly how it's supposed to be.....
I guess I just want it to be stated that 9 months in & past paperwork & over a year in with out hearts & minds, it feels like we aren't even that far along still. Like maybe we are still in month 5??? That's hard to deal with sometimes as we wait & search waiting child lists & wait some more & then search some more... I can't imagine going through all this time, all this money & not ending up with a child at the end of it all. Is this a possibility? Yeah, in a lot of ways it still is which is a bit unthinkable really & I'm not sure how you grieve something you never had (I'm hopeful I won't ever have to know). But more than that, I think I'm just wanting to chronicle that God is growing me - in ways that I had always hoped but I wondered if it could really be done (after all I'm getting "old" - I've hit that age where I think it's best to just NOT reveal my age. And I guess I think that's one of the first signs your getting old - you hesitate & have to figure out if you are just going to say it & move on or mumble it & move on... either way, you're hoping to just move on....)
Yep, there's been 9 months of growth here for sure....It's possible you'll see it - not that there is another little person to see & you start wondering who he/she looks more like....No it's more that you'll look into my life & see, well, a better reflection of my Heavenly Father.
And while technically we are WAY past our "due date", I'm still hopeful that at some point we'll be able to type that post.... you know the whole "Thrilled to Announce" "Please join us in welcoming" Post. Who's excited for it already????? I know I sure am!!!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The RACE Post....
Ok, I'm going there.....
Never really planned to on this blog except that it's about to become a big part of our lives & well, it's been rolling around in my head for the past 2 weeks, so you know... feel like I should get it out because it's certainly part of our adoption journey.
First off, a small note of where we are in the process -
We're Waiting.
Yep, that's pretty much it. Not much else to report. All our paperwork is done & we are just waiting for a referral....and waiting... and praying..... and waiting....and wondering how long the waiting might be....and waiting. So, would sure love it if you keep on sharing all that waiting, praying, wondering along with us - makes it easier to keep on going!
Annnnnddddd, we're back.... back to the topic at hand that is.
As many of you are aware (& everyone has most likely figured out) we are a white, American family. A white, American family waiting to accept a referral to adopt a black, African little boy.
This doesn't scare us. Do you think it should? The truth is, I'm just not exactly sure if it should or shouldn't....
In a lot of ways I think it shouldn't.
The Bible has been used to back up a lot of causes in history. And I wish I could say they were all good justifiable causes, but I admit that's just not true (& if you don't know that, it's a good idea to be educated about it!! Never a good idea to just pull out a verse & plaster it on your cause without really checking out if it jives with the rest of what Scripture says!) However, the Bible has also been used to back up a lot of fantastic things in history & one of the TRUTHS of the Bible that has stood the test of time (despite others pulling out random verses that don't correlate with the whole of the Bible as a means for hatred) is the radical-for-the-time announcement of where God stands on racial/culture boundaries. Verses like Galations 3:28:
Never really planned to on this blog except that it's about to become a big part of our lives & well, it's been rolling around in my head for the past 2 weeks, so you know... feel like I should get it out because it's certainly part of our adoption journey.
First off, a small note of where we are in the process -
We're Waiting.
Yep, that's pretty much it. Not much else to report. All our paperwork is done & we are just waiting for a referral....and waiting... and praying..... and waiting....and wondering how long the waiting might be....and waiting. So, would sure love it if you keep on sharing all that waiting, praying, wondering along with us - makes it easier to keep on going!
Annnnnddddd, we're back.... back to the topic at hand that is.
As many of you are aware (& everyone has most likely figured out) we are a white, American family. A white, American family waiting to accept a referral to adopt a black, African little boy.
This doesn't scare us. Do you think it should? The truth is, I'm just not exactly sure if it should or shouldn't....
In a lot of ways I think it shouldn't.
The Bible has been used to back up a lot of causes in history. And I wish I could say they were all good justifiable causes, but I admit that's just not true (& if you don't know that, it's a good idea to be educated about it!! Never a good idea to just pull out a verse & plaster it on your cause without really checking out if it jives with the rest of what Scripture says!) However, the Bible has also been used to back up a lot of fantastic things in history & one of the TRUTHS of the Bible that has stood the test of time (despite others pulling out random verses that don't correlate with the whole of the Bible as a means for hatred) is the radical-for-the-time announcement of where God stands on racial/culture boundaries. Verses like Galations 3:28:
"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
and Romans 10:12
"For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all..."
and a bunch of others like those 2 are ones that I have read & long thought "WOW! We are ALL made in the image of God" or in other more-known, more-simple words that my kiddos love to sing "Red & yellow, black & white, we are precious in His sight"...
And when it comes to adoption into HIS family, if God makes no difference on who He allows in - black or white, slave or free, murderer that everyone knows about or adulterer that keeps it a secret, American or Ghanian, sinner that flaunts it or goody-two-shoes with skeletons in her closet - well, than why should I??? Why should we??? Why should we let race divide our families? & let's just bring it on home.... Why should we let race divide our churches???? The truth is - We Shouldn't.
But while I know that truth in my heart & try to live it out in my life sometimes I wonder...
Maybe we should be more scared about it....
After all, what will the future hold for our black son growing up with white parents in a predominately white town & in a predominately white church? (FYI - both the town & the church have come a long way since I was little - much more diversity now & a lot more multi-racial families in both places which is a significant part of why we felt more comfortable adopting from Africa while living here.)
I've been starting to read more to prepare for our coming home times ahead... I recently finished a book called "The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother" by James McBride. I should mention that in this case, the author is NOT adopted - his white mother is his biological birth mother who was married to a black man (who died early in the author's life). The story itself is fascinating & goes back & forth between the two generations (the mother's & the son's). It's
interesting to see the difference between the 2 time periods & how race is addressed in each generation. For sure the author struggled at times to find his identity as a black kid living in a black community with a white mother who chose to not discuss race. He says, "The question of race was like the power of the moon... It's what made the river flow, the ocean swell, and the ride rise, but it was a silent power..." & it was, essentially, ignored in his house. I'm not really sold on the idea of ignoring race within our family, but I definitely think I'm still learning how to actually address it. At one time when James McBride was a young boy he wrote, "I thought it would be easier if we were just one color, black or white....Now, as a grown man, I feel privileged to have come from two worlds.... I don't belong to any of those groups. I belong to the world of one God, one people."
I love how honest he is in saying those words....
Wouldn't it just be easier if we were all black or maybe all white? Or if we were all Asian or all European?
I'll be the first to admit that yes, that sounds simpler. But the fact is, it's not what my God is about... I smile as I type this because my God is about making the complex simple. He's about taking that which seems hard & more of a challenge & making it come down to something so easy, so simple that once we figure it out - well, it frees us from the hard. You see, my God is about LOVE. He's about LOVING. In fact, 1 John 4:8 tells us that God is the very meaning, the essence, of what LOVE is.
So, I was actually reading the 10th Anniversary Edition of this book which meant I got to read an added-on Afterward that pretty much summed up what I was feeling as I finished the book (which is what I wrote above).... McBride's conclusion 10 years later was the same. He says:
"The plain truth is that you'd have an easier time standing in the middle of the Mississippi River and requesting that it flow backward than to expect people of different races & backgrounds to stop loving each other...Love is unstoppable. It is our greatest weapon, a natural force, created by God.... family love, a mother's love, gives us grace, courage, & power beyond measure." A page later he writes, "Family love: It is firm footing, something to cling to in a frightened world that seems to spin out of control with war, turmoil, terrorism, and uncertainty. It is our highest calling and our greatest nobility."
Beautiful...
So someday when my son asks me why I look different than him or why he looks different than his brother.... someday when the race issue is brought to the forefront of his mind because of some stupid thing that someone says who simply isn't captured by LOVE yet....
On those days I'm going to tell him, "Listen baby, you're right - mommy & daddy's skin color is different than your color and sometimes you may wish you were our color & sometimes we will wish we were your color but you know what? We love you no matter what & we chose you to be in our family. Not because of anything you did or because of your skin color or anything else people see on the outside but simply because we wanted you - we wanted you to be a part of our family."
Take that race-issue....
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
DREAMS
What do you dream of??
And to clarify, I don't mean the "I was riding my bike in the middle of an ocean when a bear jumped out from underneath the sea & then my husband was a superhero & flew through the air to catch me right before the bear ate me up" kind-of dreams....
I mean the, "I'm lost daydreaming about the most wonderful thing I can imagine" kind of dreams.....
What do you DREAM of??
I read a Facebook comment from another Ghana-adopt momma (btw - Facebook is so awesome for meeting & supporting those in the same situation we are going through - I could not be more thankful for them as we have often joined together in prayers & fasting for each other especially as these past months have gotten tough for so many...)... Anyway, her comment was about her 6 year old son who is now home with them. She said he told them he used to "dream about having a bicycle & eating chicken every day."
Oh my word....
A bike & chicken, people....
You know what I thought when I read that? I thought "I can do that!!"
I thought "Little One, wherever you are, I have a bike!! And I can feed you chicken & pork & beef every single night of your life in our house!!"
& then I teared up thinking "I can make your dreams come true!!!" .....
But then I thought:
"Isn't it sad that while I can make a little boy from Africa's dreams come true, I so often can't make my own children's dreams come true not to mention my own dreams?????"
Do you want to know why I can't??
It's because she dreams of going to Disney World every year & staying in Cinderella's castle, sleeping in Cinderella's room.....(& baby girl, we are never going to be that rich!)....
It's because he dreams of meeting Albert Puhols & playing professional baseball... (& Sonshine, for so many reasons, I just can't promise you that)....
And way too often lately, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm dreaming about Matilda Jane clothes for my girls... (& sidenote - have you seen the prices on those clothes??? I mean, don't get me wrong, they are GOR-GEOUS but ouch!! So then I have to try to get them for a bargain so I can afford more of them & then I end up obsessed about finding a good deal because I was raised to always, always find a good deal but as my mom can attest, sometimes I lose my common-sense in the quest for the good deal!! Sigh... this could be a never-ending addiction if I let it become one....)
Do you hear those dreams I'm telling you??? Nothing like over the top, right??? As I type this out it's somewhat sickening to me because we are so Americanized in our dreaming.... so middle-class... so "chasing after the Jones'".... and is that what life is about?? I mean, really.... is that what dreaming is for??
This past week I've been reading 1 Timothy 6 every morning & the following verses keep jumping out at me: " 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."
When was the last time I was content with food & clothing???
When was the last time my dreams were dreams not of the extravagance but of simple pleasure & desires above the basic needs of food & clothes???
When was the last time I stopped thinking about more of everything & was thankful for the plenty that I already have?
Oh my friends, it grieves my heart to think on these answers....
I can't wait to make the dreams come true for the son born of my heart. I can't wait to show him his very own bike, to put shoes on his feet that have actual shoelaces that actually tie.... I can't wait to feed him beef - like real-from-a-cow beef (& if you know me well, you know I'm a bit of a meat snob so you know it's going to be good!!)... I can't wait to show him his dresser full of clothes, to show him the boys' bedroom complete with his very own bed... I can't wait to open up our pantry doors & let him know "We keep food here - it's never going away & you will always, always have more than enough...."
And I can't wait to keep learning more of what contentment truly is & to share the gift that it is with my children.
Now that's a good dream......
And to clarify, I don't mean the "I was riding my bike in the middle of an ocean when a bear jumped out from underneath the sea & then my husband was a superhero & flew through the air to catch me right before the bear ate me up" kind-of dreams....
I mean the, "I'm lost daydreaming about the most wonderful thing I can imagine" kind of dreams.....
What do you DREAM of??
I read a Facebook comment from another Ghana-adopt momma (btw - Facebook is so awesome for meeting & supporting those in the same situation we are going through - I could not be more thankful for them as we have often joined together in prayers & fasting for each other especially as these past months have gotten tough for so many...)... Anyway, her comment was about her 6 year old son who is now home with them. She said he told them he used to "dream about having a bicycle & eating chicken every day."
Oh my word....
A bike & chicken, people....
You know what I thought when I read that? I thought "I can do that!!"
I thought "Little One, wherever you are, I have a bike!! And I can feed you chicken & pork & beef every single night of your life in our house!!"
& then I teared up thinking "I can make your dreams come true!!!" .....
But then I thought:
"Isn't it sad that while I can make a little boy from Africa's dreams come true, I so often can't make my own children's dreams come true not to mention my own dreams?????"
Do you want to know why I can't??
It's because she dreams of going to Disney World every year & staying in Cinderella's castle, sleeping in Cinderella's room.....(& baby girl, we are never going to be that rich!)....
It's because he dreams of meeting Albert Puhols & playing professional baseball... (& Sonshine, for so many reasons, I just can't promise you that)....
And way too often lately, I'm ashamed to admit that I'm dreaming about Matilda Jane clothes for my girls... (& sidenote - have you seen the prices on those clothes??? I mean, don't get me wrong, they are GOR-GEOUS but ouch!! So then I have to try to get them for a bargain so I can afford more of them & then I end up obsessed about finding a good deal because I was raised to always, always find a good deal but as my mom can attest, sometimes I lose my common-sense in the quest for the good deal!! Sigh... this could be a never-ending addiction if I let it become one....)
Do you hear those dreams I'm telling you??? Nothing like over the top, right??? As I type this out it's somewhat sickening to me because we are so Americanized in our dreaming.... so middle-class... so "chasing after the Jones'".... and is that what life is about?? I mean, really.... is that what dreaming is for??
This past week I've been reading 1 Timothy 6 every morning & the following verses keep jumping out at me: " 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."
When was the last time I was content with food & clothing???
When was the last time my dreams were dreams not of the extravagance but of simple pleasure & desires above the basic needs of food & clothes???
When was the last time I stopped thinking about more of everything & was thankful for the plenty that I already have?
Oh my friends, it grieves my heart to think on these answers....
I can't wait to make the dreams come true for the son born of my heart. I can't wait to show him his very own bike, to put shoes on his feet that have actual shoelaces that actually tie.... I can't wait to feed him beef - like real-from-a-cow beef (& if you know me well, you know I'm a bit of a meat snob so you know it's going to be good!!)... I can't wait to show him his dresser full of clothes, to show him the boys' bedroom complete with his very own bed... I can't wait to open up our pantry doors & let him know "We keep food here - it's never going away & you will always, always have more than enough...."
And I can't wait to keep learning more of what contentment truly is & to share the gift that it is with my children.
Now that's a good dream......
Sunday, February 3, 2013
We Cried For You...
Son, I just want you to know that today your brother & I cried for you...
How do you miss something you have not yet had? How do you love something you don't know?
I've said it before but again, it's the most amazing thing, this adoption process. To care so much for you whose name we do not even know....
Last night your brother had his first sleepover. I was so proud of him. He choose a good friend & they both did so well. We had pizza & made cookies. They played Mario, Bey Blades, Legos... they made treasure maps, tracks, space ships.... This morning we had waffles & headed to church. I was proud of them both & thankful, so thankful for friends like this in his life.
When we got to church, they parted ways - back to families & your brother was quiet for awhile during the worship songs. And at some point he tugged on my arm & I looked down & he was crying - tears just quietly streaming down his face & when I sat down to ask him what was wrong, he simply said, "I just want my brother."..............................
Do you hear that? Can you feel that? It's the ache of a little boy who knows you are out there, but doesn't know your name, has never seen your face, doesn't know how old you are....
And then I cried too - yes, out of my love for you - but also because WHO ARE WE to get a glimpse into this mystery of love????
That my Heavenly Father would love me in a way that goes beyond my name, beyond what I look like or who I am or what I do. There is a purity to that love that I can only pray we will always have for each other in this family, my son.
Because there will be days that we will fight. There will be days that you want to play legos & he wants to play baseball, or rather you will both want to play legos & you will fight over who gets to use what piece. There will be days that he is mean & you are angry or you are mean & he is angry. There will be days that we all are both....
Yes, we are guaranteed to have hard days - days that will try our patience, test our love.
I pray about that often - that on those days the love we have for each other will prevail & that it will make us compassionate, merciful, & full of grace & forgiveness.
But please know that now... well, right now, we just love you....so much that sometimes, it spills out of our hearts & it runs down our faces.
How do you miss something you have not yet had? How do you love something you don't know?
I've said it before but again, it's the most amazing thing, this adoption process. To care so much for you whose name we do not even know....
Last night your brother had his first sleepover. I was so proud of him. He choose a good friend & they both did so well. We had pizza & made cookies. They played Mario, Bey Blades, Legos... they made treasure maps, tracks, space ships.... This morning we had waffles & headed to church. I was proud of them both & thankful, so thankful for friends like this in his life.
When we got to church, they parted ways - back to families & your brother was quiet for awhile during the worship songs. And at some point he tugged on my arm & I looked down & he was crying - tears just quietly streaming down his face & when I sat down to ask him what was wrong, he simply said, "I just want my brother."..............................
Do you hear that? Can you feel that? It's the ache of a little boy who knows you are out there, but doesn't know your name, has never seen your face, doesn't know how old you are....
And then I cried too - yes, out of my love for you - but also because WHO ARE WE to get a glimpse into this mystery of love????
That my Heavenly Father would love me in a way that goes beyond my name, beyond what I look like or who I am or what I do. There is a purity to that love that I can only pray we will always have for each other in this family, my son.
Because there will be days that we will fight. There will be days that you want to play legos & he wants to play baseball, or rather you will both want to play legos & you will fight over who gets to use what piece. There will be days that he is mean & you are angry or you are mean & he is angry. There will be days that we all are both....
Yes, we are guaranteed to have hard days - days that will try our patience, test our love.
I pray about that often - that on those days the love we have for each other will prevail & that it will make us compassionate, merciful, & full of grace & forgiveness.
But please know that now... well, right now, we just love you....so much that sometimes, it spills out of our hearts & it runs down our faces.
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